How to Handle Passive-Aggressive Co-Workers

Dealing with co-worker conflicts can make the workplace uncomfortable no matter the situation. But, it can be a little more frustrating when a co-worker is passive-aggressive because the root of the behavior is tough to pinpoint. To help resolve the issue and reverse the behavior, start by approaching your co-worker in a non-confrontational way.

By Brandi Fowler

Passive-aggressive behavior occurs when someone expresses negative feelings like anger or frustration indirectly instead of directly addressing the issue. 

Passive-aggressive behavior at work can cause productivity and workplace issues. Professor of Psychology at New York University and Jerks at Work: Toxic Coworkers and What to Do About Them author Tessa West said with the rise of Quiet Firing and Quiet Quitting, it feels like that behavior is “in the air.” 

“We are now dealing with difficult issues by doing nothing at all or being very hands-off,” West said. “No longer can we look at these very aggressive behaviors in people to diagnose these types of things. I think one way that a lot of people are sensing that someone is being passive-aggressive at work is actually through their indirect communication, Slack channels, WhatsApp conversations or social media-based ways of handling conflict that don't involve direct confrontation. 

“So, if someone is trying to destroy you on social media or they are making indirect comments about the workplace [that is an example of passive-aggressiveness],” added West. “Recently I dealt with an employer who had a co-worker who made a bunch of TikTok videos about them but didn't call them out by name. I think this is one way these things are getting manifested.” 

Signs That a Co-worker is Being Passive-Aggressive

Passive-aggressive behavior can show up in numerous ways at work, and because it isn’t direct communication, it is important to pay attention for signs. 

“A passive-aggressive co-worker might ‘accidentally’ leave you off a meeting or ‘forget’ to send you key information for a project, offer backhanded compliments in meetings, give you the silent treatment, gossip about you instead of addressing concerns to you, or bcc’ing your boss on an email exchange when they aren’t getting their way,” said career success strategist & author Jennifer Brick. 

Disengagement can be a red flag too, West said. “I think this is true for bosses, and this is also true for co-workers. So free-riding, not pulling your weight, not showing up to those meetings or handing off your work to other people are all forms of passive-aggressive behavior at work.

Other typical signs of passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace include: “giving people the silent treatment, gossiping behind your back, sarcasm, and ‘Forgetting’ to inform you of critical information,” said narcissistic abuse coach Lynn Catalano. 

Causes of Passive-Aggressive Behavior at Work

Passive-aggressiveness may be caused by insecurity, lack of self-confidence, a fear of conflict, or unawareness of how to have healthy conflict, Brick said. 

“[By being passive-aggressive], your co-worker might think they are taking the high road, when they often make the situation worse,” Brick said. 

West also said passive-aggressive behavior can result from not having training on how to handle “low-level conflict.” 

“We don't know how to bring up negative [issues] in a way that is non-threatening to both us and the recipient,” West said. “So the way we deal with it is to complain to our friends or the people we trust at work, but we never actually have those uncomfortable conversations early. Often we have them very late.”

While many issues can cause passive-aggressive behavior, the root cause might not be you. 

“[If] someone on your team is mad at the boss, they might end up being aggressive towards you passively to take it out on that boss, but you are the more direct recipient of that,” West said.

How to Handle a Passive-Aggressive Co-Worker

The next step after confirming your co-worker is being passive-aggressive is trying to find a constructive resolution. 

“I think it’s important to begin with empathy,” Brick said. “They are doing the best they can, and direct confrontation doesn’t feel safe to them, which can make addressing it precarious as they are likely to deny any negative dynamics.”

First, address the behavior in private. “State what you have observed,” Brick said. “For example, 

‘You have made a couple of comments in our team meetings about my work on the project. I respect your opinion and appreciate direct feedback. If you have any concerns I’d like to talk about them.’ 

“Building trust and safety for them to express themselves can help mitigate the behavior. No matter what, do not reciprocate their passive-aggressiveness, and don’t take it personally. At the end of the day, this is an issue they need to deal with — and not your problem (even when they try to make it yours).”

In addition, remove any assumptions of why they are being passive-aggressive. 

When to Involve a Mediator to Resolve a Co-Worker’s Behavior

You’ve adjusted your behavior. You’ve talked to your co-worker about theirs. Nothing has changed. At what point do you contact a manager to help?

“If their behavior is having a negative impact on the business, and you have done the best you can to address it on your own, it might be time to take it to your boss,” Brick said. “If you need to take this step, focus on the business impact, such as how their no-showing at meetings is impacting project timelines and budgets. In addition, don’t bring this to your boss as a problem they need to deal with — even though it is. 

“Frame this as a situation you need help with. Most managers will take over the issue, because negative business impacts make them look bad, however, this frames you as a willing supporter, and emerging leader, who is proactive in guiding the team’s success.”

To avoid bringing the issue to your manager, try a different approach if confronting your co-worker didn’t work the first time.

“Go to someone and say, ‘Can we deal with this on our own? Let's come up with a plan and we will only go to the manager if X doesn't happen,’” West said. "So, it is not treated as a threat. ‘If you don't fix it, I'm going to the manager, but we are going to need a mediator to help us to get through this if we can't accomplish these goals. So let's figure out what those goals are and when they need to be accomplished.’

“Treat it a little bit like you would a marital fight where you need counseling. So the boss isn't this kind of punitive measure, they are more someone who's going to have to step in and help, or HR is going to have to step in and help, but the person that you are bringing up the conflict with is well aware that that's a possibility if things don't change, so you are both on the same page and you're coming up with what that looks like.”

Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace can be frustrating. Instead of acting the same way towards passive-aggressive co-workers, approach them about their behavior in a non-confrontational way. Try to find out the root cause and suggest an action plan so that they can correct it. 

(A version of this article first appeared on October 20, 2022, on the Get Ahead by LinkedIn News page. You can read the full article, which was written and reported by Brandi Fowler, by clicking here.)

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