From Tragedy to Triumph: The Inspiring Story of Post-traumatic Growth

"I acquired my disability in 2012," he began. 

I was speaking with Wesley Hamilton , the Executive Director and Founder of the non-profit Disabled But Not Really. I found out about DBNR a couple weeks ago and reached out to explore possibilities for getting involved. Wes and I met by zoom on Friday to feel each other out, and he shared his powerful story with me. 

He went on to explain that he was shot by a man he did not know, resulting in a spinal cord injury that left him permanently paralyzed from the waist down. After multiple surgeries and almost two years of nearly constant bed rest, his life shifted in a big way. 

He lost more than 100 pounds through nutrition, a feat he did not think was possible for him even prior to injury. He began to strength train and became an award-winning adaptive athlete. His self-concept changed. His mindset was on point, and he became determined to help others realize that disability is not a death sentence.

His work to establish and grow DBNR has been incredible. He's made a tangible, unquantifiable impact on the lives of so many individuals, while scaling a non-profit and making splashes in national media (be sure to watch the CNN Heroes video. You won't regret it.) 

I was impressed and inspired.  

And then he said something that gave me chill bumps.

"The man who shot me tried to take my life...but really, he gave it to me."

Wow.

Weathering the Storm

Last weekend, massive, atypical storms blew through Kansas City. I was lucky. My power came back on within a few hours, and the huge tree in my front yard barely shed. In contrast, many of my fellow Kansas Citians were left with giant trees felled in their yards or on their homes and downed power lines that disrupted electricity and internet services for days. My friends, neighbors, and community rose the next day to begin clearing away the debris, putting in work they weren't expecting to do in an effort to clean up, clear out, and re-establish things. 

What a metaphor for life.

Life, unfortunately, isn't fair. It's not predictable, and it doesn't always make sense. Sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes it's a wrong place, wrong time thing. Sometimes it's a senseless tragedy. Sometimes it's the result of a preventable mistake or a lapse in judgment. Sometimes it's simply the Universe's roll of the dice. Sometimes the bad things are widespread like a pandemic, war, economic unrest, and hurricanes. Sometimes the bad thing happens only to us - an injury, a job lost, a pet dying, 

Sometimes those bad things leave wounds that don't heal (technically labeled as Post-traumatic Stress Disorder), but oftentimes those wounds do heal, leaving behind scars that remind us of what we've been through. And sometimes that healing process is the impetus for tremendous growth and positive change, driving us to be better than we were originally. 

Wesley is the epitome of what we call Post-traumatic Growth in psychology, and a real-life illustration of the Hero's Journey. 

The Hero's Journey

In every good story, the hero experiences difficult circumstances that must be overcome or faces an ordeal that shapes them into who they were meant to be. Superman's home planet was destroyed. Harry Potter was orphaned then raised by his less than stellar aunt and uncle. Katniss Everdeen faced death to save her sister before going on to become the heroine that she is.

There is a struggle that leads to growth and strength.

Every single one of us is the hero of our own journey, and every single one of us will face adversity at some point, whether that's a traumatic event, a life-altering diagnosis, or a challenging situation. We will, inevitably, encounter something that knocks us down, takes a toll, and leaves behind some damage. What we do in the aftermath can define our future.

It's All About Perspective

One of the hardest times in my life was when my vision loss worsened to the point that I could no longer drive. I was overwhelmed with sadness and fear. I truly believed that I was facing a bleak future, destined to be miserable and limited by my disability. 

In hindsight, I feel for Past Ashley. I remember her despair. But I can also see how that dark time was the impetus for growth and change. If only I had known then that I was going to be OK. Better than OK, actually. That I was going to thrive. How much heartache could I have avoided if I'd known what lay ahead?

I often think about zooming in and zooming out. In the heat of the moment, we're completely zoomed in. There is nothing else. There was the Before and there is the Now, which we do not want. 

But if we could zoom out and take in the entire timeline of our lives, it is quite possible that with a wider view, one in which we can see a longer trajectory, we may just realize that this Big Bad is actually the catalyst for something important. For some, it's a wake up call that leads to key shifts in priorities, choices, or habits. For others, like Wesley, it is what propels them toward purpose.

How often, in retrospect, do we realize that difficult experiences were actually blessings in disguise? Sometimes what was originally bad becomes good over time. The heartbreak from being cheated on leads to leaving a lackluster relationship and finding real connection. Being laid off forces a career change, stress and insecurity morphing into re-energized passion. We just need to trust that we can weather the storm and have hope that what is so unwanted and hard today may be the seed of something beautiful down the road.

Don't Rush the Silver Linings

Being in the eye of the storm can feel devastating. Something bad is happening. You may not have asked for it or caused it. It may genuinely feel like your world is falling apart. 

But in those dark moments, it is important to know that there is a path forward, a path toward a promising future, one in which you are happy.

I want to be clear, though. Post-traumatic Growth does not mean being cheery, optimistic, or grateful about what is happening to you...at least not immediately. You have to go through the ick first. Yes, hold on to the hope that you will eventually find the silver lining, but you don't have to rush that. You might need a moment to wallow, and you definitely need to feel your feelings. Burying them backfires. 

The struggle is necessary. There is a beauty in the pain that will become evident over time. 

One More Note on Perspective

There is a caveat to embracing the pain...and that's when the source of our suffering is our minds. Sometimes in our modern lives, we feel like something is a catastrophe that, if we're being real, just isn't. 

I'm not a big fan of comparing pain. Someone always has it worse than you and that fact doesn't negate what you're going through. That said, I do believe that being real - acknowledging reality as it actually is - is critical. Our minds can blow things out of proportion so easily, amplifying our pain in ways that just aren't necessary. 

A flight being delayed sucks, but we still get to fly. Through the air! Making it possible to travel anywhere in the world in a fraction of the time it used to take. Not getting Taylor Swift tickets is a disappointment, not a disaster. Someone being upset with you is uncomfortable, not earth-shattering.

So when you find yourself caught in one of life's storms, ask yourself, On the scale of bad things, is this a paper cut or a nuclear disaster? Then treat it accordingly.

If you're in a period of life that feels like rainbows and puppy dogs, enjoy it. Savor the moments because they will pass quickly. And if you're in the midst of a storm, know that, as Little Orphan Annie sings, "the sun will come out tomorrow."

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"Sunshine all the time makes a desert." - Arab Proverb