How to disagree with someone without being disrespectful

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How to disagree with someone without being disrespectful

By Stephanie Vozza

When it comes to important values, a 2024 Gallup News poll found that 80% of U.S. adults believe Americans are greatly divided—a record high. Holiday gatherings often set the stage for discussions that turn into arguments, especially about politics. While it would be nice if everyone could agree, it’s also possible to disagree without going to a place of disrespect.

“It’s not uncommon to see people being mean,” says Jon Gordon, coauthor of Difficult Conversations Don’t Have to be Difficult. “But it’s unnecessary. You can have a difference of opinion, but you don’t have to attack the person.”

Start with You

To disagree without falling to a place of disrespect, Gordon says you need to first have a conversation with yourself. “How are you coming across?” he asks. “How are you presenting yourself? What’s driving you? Is it to make a difference? Is it to judge? Or are you coming from a place of appreciation and acceptance?” 

Be mindful if you’re sharing from your hurt or healing. “If you look at social media now, people are so hurt that they’re coming out of their wound instead of their own healing,” says Gordon. “When you’re coming out of your hurt, it’s going to be negative. And when you’re coming out of your healing, it’s going to be positive.” 

For example, you may lash out if you feel you aren’t being heard or seen. “That could be coming from your hurt,” says Gordon. “Maybe you didn’t feel heard or seen when you were younger. From a healing standpoint, though, you can look inside and know that you have something to offer. You see your own self-worth and aren’t looking for others to validate you.”

Once you start recognizing your own worth, others will start to see it, too, says Gordon. “You will have a more powerful wholeness and integrity,” he says. “The word ‘integrity’ comes from the word ‘integer,’ which means whole and complete. When you feel connected to yourself, you have more confidence and courage, instead of feeling separate and disconnected, where you feel powerless.” 

Acknowledge Others

Once you understand how you’re projecting and how you move towards others, shift your mindset to acknowledge that a differing opinion is a person not just a point of view. 

“You may disagree, and you may even think their idea is trash,” says Gordon. “But you can value the person and the intention from which their idea came.” 

Gordon calls the mindset “small ego, big mission.” “Your ego is smaller than the mission and work you want to do together,” he explains. “We exist to accomplish something great together. It can be in business or a friendship.”

Acknowledging others means always putting first things first. “The Greek root for the word ‘anxious’ means to separate and divide,” says Gordon. “When you feel disconnected, you act in ways that focus on self-preservation. The goal is to move towards connection and relationship. The more you get into your system to value and respect others—knowing that that person matters—the more openly you can see the world and move forward.”

Follow Rules of Engagement

Difficult conversations don’t have to be difficult if there are rules of engagement, says Gordon. For example, enter a discussion focusing on respect and relationship. 

“Respecting the person and the relationship is important, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak your mind and share how you feel,” he says. “When you do it, though, speak your truth in love. Say your truth but in a constructive way.”

For example, you could say, “I value you. I appreciate you. And I recognize all that you offer. I just disagree with your opinion on that. I have a different way of thinking, and here’s why I think this way.”

Once you share your reason why and the substance and intention behind it, acknowledge the other person and what they believe. Their truth may be different than yours and understanding how they arrived at their opinion can help you see why they believe what they do. 

You can control how you react and respond, but you can’t control the other person. At some point, they have a choice. They can assume positive intent with you and appreciate that you have a different opinion. Or they could argue and try to convince you to come to their side. 

“Not everyone’s going to agree with you,” says Gordon. “We often want to convince each other instead of listening to and hearing each other. Let’s not try to convince each other all the time. Let’s also hear each other. Let’s understand why people feel the way they feel.”

“Agree to disagree” can sound trivial, but when you are sharing your truth and fundamentally see a topic differently, it’s what you have to do sometimes, says Gordon. “People are more anxious and disconnected than ever,” he says. “Everything comes down to oneness and separateness. And at the heart of that difficult conversation, the goal is to bring you back into connection and oneness.”

Even if that simply means acknowledging them as another human being. 

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