How to make people Love you...

Is Love Manufactured...?

In 1967 Professor Arthur Aron was working on the principles of Love and Relationships, having been with his wife for 50 years he wanted to see if love could be engineered or manufactured...

He was convinced that love was a result of understanding, revealing and engaging at a deeper level with the other person not just the "love at first sight" approach...

I was interviewed yesterday by Claudia Neumeister of LuxDates in Luxembourg about my relationship and marriage to Lynn - aka The Blonde One.

We have been together since 1979, married since 1986 lived in three countries on two continents, have two fabulous boys, run our companies together and still haven't killed each other - but there is time...

It's difficult to explain exactly what has enabled us to stay happy for over 40 years - it's just something we have done, never read a book on it or seen a relationship expert...

One thing I do know is that it wasn't love at first sight, at least for me.

I was 16 travelling on the bus to attend College in Nuneaton in the UK. Lynn was on the same bus but attending a different college.

My subjects were Maths, Physics, Chemistry and Astronomy - all of which I failed convincingly - whilst Lynn's were Beauty Therapy, Massage and Wellbeing...

Which meant that when she was on the bus, she wore her cute white lab coat with hair up and makeup on...

Plus being 18 meant that she was quite a sight for a mere 16-year-old. It was lust at first sight, the love evolved later.

During our time together we have got to know each other quite well, and so when I heard of this research I was intrigued, and it turns out we have effectively been using this approach without realising it had a name.

What Professor Arthur Aron discovered was that by getting people to engage in a structured conversation based around a simple list of 36 questions, enabled and encouraged them to fall in love, or rekindle the love that may have been there in the past.

He designed the questions but before unleashing them on the world, thought he'd test them out on a couple of colleagues.

Two Laboratory Technicians were selected and, not knowing the intended purpose of the process, were invited to use the questions as the basis of a series of conversations.

The result was they got married and invited all their colleagues to the wedding.

So can this be used by anyone...?

The principle of "revealing" oneself to another person, being vulnerable and open to expose thoughts, beliefs, values and attitudes is probably the single most powerful strategy to engage with, influence and attract others.

It works in marketing, leadership and both personal and professional relationships. If you want to engage with someone, take an interest in them and have a discussion about it - it's that simple...

I think in hindsight, this openness, vulnerability and understanding of each other was and remains the basis of our 40+ year relationship - Lynn being 5ft, Blonde and fitting the white lab coat in all the right places helped, but it was the deeper understanding and appreciation that sustained us.

What are the 36 Questions...?

Here they are...

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, who would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25. Make three “we” statements each. Example, “We are both in this room feeling …”
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Final task/suggestion: Stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes.

So if you want to connect, reconnect or simply have an engaging conversation during this time of lockdown and enforced isolation, perhaps these questions could help...

Here's a LINK to a video of mine on the subject too...