From Tantrums to Tranquility

"If you want to determine the nature of anything, entrust it to time: when the sea is stormy, you can see nothing clearly." —Seneca

Have you ever thought about why children frequently cry? We have all seen it—a baby in a waiting room, a child at a birthday party, or a kid at their first soccer game. It seems to happen out of nowhere and by no cause. So, why do children cry so much? 

Whenever a child cries, it is a window into their unspoken needs. Their crying is a channel to express their feelings because they cannot comprehend and verbalize their emotions. They might be thirsty, tired, overwhelmed, angry, hungry, or any list of feelings, but they lack the understanding of why they feel the way they feel, and they cannot express their feelings with words.

Whenever I see an adult in a fit of rage or releasing uncontrollable anger, I see the same adolescent inability to properly recognize one’s feelings and appropriately express themselves. This same lashing out of extreme emotions feels very similar to that of a toddler crying for seemingly no reason. It is rooted in an inability to master our emotions. 

From Tantrums to Tranquility

Imagine a child throwing a tantrum because they can't have a cookie. Their cries are loud, their emotions are raw, and the situation feels chaotic. This, in many ways, resembles how we often react to life's challenges. We get swept away by anger, frustration, or fear, and our actions may not always reflect our best selves.

Here's where Stoic philosophy offers a powerful solution. Stoicism emphasizes the importance of self-discipline, rational thinking, and emotional resilience – qualities that can transform us from those out-of-control toddlers into masters of our inner world.

The first step in this journey is self-awareness. Epictetus, a prominent Stoic thinker, famously said, "Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them." Just as we wouldn't expect to soothe a crying child without understanding their needs, we can't manage our emotions effectively without understanding their triggers and root causes. Stoicism teaches us to observe our thoughts and feelings, to identify the events or situations that spark them, and to see how these emotions influence our behavior.

Self-awareness is just the beginning. Seneca, another Stoic philosopher, reminds us, "It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it."  Often, we waste time and energy by reacting impulsively to strong emotions. Stoicism emphasizes the importance of emotional discipline. Instead of being swept away by the tide of anger or frustration, we can cultivate a calm and rational approach. By practicing self-control and moderation, we can take a mindful pause before reacting. This allows us to assess the situation and craft a thoughtful response, leading to more positive outcomes in the long run.

Life throws curveballs – that's a given. Stoicism teaches us to accept the things that are beyond our control and focus our energy on what we can change. This doesn't mean passive resignation; it's about recognizing the limitations of our influence and choosing to invest our efforts wisely. This mindset shift fosters resilience, allowing us to adapt to life's ups and downs without being emotionally overwhelmed.

And finally, Stoicism emphasizes the importance of virtues like courage, wisdom, and justice. By aligning our actions with these virtues, we cultivate a sense of purpose and meaning in life. This, in turn, leads to greater emotional stability and fulfillment.

Regaining Control of Your Inner World

Mastering our emotions is a lifelong journey, but with Stoic principles as our guide, we can embark on this path with confidence. By developing self-awareness, practicing emotional discipline, responding mindfully, embracing acceptance, and seeking virtue, we can navigate life's challenges with grace and resilience. Just as we learn to decipher a child's cries, understanding and managing our emotions empowers us to live a more balanced and fulfilling life. 

So the next time you feel a fit of anger coming on, pause. Be Stoic and remind yourself that true power lies in reason, not reaction. Take a breath, identify the source of your frustration, and consider a virtuous response. This might involve forgiveness, clear communication, or simply letting go of what you cannot control.

“Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on— it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance— unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.” — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations