The High Cost of Staying Quiet

We’ve all been there:

The staff is trying to break a logjam, and you’ve got a good idea. You wait for the right time to speak. And wait and wait. Alas, the perfect moment never arrives. Instead, someone else offers something similar to your solution. “Brilliant,” the staff cries. And you walk out with that gloomy cartoon cloud hovering overhead.

Why do we stay quiet when we have something to say, and what’s the cost of this self-imposed silence? The answer ties to an inner critic who warns against saying something stupid that will draw scorn, damage a reputation and wreck any chance for a promotion. Each alleged consequence is either untrue or exaggerated.

As for the cost, repressing the urge to voice an opinion, write a protest sign or march in the streets, fuels frustration. The same goes for silencing ourselves in intimate relationships, at work, or in social situations.

Intellectually this is obvious, and yet many stay still anyway. They cope. It is what it is, they shrug. And they get by, rarely pausing to think about how much energy they expend trying to keep the peace, remain neutral, or redirect the spotlight.

The other way to look at it, of course, is ask, What’s to gain by speaking your mind? You can follow that with:

-      How would it make you feel to stop censoring yourself?

-      How would it change the way you acted at home, on the job, and at a cocktail party or family gathering?

-      Even if you weren’t able to persuade anyone of anything, how would it feel to contribute freely to the discussion?

-      Most importantly, how much further could you go if you weren't wasting all that firepower padding around the same treadmill?

Sometimes we hold our tongues for fear that lifting the lid off a simmering pot would worsen things, perhaps by forcing an unpleasant or even nasty discussion. “Leave it alone,” warns the inner critic. “Listen to me; I’ve got your best interests at heart.” The problem is that the steam is going to find its way out one way or another. Sooner or later, the lid will blow. Ka-boom.

It might just be time to thank the inner critic for trying to keep you safe, and then rewrite his job description. Tell him if he wants to stay, the new assignment it to make sure that when the butterflies show up, they fly in formation. A dose of nerves can actually fuel your performance. Even the bowling coach wants his team to be pumped up instead of super relaxed.

With practice, adrenaline becomes an asset instead of a liability. Speaking up replaces shutting up, and the question that has lingered – what’s the worst that could happen? – is answered. The answer is, nothing so bad. In fact, you might learn that it feels pretty good to participate after sitting on the sidelines for so long.

Steve Piacente is the owner of Next Phase Life Coaching in Rockville, MD, and the author of “Your New Fighting Stance: Good Enough Isn’t, and You Know It.” Steve is also Director of Training at The Communication Center in Washington, D.C.