Unbecoming Perfectionism: Why Chasing Perfect Is Actually Hurting You

Backspace, backspace, backspace.

It used to drive me crazy watching my mom type. The smallest typo, and she’d backtrack to the exact mistake, erasing perfectly good work in the process. “You know you don’t have to do that, right?” I’d say, with all the confidence of someone who thinks they know better. But no, backspace, delete, backspace, delete—groan.

Fast forward to yesterday: there I was, doing the exact same thing. Good grief—why is it so true that we become our parents?! But what hit me harder was the realization that it wasn’t just about typing. It was about the need for perfection. I picked up my mom’s perfectionist tendencies, deeply tied to the honor in precision and cleanliness I learned from my Japanese heritage. For years, I believed that getting everything perfect was the most honorable way of being.

Here’s the hard truth: it’s not. Perfectionism is a trauma response, not a skill.

The Trauma Response of Perfectionism

Perfectionism often begins as a coping mechanism, a way to shield ourselves from criticism, rejection, or perceived failure. Many of us, especially entrepreneurs and business owners, believe perfectionism drives our success. But as research shows, it’s often born from early childhood experiences where being “perfect” was the only way to avoid emotional harm. Psychologists, like Katerina Rnic, have explored how perfectionism leads to depression by fostering a sense of social disconnection. The more we strive for perfection, the more isolated we feel from others—and ourselves.

There are three common types of perfectionism:

1. Self-oriented perfectionism – The drive to be perfect in our own eyes.
2. Other-oriented perfectionism – Demanding perfection from those around us (hello, unreasonable expectations!).
3. Socially prescribed perfectionism – Believing others expect perfection from us to gain their approval

These forms of perfectionism create a cycle of constant striving, dissatisfaction, and disconnection. Instead of making us more productive, perfectionism paralyzes us with fear of not measuring up.

Sources:

Psychology Today: The Trauma of Perfectionism

Psychology Today: Perfectionsim Can Lead to Depression

Our strength lies not in expecting ourselves to be perfect but in understanding that our greatest strenghth is our ability to learn. Self-compassion means loving acceptance of our current limitations in a way that supports our marvelous ability to grow. - Dr. Kathryn Ford

My Addiction to Perfection

I began unraveling my addiction to perfection (yep, you heard me right—addiction) when I dove into mental fitness through Positive Intelligence. I learned about my inner Stickler. And surprise, surprise—my Stickler was off the charts. No wonder. Growing up, I learned that if I was perfect, I wouldn’t get hurt. That belief stuck with me, shaping how I showed up at work, in relationships, in life.

The result? I’d feel triggered, deeply triggered, whenever someone pointed out even the tiniest mistake. It was like a punch to the gut. I’d lash out, defend, justify, anything to keep my illusion of perfection intact. Not a pretty sight.

And here’s the thing: I’ve been peeling back the layers, uncovering where this came from. When I immigrated to this country at four years old, I knew exactly zero English. Just Korean. So, I was tossed into kindergarten, where kids can be, let’s say, less than gentle. I was teased relentlessly because I couldn’t speak English. My first English word? “No.” I was using it as my shield. For years, I blocked out the memory of being in ESL. The only thing I remembered was being in the GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) program by 4th grade. But those early years? That’s where my saboteurs—Avoider, Hyper-Achiever, and Stickler—were born. If I could be perfect, maybe I wouldn’t get hurt.

Fast forward 47 years from my childhood, and I find myself emotionally paralyzed because my husband didn’t gush about how delicious dinner was. He’s not torturing me—I’m doing it to myself! And yet, I take it out on him. Or the two years I spent not launching my podcast because I thought I had to do it all perfectly and on my own. Finally, I hired someone, and in just two months, my dream became reality.

Perfectionism is a thief—of time, dreams, and joy. We think it's helping us achieve success, but it's actually holding us back, keeping us stuck in endless loops of self-doubt and procrastination.

Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels the primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgement, and blame. - Brene Brown

Reclaim Your Time with the 80/20 Rule

Here’s where the shift happens. Instead of aiming for perfection in everything, embrace the 80/20 rule—also known as the Pareto Principle. It is one of the most valuable tools for reclaiming time from the clutches of perfectionism. It states that 80% of results come from just 20% of our efforts. This means that a small portion of what we do drives the majority of our outcomes. The key to productivity, then, is identifying and focusing on those high-impact activities and letting go of the rest.

Let’s say you’re launching a new product. Instead of obsessing over every single feature being perfect, focus on the 20% of features that will deliver 80% of the value to your customers. For example, if you’re building an app, users may care most about it being fast and easy to use. That’s your 20%. Perfecting every pixel on the interface? That’s probably part of the 80% that won’t have a significant impact on customer satisfaction or sales. By narrowing your focus to what truly matters, you can get to market faster, with less stress, and still have a highly successful product.

Ask yourself: What’s the 20% of your work that’s driving 80% of your success? Once you pinpoint that, you’ll see how much time you’re wasting on tasks that don’t actually move the needle. And that’s where you can free yourself from the trap of perfectionism.

What’s Important Now (WIN): Focus on the Present

The WIN principle (What’s Important Now) is another powerful tool for overcoming perfectionism. WIN helps you make decisions by narrowing your focus to the present moment and asking: What needs my attention right now? It’s about letting go of what could go wrong in the future or what wasn’t perfect in the past and laser-focusing on what matters most right now.

For example, imagine you’re preparing for a big presentation. Your perfectionist brain is racing—what if you forget something? What if the slides aren’t perfect? Instead of getting lost in this spiral, you ask yourself: What’s important now? The answer is likely practicing your delivery or reviewing your key points. Focusing on WIN frees you from perfectionism’s grip by allowing you to give your full attention to what will make the most difference in the moment.

Practical Application: At any given time, especially when you feel overwhelmed by all the details, pause and ask, What’s important right now? It’s a simple but powerful question that instantly shifts your focus from endless to-dos to actionable steps, helping you prioritize effectively and let go of unnecessary perfectionism.

By applying both the 80/20 rule and the WIN principle, you can stop chasing perfection and start embracing a more efficient, joyful approach to both your work and life.

Done is better than perfect. - Sheryl Sandberg

The Path Forward: Invest in Your Mental Fitness

Unbecoming the need for perfection isn’t about lowering your standards—it’s about reclaiming your time, energy, and sanity. Imagine what your life would look like if you let go of the need to be flawless. Your productivity would skyrocket, your relationships would improve, and most importantly, you’d feel a sense of freedom.

The best and most lasting way to break free from perfectionism is to strengthen your mental fitness. Building new mental muscles helps you make choices that are rooted in reality, not fear. Much like physical fitness, mental fitness involves building strength and resilience over time. It's about rewiring the way your brain reacts to stressors, challenges, and yes, imperfections. Mental fitness allows you to make better choices, to be more productive, and most importantly, to show yourself more compassion when things aren’t perfect. This process requires awareness, intention, and a commitment to change.

Through mental fitness, I’ve been able to identify my own perfectionistic tendencies, like my high Stickler saboteur from Positive Intelligence (PQ). This mental saboteur shows up whenever I feel the need to get every single thing right, down to the last detail. By focusing on building my mental fitness, I’ve learned to challenge that Stickler voice and instead focus on what really matters. It’s a muscle I’ve built over time, and with practice, I’ve learned to spot when I’m spiraling into perfectionism and how to course-correct.

The beauty of mental fitness is that it works in layers. By regularly building new mental muscles like self-command and empathy you begin to develop new mental habits. These habits help you respond to life’s challenges in healthier ways, without falling into old perfectionist traps.

Consider this: mental fitness isn’t about being perfect (that would be ironic, right?). It’s about progress, about becoming aware of your thoughts and actions and making better, more empowered choices each day.

The real transformation happens when you allow yourself to be human. When you start recognizing that good enough is more than enough, you reclaim not only your time and energy, but your joy.

To be worthy does not mean to be perfect. -Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD

Closing Thought

Now, here’s the kicker: as I wrote this, I even found a typo. But guess what? I left it there. Why? Because WIN—What’s Important Now—isn’t obsessing over every detail. What’s important is sharing this message with you and showing that I’m learning to become more comfortable with imperfection. I’m perfect in a whole new way. And chances are, most of you reading this didn’t even catch the typo.

That’s the beauty of letting go of perfectionism—when we focus on what really matters, we can live fuller, more satisfying lives. Let’s stop letting perfectionism steal our time and dreams and start embracing the freedom of being “good enough.”

Ready to leave perfectionism in the past? Join me for my upcoming mental fitness mastermind in January 2025. Drop a comment below or DM me to learn more. Let’s start the journey to becoming perfectly imperfect together