Gambling – The cards of my despair

A story on trying not to feel.

 Do I like wining? Of course, I do! But all this time later I think I´d be more honest if I´d say I prefer not losing to wining. I know, it seems like the same thing but it´s not. I´m almost 40 years old and I´ve had to fall and stumble many times to learn that lesson.

 In my early twenties I gained the habit of playing cards with my colleagues. Sometimes we bet cigarettes, beers, kid´s stuff. When we had exams, stressful times, I did it to take a break, to relax. In the final years of my degree I didn´t have much company to play cards, so I started playing online. I got one of those 2€ starter gifts on a site, I lost them almost at once. I started a new account, got the same 2€, turned them into 8€. I felt like the king of the world!

"I felt like the king of the world!"

One night I went with a friend to the casino. It was something else! It was real! I wanted to be one of those guys with shades throwing fortunes onto the table.

Today I´m ashamed of that thought. 

"Today I´m ashamed of that thought." 

At the time of my first marriage I thought I knew what love was, but it was more friendship and company. Mistakes can be made. We had a son. We fought so much. In those days, when we were fighting, I gambled, either online or at the casino. I said I wasn´t spending money. I lied.

I lost a lot of money those days, I gambled to escape. I´d make up expenses, I´d say I had to fix the car, a present for my parents, I started to drown in lies… she confronted me a bunch of times, threatened me, gave me ultimatums. I´d agree, say I was going to stop, but to myself I thought that as soon as I´d win “big”, then she´d see, she´d realize how great I was. The worst is that now and then I did win “big”, but I´d just lose it all again. Those nights I´d walk out of the casino feeling like a millionaire, but in truth all I had was a 20 in my pocket.

"...I´d walk out of the casino feeling like a millionaire,..."

 The breaking point came when there wasn´t enough money for my son. The divorce was ugly… today we keep in touch for the sake of the boy, but it´s not easy. She painted me in all the wrong colours. I can´t say I blame her. I was that guy.

 Alone, free to do as I pleased, I lost the will to gamble, I just didn´t have the motivation.

Later I remarried. I was relieved that I didn´t gamble anymore, I didn´t want to make the same mistake twice.

I had a second son, things were going better this time, I felt more of a man, more capable, more alive!

"Then fate intervened,..."

Then fate intervened, I lost my job, economic crisis and all that. It was a bad time; many companies went bust.

I ended up on unemployment fund. I looked hard for a new job, but the proposals I got payed less than the unemployment fund.

I spent more time with my boy, with my family. For a time, things were good.

But, bit by bit I got edgy, irritable, anxious, very worried about getting a job, ashamed of not working, even though I had good reasons. I felt like I was failing my family.

My wife insisted I go out with my friends to lighten up, my mood had become a nuisance around the house. So, I did… ended up at the casino. Wasn´t going to gamble, but I did. It felt like home and I relaxed, I felt relieved and had a great night. Went home with an extra 300€in my pocket… I really don´t need to tell you the rest, do I?

It was all downhill from there, the same addiction, the same pattern, the same destructiveness. The fights started, the fear of losing what I had… my wife saved me in her own way. She told me she was far from leaving me, that I was more than that. Forced me to get help, she had a friend who knew a good psychologist – I went to see him.

In that first session, in a very quiet way I got “slapped” into placed. The doc told me: “So, in your words, you say you´re going to lose everything if you don´t change. But you also tell me you don´t want therapy.” He walked over to the door, opened it and said “Ok then, get out! If you don´t want my help, there´s nothing I can do.” 3 minutes I sat, he stood, waiting. It was quite awkward to watch I suppose, but my head was spinning.

Today I´m grateful for that silence, it changed my life.

Only I could make that decision.

"Only I could make that decision."

And so, I met my demons. I got angry at the therapist so many times. Later I realised that I was just using him to dump all my anger. Indeed, he never accused me of anything, he just asked questions. I was the one who didn´t like the answers.

I dealt with the way I was running from my problems, my reasons for gambling.

There was a part of me that wanted to be a kid forever.

But being a man, a father, a husband isn´t just dealing with the good times, it´s staying strong in the face of the storm, it´s keeping my head held high when everything falls. It´s knowing myself in my best and worst. It´s looking myself in the mirror and not feeling shame for what I was nor what I am.

"But being a man, a father, a husband isn´t just dealing with the good times,..."

 Today I no longer gamble. I know I could do it without relapsing, but I´d rather do other things, and I feel great like that!

The person who tells this tale is not real. This character was loosely based on my experience in clinical practice. I write this story and others like it to shed light onto these emotional struggles, how they can happen and how one can overcome them.

Michael Dickinson