Help, My Young Adult Child is Cocooning and Depressed, How Can I Help?

 Help, My Child is Cocooning and Stuck!

How to Help Teens and Young Adults Who Have Been Impacted by COVID Behaviorally and Emotionally

Adolescents and Young Adults are experiencing the highest rate of anxiety and depression ever reported in the US.

According to a report from the COVID States Project, "...nearly half (49%) of respondents reported symptoms of depression, with 26% reporting moderate symptoms or worse, the level at which follow-up care would typically be recommended in a clinical setting." (April 2022)

The rate of depression in the adolescent and young adult population was climbing pre-Pandemic however we are now measuring the impact of two years of disruption in the experiences and milestones that help preserve and define mental wellness. How can parents and caregivers help young people heal?

Most young people will recover from the setbacks in academics, skill acquisition and social growth in time through the normal course of life, but many will require additional parenting, time and some professional interventions to feel secure and confident again. The group of young people at highest risk right now are those who were struggling with psychological and psychiatric issues pre- pandemic. At Insight Counseling we are seeing many of these young people finally recover as we address all the current issues and underlying risks.

Adolescence and young adulthood are times of striving, making mistakes, failing and learning and therefore full of emotion and some conflict with parents, care givers and even social norms themselves. Young people must attempt to make strides in the world at large without parental pushes or even parents’ knowledge. We know that what can seem like random new interest, some secretiveness, or defiance is often the needed for a healthy separation from family to happen. COVID shut down many of not most venues for this activity for at least 18 months. College Freshmen and Sophomores did not have the opportunity to test out different social connections, interests and activities and instead were in dorm rooms or at home trying to be focused academically and knowing and feeling they were isolated and missing very important steps in life.

 For most young people, parents and other adults providing gentle encouragement and 'nudging" to take more social risks and catch up in other skill areas (like working full time, taking college courses, returning to school and taking on more adult experiences like car maintenance, cooking etc.) will be enough to bridge this gap in skills. For parents and caregivers witnessing the COVID related skill gaps in young people who have tried ‘nudging’ only to be met with resistance, passivity or anger I recommend a structured game plan that may include assessment for depression and or anxiety. Movement forward in life is a sure sign of returning mental health, even when the movement is choppy, imperfect and appears random. Again, this is how young people figure the life paths best suited to them. Inaction or passivity are warning signs that need to be addressed. Activity and work are essential for mental health for all of us and parents need to insist that young people re-enter the world one step at a time with as much encouragement as possible and sometimes with limits as well.

This is the hardest part of parenting, facing a necessary action step that our children need to take on, knowing in advance they may balk or be deeply resistant. Most humans meet expectations that we know we have not yet met with resistance and even anger despite our recognition that the expectations are reasonable and even good for us. Parents and caregivers must be persistent, calm, and clear about what young people are expected to do to reach milestones. Persistence is key with small steps presented and expected within a time frame as well as offering examples and to provide assistance.

I’ll use an example with a recent client to illustrate this idea.

Michael, a 20 year old man who stopped taking college classes during COVID, moved back home and experienced real symptoms of anxiety needed help moving past his avoidance of a full re-entry into life. Although he listened to his parents ‘push’ and began working a part time job he also became overly engaged in video games and sport betting (and incurred $2400 debt online) At first when his parents found out about his compulsive behaviors and debt they were very angry, but came to understand that he was coping with clinical anxiety and a real fear of “never measuring up again” and being “a lifetime failure.” Clearly these were examples of distorted thoughts and beliefs that he continued to work on in therapy.

In therapy his parents worked on a calendar with him and removed his access to 5G internet for all but 2 hours a day, and agreed to help him pay off his debt (a 36% loan from a sports betting app) as he worked on tangible chores at the house (Hauling a truck full of debris from the yard, painting 2 rooms, cleaning the gutters and a few other substantial jobs) As expected Michael was angry at first and “rebelled” by starting to work fulltime. This really was a step forward and he eventually began adding chores at home to stop the interest from accumulating. After 5 months working full time in the retail field, Michael was ready to stay taking classes locally. His parents made an expectation, 20 hours of employment and 2 classes to start. With his debt paid off and classes starting they removed the restriction on his 5G access. He’s now in his second semester of classes, managing 3 classes and working 2 nights a week as a waiter. There were times during this process that his parents wanted to give in more, wipe out his debt without his taking full responsibility and they even felt sorry for him when he would whine about his menial job. We coached the parents and asked them to share all the entry level and physical jobs they had both had until they graduated from college. We often forget that a struggle or an” empty belly” is often the best motivator for all of us, and many parents who have achieved higher status than they were born into forget how this struggle built their work ethic and values. Its detrimental to not allow our own children to enter the struggle for themselves.

If the above suggestion does not fit, or your child will not agree to professional help at first I suggest a structured and firm approach as well.

Loving parents sometimes avoid the conflict that can come from pushing young people out of their comfort zones, even as they know that is what must happen. Our coaching philosophy is to be validating and firm:

"If you cannot return to classes or work we see this as a sign that you need some professional help moving forward, We are not angry, but we will insist you see a therapist to help you find your way."

When should a parent/ caregiver worry? If your teen or young adult seems stuck developmentally and does not honor requests to move forward this is a sign that it is time to seek professional help. If your child is neglecting personal hygiene, isolating most of the time, non-communicative and angry with you more often than not you need outside help. Of course, if you find that substance abuse is happening or if your child ever mentions suicide, you must act quickly. There are many excellent resources through rtor.org to help guide you to the right professional help.

Even if your child is out of their pandemic cocoon and moving forward slowly you need to be concerned if they are angry or withdrawn a great deal of the time or if you have witnessed compulsive behavior such as substance use, excessive gaming or phone/social media use, or gambling behaviors. Clinicians are seeing an increase in many of these disruptive 'coping' behaviors and professional help at a young age can make a lifetime difference.

Please don’t give up, please don’t give in to unacceptable behaviors in your teen or young adult. The road to recovery is not as long pr bumpy as you may fear. The only mistake you can make is taking a ‘wait and see’ approach when your child needs a loving and firm push forward.

 Liz Driscoll Jorgensen is a therapist with 35 years’ experience. She works as a clinical consultant to Newport Healthcare and owns Insight Counseling, LLC in Ridgefield CT. You can reach her by email at liz@insightcounselingllc.com