I have been in a lot of uncomfortable meetings. There was not an elephant in the room. There was a herd. People were anxious, angry, confused, and downright scared. They knew it was going to be ugly. And it usually was. The reason? People weren’t prepared to have a productive meeting and did not know how to deal with emotionally charged topics. They figured they would just get in there and fight it out. Not a good plan.
Currently, several of my coaching clients are facing significant challenges in their businesses. However, they are struggling to get their team to have the tough conversations necessary to solve these big problems. Here is a note I put together to give them some guidance about how to have uncomfortable and stressful conversations.
- Treat people with complete respect. This is non-negotiable.
- Always assume good intentions.
- People are safe. Ideas are not.
- Challenge ideas without attacking people.
- Approach tough subjects in a soft way. Ask the really tough questions but still be kind.
- Do not destroy your relationship with a colleague. It is not worth it to win the battle and lose the war.
- Look for common ground. Where are you in agreement?
- Disagree and commit. Voice opinions, present data, and argue your point, but fully commit to the team’s decision. If you cannot, there needs to be a serious discussion.
- If you leave the meeting and trash the team’s decision, you have destroyed trust.
- If you leave the meeting and trash the team’s idea, you have destroyed the team’s credibility.
- Psychological safety is essential: ensure no fear of retribution, humiliation, or personal attacks.
- Encourage courageous communication and emotional maturity.
- Be brutally honest but not brutal.
- Say the uncomfortable things. Raise the painful issues. Be courageous. Somebody has to be.
- When someone challenges one of your ideas, thank them. Tell them you appreciate their feedback. Demonstrate that you welcome thoughtful criticism.
- Practice active listening. Be curious. Give the person your undivided attention. Ask questions. Summarize and paraphrase to ensure understanding. Maintain good body posture and facial expressions (no rolling eyes or smirking).
- Maintain control of your emotions. Remain calm. If you are upset, take a minute, or a few minutes, to cool off. Be passionate. Be assertive. But never aggressive.
- If others are exhibiting strong emotions, be empathetic. Recognize the tension in the room and allow people to express their feelings in a controlled way. Acknowledge that you understand that they are upset. Give them a moment to gather their thoughts. Help them move effectively through their negative emotions.
- Focus on solutions, not on blame.
- Set clear expectations for the meeting. What, specifically, are you trying to achieve? What does an ideal outcome look like? Get everyone to commit to working towards that outcome.
“Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?” And “Is what I am about to say right now going to add any value to this conversation?” You will find that about 70% of the time, you will choose happy over right and decide that what you are about to say is not worth saying. (This works well at home too).
** To help me stay focused on these ideas during difficult discussions, I write a few notes for myself at the top of the page. “Stay calm – listen – ask – common ground – positive relationships.”
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I greatly appreciate these tools of practical knowledge that offer technical support.
I help leaders create a special world where melodies (organizational operations) are complemented by rich harmonies (culture and systems). Educator | Conductor | Consultant | Coach | Keynote
5moThanks for sharing your valuable ideas here with is John Spence. I particularly like the idea of asking questions. Asking the right questions make space for clearing the air, for creating opportunity to understand, for showing care and concern, for showing that the person is valued above the problem. Great article!
Experienced transformational senior leader
5moJohn this is invaluable information and insights for ‘those’ conversations. I think that the leader is the lynchpin and watching yourself is key in those difficult meetings. Leave space and don’t fill in the gaps in communicating. They sometimes draw out amazing insights. The most successful difficult meetings for me were when I was genuinely seeking truth and th right outcome, not MY idea. People can feel if the leader is genuine and authentic and will respond accordingly. Thanks again for a great article John Spence.
Organisational Psychologist. Strategy and Leadership. DistFHRNZ, FNZPsS
5moExcellent John. To the last point on clarity of expectations, I think it is important to be clear about what you can and cannot do, while offering support and staying firm on outputs. The dialogue can go something like this… “I cannot change the deadline, but I can spend some time with you tomorrow to review your work on this. Will that help?” (It’s difficult to think of a scenario where the answer wouldn’t be ‘yes’) “Ok if I do that, then I need you to deliver by Friday. Can you do that?” I call it the ‘I can’t do that, but I can do this’ conversation.
Strategy and Business Development Leader - Environmental Goods and Services
5moJohn Spence sound advice from one of the best. Thanks John. Team dynamics are critical. At the core of human motivation is innovation, competency, attaining goals, cooperation, and self-protection. Leaders need to understand this. Shout out to Paul Herr and his Primal Management book on this topic.