HOW TO SUPPORT INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE GRIEVING DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON

"Tips for Supporting the Bereaved"

As we prepare for the holidays, I am often reminded when treating my long-term mentally ill patients, that the holidays are not a good time for everyone. Often times, my patients are very much reminded of the supports they don’t have; the loved ones lost over the years and the various symbolic losses that they have had difficulty coping with over the years (Symbolic losses can be relationships, divorce, job loss; loss related to physical and mental limitations etc). 

As a certified grief counselor, I often facilitated discussions in my Healing In Recovery psychoeducation grief and loss group and individual grief counseling sessions on various ways of coping with loss, especially during the holiday season. 

Some of the difficulties that I hear my patients struggle with are related to what others have said to them over time related to their unresolved grief. Although friends, relatives can mean well, it often leaves the individual dealing with the grief feeling more depressed, isolative and alone. 

Grief is never an easy topic to talk about, especially during the holidays, sometimes we want to give support to others, however we may not know what to say. Here are a few pointers below:

STATEMENT 1: “I Know how you feel” 

Replace with “I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, I am here if you need me to listen” 

Stay away from this generalization. We want to be careful in our wording. We must treat everyone’s grief differently. Everyone grieves in a different way.

STATEMENT 2: “Your loved one’s wouldn’t want you to be this way”

Replace with “It’s okay to feel the way you are feeling”

Validate the person’s feelings. They need to know that it is OKAY to feel the way they are feeling and that these feelings are normal. 

“It’s time for you to move on from this…get over it”

Replace with “As long as you need me, I am here to support you for as long as it takes”.

Patience and support are very important when individuals are grieving. It’s important to make a space for the individual to allow grieving to occur in its own way. It's so vital to provide support to the bereaved. Now…I am not saying that you have to be mental health professional ….it’s important to encourage the individual to seek grief counseling for additional support, however it also important that their loved ones and those in their support system understand and support their grief process.

STATEMENT 3: “Don’t think about it right now…I know its stressing you out”

Replace with “Why don’t you share your memories and feelings regarding the person you lost”?

You want to help the individual began the process of sorting through their feelings in relation to the person they lost. Encourage the individual to process with a journal to capture their feelings for reflection. Help them talk openly and honestly through stories. Remember listening and just being present with the individual is sometimes enough…just be supportive. Also help the individual to do this at their own pace, we don’t want to pressure them to look at positive memories, because sometimes this can have the opposite effect and can increase depression. Give them a journal as a gift to write in and encourage them to do so when they are ready. Another idea could be looking at old photos albums to trigger memories that could be helpful. Preserve traditions that they did with the deceased person. Help them come up with a “Grief Ritual” to honor their loved one, a small way that they can keep them alive and connect with them in live. Remember when we lose people, we very much keep them alive in our emotional lives, we can definitely keep them alive in our physical lives! (I will elaborate on Grief Rituals in my next article”.

STATEMENT 4: "They are a in a Better Place”

Replace with “ I know you miss them so much right now in this space”.

We want to encourage the bereaved to deal with grief in their own way. I know when I am working with my patients, I want to respect the way they see death and their spiritual dimension, I always encourage them to continue to communicate with the deceased in their own way. The person who experienced the lost just wants the decease next to them….

STATEMENT 5 : “ If you need anything let me know”

Replace with “ If you want I can do X, Y and Z.

Although we say this with good intention, often times it’s an vague and empty statement. Be specific with your gestures of what you can offer, I know when it was said to me when I lost my first child, I was too overwhelmed and didn’t want to ask for help, however when someone became more specific in ways they could help, it kept the pressure off of me to think of ways that they could help. Make it easy for them to accept help, be specific in helping them with daily tasks…sometimes the smallest gesture…are bigger in the eyes of those that are suffering and make all the difference! 

STATEMENT 6: “Its all part of God’s Plan”

Replace with ” When my child died, the pastor said something that helped me through, “God grieves with us”

This statement I have heard individuals say to others who are grieving constantly. PLEASE DO NOT SAY THIS ONE! Even those who are deeply rooted in their own spirituality think this one is offensive. We don’t want to fuel any anger at God or the individual’s higher power for this natural event. 

This list is not exhaustive, there are plenty of statements that people should stay away from when helping individuals who are grieving. I just wanted to point some out that I have encountered in my practice.  There are no magic words or sayings that will work for everyone that is grieving, because grieving is individualized to the person’s experience. As someone who has experienced many losses, I have found this to be true. The best thing you can do for someone who is grieving is be open to them, available, supportive, demonstrate empathy, patience and understanding and most importantly validate, validate, validate their emotions…WHY? Because who doesn’t want to feel heard and feel like their emotions matter. 

Shara Ruffin, LSW, ACSW, C-SWHC, GC-C, CTFP, CCPT 

Certified Grief Counselor