The Hidden Struggles: How Perfectionism and Comparison Fuel Inner Emotional Conflict

It’s funny. When I was my daughter Simonne’s age, starting my undergraduate degree in psychology and planning a career as a therapist, I had never heard the word “perfectionism.” Not in my undergrad psychology, not in my master’s of family relations, not when I worked in the community, and not even when I started working in hospitals with high-achieving healthcare professionals.

Suddenly, seemingly overnight, the concept of perfectionism was everywhere. Research was being done, therapists were quietly doing great work in their offices, and coaches worldwide were helping folks. Then, Brené Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection and her TED Talks took the world by storm. I’m not suggesting that she invented the term or that it was her most important contribution to our understanding of human nature; I’m suggesting that we popularized and normalized a concept many of us high achievers could relate to.

Finally, all of us formally called “Type As” were understood in a whole new way. We weren’t overbearing, intense, challenging “personalities” but deeply passionate about getting things right.

When you feel seen, heard and valued, you feel appreciated. The concept of perfectionism allowed us to feel like we weren’t in the wrong for our gifts and the passionate way we showed up in the world.

What is perfectionism?

So what is perfectionism, according to BB?

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgement, and shame. – Brene Brown

As you can see clearly from this definition, there are a number of related concepts that we need to understand in order to manage perfectionism. It’s not like we can read a book and say, “Oh, I get it! That’s what perfection is! Now that I know, I can stop being so perfectionistic!” You can literally see how society reinforces and even fuels perfection. 

Let’s take comparison, for example. We are meaning-making machines, and we compare ourselves to others. When I go into yoga classes, I have told myself, “You will not compare your practice to anyone else’s.” I know it doesn’t matter. I know it has no use. I know it’s the most ‘unzen’ thing you can do, yet my brain goes there! “I’m not as bendy as she is.” “I wish I could touch my toes like he can.” “I wonder if I’d have the discipline the teacher has to do yoga teacher training.” See what I mean? 

Comparison’s Toxic Relationship with Perfectionism

Comparison is an enabler of perfectionism. Their codependency can be seriously unhealthy stuff. 

We can set an intention not to compare, yet our brain still does it. Simonne and I are so fascinated that we recorded a whole podcast episode on it!

The more we discuss it, the more we try to deduce the reasons behind it.

We talk a lot about social media being the culprit, but what existed before SM? “Keeping up with the Jones”. If you’re too young to know this phrase, it’s kind of like, “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”. It’s a colloquium for comparing ourselves to the best neighbour on the street, the metaphorical Jones family. 

It’s true that social media certainly didn’t help matters, as our smartphone is the Swiss Army knife of comparison. We look at pictures on Instagram, watch others’ lives on Facebook, compare our number of connections on LinkedIn, and even see how many more streaks someone has in Duolingo if we want! We have unending 24/7 365-day opportunities for real-time data and fiction-fueling comparison.

However, it’s not social media’s fault. It started before Zuckerberg was a wee lad. Not only that, as soon as we point fingers at any single cause, we throw up our hands and wish for days gone by: “Oh, the good days when we always felt we measured up.” If ONLY that were the case!

Not getting stuck in an unhealthy comparison loop requires emotional vigilance and self-awareness.

In other words, simply deleting an app or two from your phone or undergoing a digital detox will not wrestle perfectionism and comparison to the ground. 

How Can We Address Unhealthy Comparison and Perfectionism?

Perfectionism and comparison are not just external forces pushed down on us; they’re human foibles. That means we need to understand whether they’re immovable or if we can do something about them. 

The ironic thing is that the more you are aware that comparison is inevitable and that being aware of it is key to keeping control over it, suddenly perfectionism has a harder time digging its passive-aggressive claws into you.

• The next time you look in the mirror, notice one thing you like about yourself.
• The next time you talk to a friend, listen and take in a compliment they give you.
• The next time you sit across from your boss, rave about a win you’ve had.

Let’s look at where comparison is normally a weight or a burden. Acknowledge it. Name it. Notice it. As a result, it may become the very place where you find greater levity, lightness, and enablement. This is our shared human experience, and therefore, the fact it’s so fickle makes it so fascinating. Comparison connects us all; therefore, we don’t need to make unhealthy comparisons and rather understand that they are reactionary fiction.

I see your greatness – in all your imperfections – and I like you even more because of it.

Because if I like your imperfections, I like mine more, and we can be imperfectly perfect together.

Who is someone who normally is super hard on themselves but is, in fact, exceptionally great? Go tell them exactly why you think they’re great. And while you’re at it, tell yourself the same thing.

Take a peek at these past blog posts and podcasts for more ideas on being perfectly imperfect:

• Why It’s Perfect to Be Imperfect
• Do You Compare Yourself to Others?
• Are you a perfectionist?