How to Avoid Small Talk When Making New Connections
Devin Keane
Making meaningful connection a habit | Building the positive BeReal | Writing the newsletter for meaningful relationships
How superconnectors approach meaningful connections without using generic small talk.
Read time: 6 minutes
Hi Proactive Professional, before we get started...
Be the first to try our supercharged contacts app: Rolotech—the modern Rolodex.
If you've ever had trouble finding the right contact, remembering conversations, or keeping in touch, we have a solution.
It’s time to take back control of your most valuable asset: your network.
Join the priority waitlist here to get early access!
People tend to make the same networking mistakes over and over again. They reach out to a ton of people (or meet them at events), and focus on small talk followed by a shallow offer to “help” them reach their goals (with the intention of asking for help in return).
This is the antiquated form of transactional networking and it doesn't get you very far
There is a better way.
When I go out of my way to meet others, say at an event, my goal is not to "network" with 50+ people. Instead, I intend to truly connect with just one or two.
Those end up being the people I'd go out of my way to help in some way (and I know they'd do the same for me).
Let me explain the difference.
The way you meet 50 people at a networking event:
Indeed, we did not stay in touch. Can I tell you much about this person outside of their job? No. Do I feel comfortable introducing this person to any of my contacts? No. What did I really gain? Nothing.
The way you connect meaningfully with one or two people at that same event:
Today, I’ll walk you through how to execute the meaningful connection approach rather than the transactional networking that so many have made a habit of.
My advice comes from my experience networking online and at 50+ events in the last 6 months, as well as lessons learned from Superconnector by Scott Gerber erber & Ryan Paugh Paugh.
Make Connecting Meaningful Again:
1. Finding New People to Connect With
There are hundreds of ways to make new connections but we will focus on three:
i) Leveraging dormant ties
"Most people are more comfortable reaching out to people they already know than sidling up to a stranger. It's a natural jumping-off point and will lead to the same end results over time: new people." - Adam Grant
By starting with someone you have a shared experience with (hopefully a positive one…), you are able to create warm introductions to people in their network. Now you have a leg up by being referred through someone your new connection likely trusts.
ii) Offering collaborations or shared activities
"If you want to connect to people, one of the most effective ways is to work on a task with them so you have a common goal"
This could be collaborating on a project or competing in a sport with them. Attributes in one arena transfer to other places. In either case, you can bond over a shared interest, evaluate important qualities like reliable work product or determination, and get to know the person on a deeper level…don't talk about it, BE about it.
iii) Events
This one needs minimal explanation. There are tons of events in every city, be it conferences, happy hours, alumni events, activity-based events or more. You can even host your own! Some resources I use are the Tech in NYC Luma events list, Andrew Yeung's events, the Saturday app, and Meetup.com.
2. Gathering Context
"A connector's goal is to get as much context on the other person through conversation, research, surroundings, and third parties. Context is important because it helps you create a profile of an individual and also helps you determine your next steps so you're not operating blindly."
Recommended by LinkedIn
Sure context starts with basic information, but the way you use context to stand out is figuring out what they like and don't like. What the "whys" are behind each line on their LinkedIn profile you stalked. If you can, figure out what makes them remarkable or unique.
This is the info you should be jotting down in your contact book, CRM, notes app or even better, your Rolotech (sign up for our waitlist here) and then leverage it going forward.
If you leave a conversation with their job title, their frustration with the current weather, and that they live in the same city as the event, you've failed. So how do you get the right context?
3. Redefining Small Talk
You start to get the right context by turning everyday small talk into context conversation. This is an important mindset shift.
Simply put, it's small talk with a purpose. Your goal should be to extract the most relevant information about the person you are speaking with. Get them talking about their interests, why those interests formed, what the underlying reason they are at events like this to meet new people, and what makes them tick.
This doesn’t consist of one or two questions where you can likely guess the answer. It’s a series of questions that paint a full picture of the individual.
Superconnector even mentions "you should always be able to walk away from every conversation and immediately be able to introduce that person to someone else citing multiple factoids you have learned. But you want to do so in a thoughtful manner"
4. Good Questions Matter
Avoid closed-ended questions and ones that lead to generic answers.
❌ Do you like your job ➡ Yes
Instead, get people talking through open-ended questions. When phrased the right way, you'll allow them to talk about what matters most to them.
PLEASE stop using "what do you do" or "how can I help you?"
❌ What do you do? ➡ Memorized high level answer about their job.
✔ What's something you're working on? ➡ Pique their interest about whatever they are most passionate about working on. It could be their job, their side hustle, or a hobby they are really interested in.
❌ How can I help you? ➡ Broad, unclear, and assumes that you are a helpful person. Plus most people aren't great at articulating what they need.
✔ If you've properly asked open-ended questions and created context around the individual, you'll be able to derive things that they may need and offer that as help. Now you can make a realistic offer to help where you can.
Superconnector discusses how good questions enable you to understand what a person needs.
“Those needs can be in the form of a business or personal relationship, insights/knowledge/education, or a vendor/tool/resource. Now it's your job to figure out whom you know who can fill these various needs."
Put a stop to your old way of networking—you're just wasting your time. Get to know who you are meeting on a deeper level.
After all, "the fundamental element that defines the quality of your life is the people you surround yourself with and the conversations you have with them." - Superconnector
What I’m committing to this week for building relationships:
What are you committing to this week? Let me know on LinkedIn!
Helpful links:
Sign up for the Rolotech waitlist (your network will thank you 😉)
Best of luck building,
Devin
Innovative Marketing & Sales Strategies: Driving Growth at Intentus
11moDevin, your journey through intentional networking is both inspiring and relatable. Like you, I've rediscovered the unmatched value of face-to-face interactions in recent times. After years of predominantly digital networking, I've returned to in-person meetings and can attest to the depth and authenticity they bring to professional relationships. Your insights on creating meaningful connections resonate deeply with me, especially your emphasis on genuine interest and giving before receiving. It's remarkable how these principles not only enhance our professional networks but also enrich our personal lives. I'm encouraged to continue nurturing my relationships, both old and new, and am looking forward to seeing where this renewed focus takes me in my own journey. Thank you for sharing your story and igniting this conversation!
Co-Founder, CEO @ Flint | Building Culture, Empowering People | ex-Cash App, ex-Google
1yDevin Keane Great post. I'm curious, does your strategy change if you have different motives? I wonder if getting your brand seen by as many people, even if at a shallow level, is ever the desired outcome.
Career Guidance | Training and Instruction | Empowering and Educating Professionals to Support Successful Career Advancement
1yA handful of deep, meaningful connections > Tons of surface-level, superficial connections Great share, Devin Keane!
Sales stories for seed-stage founders | Helping you attract clients with science-backed storytelling that makes it clear what you do and why they need you. | Not a guru | Off-brand Nick Offerman
1yThis is a great example Devin Keane. A lot of the time people go to networking events and cast a wide net but only end up leaving with no contacts and a handful of business cards.
🔥 Fast-tracking execs to $200K/$500K/$1M+ jobs | ICF-accredited Career Coach | Resume Writer | Results in 45 Days | Serving talent from Meta, Goldman, BlackRock, and many more | Watch my Featured video ⬇️
1yI'm also for having a few substantive conversations at a gathering when meeting new people, instead of brief, perfunctory chats, handing out business cards like a Vegas dealer, Devin.