Voting for Your Inner Peace: Staying Grounded Amid Political Tensions

“New favorite quote: ‘What you’re not changing you’re choosing.’”

That was the text my little brother, Joey, sent just as I was crawling into bed Thursday night.

It’s good, right? Kind of a no-pulling-punches-real-talk empowering sort of message.

Friday evening, I returned the favor, dropping this truth bomb in his inbox: “Ships don’t sink because of the water around them. Ships sink because of the water that gets inside them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.”

Where am I going with this? To tell you the truth… I’m not 100% sure yet.

Today is Election Day in the U.S., and I feel like I’m supposed to write something related to that. It seems like tons of people are really freaked out about the outcome and the implications for the future. I’ve already shared some tips for coping, and, honestly, I’m over the entire topic of politics. 

Still, me being over a topic doesn’t mean the topic is over.

So I’m going to muddle through, trusting that writing will lead to some insight or clarity that’s useful for the both of us. I hope you’ll bear with me.

Regardless of who wins, a lot of people are going to be upset, angry, and scared. A lot of people are going to be relieved and grateful. And yet another lot of people won’t care one way or the other. No matter which group you fall into, we all have the same choice in front of us: Who and how do you want to be in this moment? (And every moment moving forward.)

Not to be overly dramatic, but it seems like we are at a fork in the road. We can continue down the increasingly divided path we’ve been on. The one that seems to be full of blame and hate, judgment, black-and-white thinking and willful ignorance. Or we can take the opportunity to choose a new path, one that’s headed toward repair.

Let’s take the new path, please!

Be a Good Sport

My other brother, Zach, and I were three years apart growing up, and there was a stretch of time when I loved going to his baseball games (getting to hang out with his teammate’s cute older brother had nothing to do with it, I swear). After each game, the two teams lined up and shook each other’s’ hands and respectfully said, “Good game.” Good sportsmanship was drilled into them.

Do you think it would be too much to ask grown adults to do what Little Leaguers managed to do? Can we recognize that we were battling each other on the field, but now the contest is over? Let’s make eye contact, shake each other’s hands, then go play together.

I was talking with a patient a few weeks ago. Their identity and belief system falls squarely on one side of the political spectrum, but they live in a geographical area and work in an industry both dominated by the other.  Yet somehow this beautiful soul interacts with, works with, helps, and cares for people on that other side. They are able to step outside of identity politics to recognize that who you cast a vote for does not define every aspect of who you are as a person and that throwing the baby out with the bathwater doesn’t help anyone.

It's easy when we’re surrounded by likeminded or similar people to judge those in a different group, whether that’s based on politics or race or religion or sports team or pro-pineapple on pizza, but doing so is myopic. It’s too easy to focus on one thing and assume that we now know someone’s entirety. We are each complex, contradictory, capable, and catastrophic at times. We make things better and we make things worse, maybe in equal measure and maybe when we’re not even trying to.

We have more in common than it might seem. We just have to dig through a bit of the bullshit sometimes to find that common ground.

He Started It

Sometimes we bristle or get defensive or behave in ways in response to someone else, and we feel justified, even righteous… when we probably shouldn’t.

Ever gotten mad at someone simply because they were mad at you? How does that make sense? Sure, I understand that we can dig into it, and there’s probably a sense that their anger is unjustified so you feel wrongly accused, maligned, or judged, and those feel like an injustice. What’s really happening though? You’re angry because someone else is having an emotion. Let them. And don’t let that water seep inside your ship.

Someone else’s emotions, bad behaviors, or poor choices do not justify yours. I remember as a girl, getting in trouble once for what I thought was a completely unfair reason. I had woken up in the morning and gone to the bathroom per usual when I unsuspectingly sat down on a soaked toilet seat – the joys of having a younger brother who hadn’t yet mastered aim or lifting the seat – and I. Flipped. Out.

I don’t remember what I screamed or how long I did it, but it was enough to get me in trouble. Despite my best efforts to make my mom see that it was all Zach’s fault, she held firm that my reaction was outsized. With the wisdom of age or emotional maturity, I see that she was right. Was the situation gross? Yes. Was my reaction inappropriate? Also yes. My brother did something that was not ok and that negatively impacted me, but his actions do not diminish my responsibility for my own.

He started it really isn’t a good excuse.

We are each responsible for how we react in any given situation, regardless of what others around us do or don’t do. Mind you, I am not saying that getting angry or screaming in outrage don’t have their places. Standing up for what is right can take all kinds of forms. I am, however, advocating for intentional, rational choices that we wouldn’t be embarrassed to own.

In this moment in history, it seems especially important for each of us to be the bigger person, to be effective in what we do, to embody who and how we want to be, and to remember that actions speak louder than words. What do your actions, regardless of their trigger, say about the kind of person you are? Do you like that message?

Being Wrong Is OK

Saturday morning over breakfast, I watched a TED talk by Malcom Gladwell, a prolific author and one of TIME’s Most Influential People, called “The Tipping Point I Got Wrong.” In it, he referenced his first best-seller, Tipping Point, and the chapter he wrote about the factors that influenced crime rates in New York City.

He stood on that esteemed stage and said, “I was wrong.” He eschewed excuses, instead advocating for the importance of holding himself and other journalists to a higher standard.

He said, “I told the story like the story was over, and I knew what the answer to the story was… I wrote, ‘I know this is what happened’ and what I should have said is ‘I believe this is what happened now.’”

This is important.

We need to be cautious of what we “know” because, as Gladwell put it, “this position could change if the facts change.”

And facts do change. All the time.

Even in seemingly objective fields like physics, facts evolve. As we learn more, as things play out over time, our understanding of how the world works changes.

If we could all hold our beliefs a little more lightly, welcoming a little more uncertainty or humility into our understanding, a little more wiggle room for new information and growth, I think we just might be a little better off. If we could all also own being wrong, without making excuses, couldn’t that open the door for collaborations and relational repairs?

But it wasn’t just Gladwell’s willingness to stand up and say “I was wrong… It was my mistake, and I’m sorry” that stood out. It was the response he received: applause, even some standing ovation.

The people in that auditorium afforded the psychological safety to be wrong, and that’s something we could all use.

Within our most intimate relationships, our families, our workplaces, our communities, and most certainly within our government, we need to create a safe environment for people to be wrong. Rather than chastising someone when they are, can we give grace and support? Can we reinforce instead of punish the willingness to learn and adapt beliefs and tactics based on new information and new understanding?

“Flip-flopping” may be a bad thing if you are constantly changing what you say simply to cater to or potentially manipulate an audience. But assimilating new information and evolving your thinking seems like wisdom to me, something I certainly want from my partners, friends, colleagues, and politicians.

Tying Things Together

As I try to make sense out of everything swirling in my mind, I flash to the Obamas. To Barack’s “Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” And Michelle’s, “When they go low, we go high.”

More powerful quotes to draw inspiration and guidance from.

Thank you for meandering with me through these musings today. I didn’t know when I started where this would go, but I am holding on to the sentiment that not changing is choosing, that I don’t have to let what’s going on around me cause me to sink - into despair or into someone or something I’m not, that being a good sport is always a choice… even if the other person isn’t, that it’s ok to be wrong and evolve, and that a singular moment doesn’t tell the whole story. I hope there’s something in there that you can hold on to as well. 

See you on the other side.

"Ships don’t sink because of the water around them. Ships sink because of the water that gets inside them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.” - Source Unknown

Forget Black Friday

As someone still new to the book marketing world, I’m trying to figure out the logistics of maximizing promotional opportunities like Black Friday and running sales through Amazon. Sparing you the boring details, the end result is that the Kindle version of my book, The Way I See It: A Psychologist’s Guide to a Happier Life, will be on sale for $2.99… for the next week (Nov. 5 – 11). Grab it here. 

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