Giants die: my anger is not righteous.

A few months ago I was talking to my business consultant about a situation I was dealing (or maybe not dealing) with and he assessed what I told him, like most other people when I share this ridiculousness, but in response to my anger, he said: “Aubria you’re allowed to have righteous anger. God has righteous anger so like you’re definitely allowed to have righteous anger.” I smiled and assented but I knew the truth.

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING RIGHTEOUS ABOUT MY ANGER.

I can’t match people’s energies because my energy exists at an exponentially higher vibration. 

I can’t do that tit for tat stuff becuase I won’t let my pettiness steal my access to my purpose.

I can’t clap back because I might go deaf to God’s voice becuase of the residue that will remain when the walls come crumbling down like Jericho.

I want to but I can't because I won't harm myself to harm others. My mom discovered when I was youth that I internalized 99% of my emotions because I was so committed to preserving myself, my stuff and my goals as a 13/14 year old that I would assent or remain quiet when my mom would want to have the screaming matches her friends were having with their kids 😂 and then after she cooled down I would come to her with the:

Mom do you have a minute? I was thinking about what you said a couple weeks ago and is that how you really feel about me? Why do you feel this way? 

That poor woman was not ready for me but she got me some counseling and at the time I focused on my unresolved anger about pretty much everything a whole lot. 

You see my anger is:

• Spiteful
• Vindictive 
• Destructive
• Exponentially worst than any ABW trope
• Remote in response
• Surprising
• Articulate
• Warranted 
• Hulkish
• Steady

But it ain’t righteous. You know that scene in the Hulk where he says you’re making me angry you don’t want to see me angry (think it’s Ed Norton’s version) take that multiply it by a billion and make it to the nth power. 

So this situation involves about 10 individuals, probably more but I’ve got ten of them on my list. I’ve been praying and seeking counsel because if I respond, I’m going to completely destroy ten lives because they’ve been really sloppy. My entire vibe since I turned 24 is how can we reconcile or how can we sever ties and skip the harm and resentment so it’s off-brand for me to do something that will harm another person. I don’t sleep well when I make a joke that lands in hurt rather than jest.

For me, it’s easy because my purpose is bigger than my pettiness and I’m so plugged into delivering everything I’m meant to on this side of eternity that a random RAMBO moment isn’t  on my agenda.

And yet, some people can’t respect that I’m not bothered by them. Some people can’t move on because they like to hold grudges after THEY harm people. Some people can’t move on because like Angelina’s movie they wish me dead. But not dead dead…they just want my fire to go out but you can’t put out a fire you didn’t  start or nurture. It reminds me of the early days in NY when my momma would show up nice and polite, shucking and jiving, and people would be disrespectful to her and act like they didn’t know what she was saying until she blacked out and they would practically sign over the deed to their establishments. 

Why do “civilized” folk only respond to savagery? 

Funny Joseph Conrad talks about papier-mâché men in Heart of Darkness. Put together on the outside but hollow on the inside. In his crisp white safari suit counting money while someone his dying in eye-shot of his ledgers. He's bothered by my dusty the jungle is, as if the jungle ought to rid itself of the dirt that nourishes the lush trees. He's tired of those savages who, in a way, poke holes into the façade he has created. It's funny because these men are everywhere today, convinced that harming others in the name of the system that actually harmed them is the only choice, the obvious choice.

Why don’t Goliaths fight other giants? why do they insist of going after the David’s of the land when they know how the original story goes? 

Pride or insanity…maybe history repeats itself until we burn the systems that keep our society in bondage. Well…

Giants do die

The bigger they are

The harder they fall

Giants they die

Just walk around

The Jericho Wall.

Let God arise

Giants die.

(Donald Lawrence, Giants excerpt)

My anger is not righteous or just but my Heavenly Father is righteous and just. And we should thank God for that.