How To Form Friendships with Your American Colleagues

Bottom Line: Forming friendships with American colleagues can be challenging. Understanding the differences between the Italian and American cultures, combined with taking some initiative, will get you the outcome you want.

How Friendly are Americans?

Americans are very friendly; aren’t they?  Most Italians that I have worked with have noticed this right away.  Overall, most appreciate this American quality, but some of them can’t help but feel that it is a little fake.  

Being stopped in the street and told by an American stranger that they “love” your jacket?  Isn't that a little “over the top?” (1)  And why ask me how I’m doing, if you don’t want to hear an answer?

Would this happen in Italy?

The degree of American friendliness can vary depending on whether you live in a crowded city or a small town. Except for busy large cities like New York,  Americans are more likely to make eye contact, smile, and say hello to strangers as they pass by.  They might even strike up (2) conversations with people they don’t know in stores, standing in line, etc.  These small, superficial conversations, known as “Small Talk,” are common to Americans. Yet, most Italians I have spoken to here cringe (3) when I ask them about making small talk.

American Peaches

Americans are like peaches, according to Erin Myer in her book, “The Culture Map.” They are friendly, or “soft” on the outside with those they have just met, but then if you want to get to their core, it’s hard like a pit.  Getting to know them past a superficial level isn’t easy. They will freely talk about their family or certain struggles they’re experiencing, but this easy intimacy lulls the non-native American into thinking they are in a closer relationship than what actually exists.

Moira Delgado, an Outreach Specialist for Services of International Students and Scholars, told the California Aggie that she has found that Americans tend to use the word “friend” more loosely than people from other cultures. Someone might be considered a friend, even if the American knows they could not count on them in an emergency.  Someone who can be counted on in times of trouble- that would be a true friend.  

Delgado attributes this to the American history. Americans in the past, (and still to this day) move around a lot.  This required them to make connections quickly.  But they were also able to easily drop these connections if they needed to move. “It also has to do with their deep sense of being independent and not relying on other people because once you have a deeper relationship, you also become dependent on that person.”

I think Ms. Delgado captured American working relationships 100%.  

The American workforce culture doesn’t promote these friendships either.  Many professional Italians who I work with had no problem making friends at work in Italy. But they are discouraged by how difficult it has been to form meaningful friendships with their colleagues here in the States. 

So you may be asking, how can I form meaningful friendships with my peachy American colleagues? It isn’t easy.  There don't seem to be so many opportunities to form these relationships. Americans are less inclined to stop by your work area to just “hang out” and talk than Italians are.  They don’t seem to like to take breaks.   They often prefer eating a cold sandwich at their desk rather than going out to lunch with colleagues, even if they sense they’d have a good time doing so.  

Don’t take it personally

Americans are task-oriented people.  The American culture places a great deal of importance on achieving goals through skillfully managing tasks and time.  The pressure to get as much done as possible, as quickly as possible is what drives them - perhaps to their detriment, depending on who you talk to. 

What Can You Do

There are many things that you can do to improve friendships with your colleagues.

1. Learn how to make Small Talk:  

There are strategies that you can use for initiating, maintaining, and ending small talk.  

If you’d like a free copy of my “Small Talk, Quick Mastery Guide” for some quick tips, click on the image below.

2. Go into the office more often

Working from home definitely has its advantages, but if you really want to get to know people better, nothing beats the old-fashioned way of meeting them in person.  It is easier than trying to form a connection online.

 3. Bring in coffee or food to the office

Not only does this build a sense of community, but your American colleagues will likely love any Italian food you might bring in.  This is a great chance for them to learn more about where you are from, which is a major part of your identity.

 4. Plan ways to socialize outside of the workplace

Yes, Americans don’t do this as much as Italians, but for our psychological well-being, ask us (writing as an American myself). We work too hard.  It isn’t good for us.  Getting to know your colleagues in a more relaxed atmosphere will allow you to get to know each other better.  So keep asking us out to lunch, maybe we will relax a bit and say yes.

Another great idea is organizing something that will raise money for a worthy cause that you all care about.  For example, there are many 5Ks and walks that charities sponsor.  Get a group of your colleagues together.  You can improve your relationships and raise money for a worthy cause, all at the same time.

5. Recognize You Are Working with Task-Oriented People

Remember, the typical American is task-oriented.  They often feel pressured by time.  So whatever you can do to help save them time will make them appreciative.  From helping them with a project, or communicating concisely, they will appreciate your consideration.

Making friends in a different culture is never easy.  It takes time and patience, but when we can form meaningful relationships with our colleagues, our work life becomes much more gratifying.  

If you’d like to learn more about how to communicate in ways that will allow you to relate better to your American colleagues, I can help.  By taking my communication course designed for Italian professionals working in the USA, you can learn to navigate communication with Americans so you can be more successful in your career.

To know more, contact me at dcortigiani@effectiveenglish.us, send a DM on LinkedIn, or go to my website:  www.effectiveenglish.us and hit the “Live Classes” tab.

1 Over the top=excessive

2 Strike up a conversation=initiate a conversation

3 Cringe=have an inward feeling of acute embarrassment or awkwardness