How to receive difficult feedback with grace

What is feedback? Let’s have a quick look at the dictionary.

“The transmission of evaluative or corrective information about an action, event, or process to the original or controlling source” Merriam-Webster

In my own words, feedback is a manifestation of how others choose to respond to what we create in the world. When it comes as a gift, feedback is an invitation to reflect on the impact that our behaviors, products or services have on other people. So, does this mean that feedback is always a gift? Not quite.

When feedback shifts my view of the world, I choose to keep it as a gift. Even if it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Receiving difficult feedback can be uncomfortable, but it does not have to be painful. If it feels painful, it is because your mind is interpreting those words as an act of rejection.

Your mind is basically saying “This person does not want me anymore. I have been rejected.” Of course, when we feel rejected, the whole world falls apart for us because, as well explained by Marisa Peer, deep down we are all tribal people. It is written in our DNA: at all times, we must avoid rejection and get connection. This is because, when humans lived in tribes, they had to conform to the norms of the group at all times, if they wanted to survive.

I am sure you have many, vivid examples that come to mind when you recall the consequences of being rejected. It is such a painful experience, that we try to avoid it at all costs.

At this point, you may think: “What does rejection have to do with difficult feedback, really? Even if my partner or my boss gets mad at me, I am not banned from humanity. I can live with it.”

It makes sense, doesn’t it? Nobody is going to die from an overdose of critical words that come from other people. After all, they are just words, aren’t they? When pain and tragic consequences occur, it is because we have chosen to let those critical words in, allowing them to hurt ourselves. Remember: we always have a choice.

Words create worlds and we choose what we want to create.

Before we make any choice, I want to explore the quality of the feedback with you. Because difficult feedback makes us feel uncomfortable and sometimes rejected, right? However, you would probably agree with me on the fact that difficult feedback is not ‘toxic’ by nature.

Drawing from my experience, I have come to the conclusion that difficult feedback is made of two ingredients that determine the value of what we can get from it. These ingredients are intention and ego (self-interest).

Imagine a scale. On one side we have a big ego and a negative intention. On the completely opposite side of the scale, we have no ego and a positive intention. Of course, like on any other scale, there are many options in between.

Now, I want to take a close look at different scenarios with you. The distinctions that I am going to make will empower you to:

1. Make a clear distinction between difficult feedback and toxic criticism.
2. Receive and respond to difficult feedback gracefully.
3. Look for and embrace feedback that makes you feel uncomfortable when it comes from a positive intention.

It feels like a punch in the stomach: is that feedback?

When somebody is giving you a so-called feedback that comes in the toxic flavors of shame or blame, then you can be sure that you are not experiencing feedback. You are experiencing a toxic behavior. There is never a good intention in blaming or shaming. The critic is nothing more than a fearful ego, charged with damaging intentions. Blaming is nothing more than an emotional discharge. When we blame someone, as it probably happened to many of us, we are giving away the responsibility to manage our emotions and to look for a solution.

“Instead of pointing fingers when something goes wrong, good managers work collaboratively with their team and focus on solutions. They pull people aside to discuss slip-ups instead of publicly shaming them, and they’re willing to accept responsibility for mistakes made under their leadership.”  Travis Bradberry

How to deal with toxic criticism gracefully

We may be tempted to believe that there is not much to do when we deal with harsh criticism. The truth is that we have options and we can choose how to respond - not to react.

The first, most simple but powerful option is choosing not to respond at all. When harsh, critical words are coming our way, we can simply choose to ignore them altogether. If it is a toxic email or a hurtful comment, you can delete them. In her article, Kathy Caprino suggests that “You don’t have to take in their insults, or process them, or do anything at all with their hateful remarks, but eject them out of your sphere, for good.”

If you choose to respond with grace, according to Marisa Peer, you can do so at least in five ways by saying:

1. “Thank you for sharing that”
2. “Would you repeat what you just said more slowly?”
3. “Are you trying to make me feel bad about myself?”
4. “You know, this is not going to work because I am not going to let it in.”
5. “Do you know that critical people have the most criticism reserved for themselves? You are showing me how dissatisfied you are with yourself when you behave like this.”

When feedback is an opportunity to learn and grow

How do you know if a difficult feedback is informed by a positive, constructive intention? Good feedback is:

1. Timely. If it comes weeks or months later, it is outdated. This is why there is an increasing number of companies that have abandoned the practice of performance appraisals.
2. Solution focused. Useful feedback leads to taking action.
3. An opportunity to learn, grow and improve our performance. Instead, when the feedback is critical and provided without a constructive intention, there is no space to learn.
4. In tune with the receiver’s emotional state. This is a crucial point, often ignored by many. If the person is experiencing strong negative emotions - anxiety, fear, anger, distress - then ask for permission before sharing feedback with them. Chances are that the message will be ignored or refused altogether when negative emotions are on the way.
5. Delivered with empathy, respect and in private. This sounds like a basic requirement. If someone gives you critical feedback in public, it is a red flag that signals blame and shame.
6. Related to a specific event, fact or behavior. When feedback is impersonal - ‘someone said’ - with no context, or directed to your identity, then you will get no value out of the conversation.
7. Owned by the person in front of you. If the message comes from somebody else, ask to speak with them directly.

How to turn difficult feedback into a learning experience

Even if we see value in receiving feedback regularly, at times we can end up feeling uncomfortable and even rejected if we are not prepared to receive it. This is even more likely to occur when we disagree with others’ point of view and emotions run strong.

Learning from my mistakes, I have identified the strategies that work for me when stakes are high:

1. Be prepared with facts and context.
2. Take responsibility for the outcome. Ask yourself: what do I want to get out of this conversation? What is important for me? What are my negotiable vs my non-negotiable points on the agenda?
3. Increase your stress tolerance. Practice a 4-7-8 breathing exercise, use a power pose, or meditate for 15 minutes.
4. Before the meeting, visualize the scene in your mind. Imagine that both of you have very positive intentions towards each other and that together you will find the best agreement possible. Why does this technique work? Because our mind does not know the difference between what is real and what is imagined. Your emotional response to what you see in your mind will get you well prepared for the ‘real’ conversation.
5. When the stakes are high, follow the steps and get ready for a crucial conversation.

About the author

Linda is a Leadership Guru (Coach) at Google, and founder of Authentic Leader coaching.

Linda's mission is to Inspire, Empower and Transform. She works with authentic leaders on a mission to empower and transform humanity. They are unconventional thinkers, who put meaning and purpose before profit and choose value over power. They practice empathy and connect authentically because they believe that the meaning of life is unconditional love.

If this is your mission, I would love to speak with you.

All views and posts are my own and do not reflect the views of my employer.