How Words Can Reflect and Reinforce Patterns of Violence

In last week's newsletter, I talked about the Conformity Dynamic, which drags us away from respecting individuality, usually offering a pretense of being rational, civilized, polite. This week I'm going to introduce you to the Coercion Dynamic, which drags us away from collaboration and makes no pretense at being polite—it is brutal.

The Coercion Dynamic, which happens when people use their power to coerce others rather than creating a collaborative environment, is an equally ancient, well-worn path that leads from bias to bullying to harassment to violence. If you aren’t aware of that path from bias to violence, you might give unconscious bias a “pass.” 

Simon himself wasn’t overtly threatening me, but he was normalizing a sinister, criminal notion—that people think that having sex with someone too drunk to give consent is just a “party foul.” 

But because bias can give way to violence, acknowledging that it matters is important, and we must take bias seriously. My lived experience of the Coercion Dynamic has been of a privileged sort. I have rarely had to fear for my physical safety. But here is a story that illuminates why it’s vital to recognize it, not to deny it.

The Coercion Dynamic at the Holiday Party

I went to a holiday party a few months into a new job. The company’s employees were predominantly (over 70%) men, so just walking in the door, I was a little intimidated. I was greeted by women, mostly naked, dancing in cages. That didn’t help. As I did too often in my career, I tried to ignore what was happening around me. Women dancing in cages?Someone’s terrible idea of a joke, I reasoned. I tried to ignore how uncomfortable I felt.

I looked around for a familiar face. A colleague, Simon, was headed my way. He handed me a beer. At first, I was glad to see him. Then Simon ruined everything by asking, “Do you know what a Southern girl’s mating call is?” I said I didn’t want to know, but Simon told me anyway: “Y’all, I’m so drunk.”

I didn’t feel physically threatened by Simon, exactly, but this brief exchange tripped all my sensors. The context of the party mattered—predominantly men. At college, at business school, and throughout my career, I’d been in male-dominated environments. I’d had enough good experiences to know that 99 out of 100 men posed me no harm. And I’d had enough bad experiences to intuit that one out of a hundred would sexually assault me in some way if he got a chance. I just didn’t know who that one man was. I didn’t think it was Simon.

But at the very least, Simon was signaling that he was not an upstander. He was reminding me—even if he didn’t realize it—that it would not be wise for me to let my guard down that evening.

If we lived in a world where the Coercion Dynamic did not create a well-worn path from bias to sexual violence, his behavior would have been “only” bias. He was unconscious of the implications of what he was saying. He didn’t mean it. A discrete event.

But given the world we did live in, he was reflecting and reinforcing rape culture. Even if he wasn’t aware of it, ignorance was no excuse.

Discrete Incidents Vs. Dynamics

It’s important to understand the difference between a discrete incident and an incident that is a part of a dynamic that leads from bias to violence and contributes to systemic injustice. A discrete incident is bad but is far less threatening than the dynamic that carries with it the threat or past experience of violence. 

A man in tech can experience gender bias, but not sexism or misogyny. Sexism describes the dynamic between gender bias and discrimination, and misogyny describes the dynamic between gender bias and violence. A white person in the United States can certainly experience racial bias, but not racism. Racism describes the dynamic between racial bias and both discrimination and violence.

When I hazed my colleague Russ during the podcast recording, saying that he was “born doing the power pose,” he experienced a discrete incident of bullying. He was in no way concerned that my behavior, while admittedly bad, posed any threat to his physical safety, nor did this incident trigger past experiences he’d had where a woman’s bullying of him became violent—because he hadn’t had any such experiences, nor had anyone he knew. 

My behavior was not part of a pattern in which women committed acts of violence against men. It did not play into the Coercion Dynamic, that well-worn slippery slope from bias to violence. It was bullying, but it wasn’t misogyny (the dynamic that leads from bias to violence against women) or misandry (a theoretical but rarely seen dynamic that leads from bias to violence against men).

However, when Simon told me the rape joke, it was both bias and misogyny. I felt a menacing undercurrent. Simon himself wasn’t overtly threatening me, but he was normalizing a sinister, criminal notion—that people think that having sex with someone too drunk to give consent is just a “party foul.” 

Whether he intended to or not, he was reminding me that I wasn’t physically safe—especially if I had a drink. I’m not saying intentions don’t matter. At the same time, impact also matters.

I don’t think it’s too much to expect Simon to be aware of this dynamic or to hold him accountable for not playing into it. I knew Simon well enough to be pretty sure he did not think of himself as a person who would rape a woman or condone rape.

However, if he wanted to show up to others as the kind of person he envisioned himself to be, he needed to understand the context in which he was making this joke and the impact it had. If we are going to cultivate Radical Respect, we must be aware of the dynamics that can lead us from bias to discrimination to abuse or from bias to bullying to violence. 

Even if we ourselves have never committed an act of violence and don’t think of ourselves as the kind of people who ever would, we need to be willing to notice the ways our words can reflect and reinforce patterns of violence.

Radical Respect is a weekly newsletter I am publishing on LinkedIn to highlight some of the things that get in the way of creating a collaborative, respectful working environment. A healthy organization is not merely an absence of unpleasant symptoms. Creating a just working environment is about eliminating bad behavior and reinforcing collaborative, respectful behavior. Each week I'll offer tips on how to do that so you can create a workplace where everyone feels supported and respected. Learn more in my new book Radical Respect, available wherever books are sold! You can also follow Radical Candor® and the Radical Candor Podcast more tips about building better relationships at work.