I Don't Say No to My Children - Here is Why It Works, Plus 5 More Parenting Word-Swaps

I recently read an article claiming that if your children dislike you, it is a sign you are a good parent. Parents must flex power to keeps in line; they don't like this, or you, and that's the goal.

By these standards, I am doing something really wrong. My children are happy almost all the time, I can count on one hand the times I have flexed power, and the whole family genuinely gets along, as my former husband would say, like peas and carrots.

In case you'd like to be a bad* parent, too, I am sharing a few magical parenting word-swaps that I use to keep peace at home. I am not a parenting expert - but I do have a unique combination of experience that lends itself well to the task: I studied developmental psychology, was raised by a preschool teacher, spent 15 years as a divorce mediator and conflict resolution specialist, and, before that, worked with abused and neglected children. Here is why I do not say no, what say instead, plus more simple word swaps I use to cultivate my children's independence, empowerment, security and resiliency.

There are two times we say no - one is directive (No, don't do that!), the other is contradictive (No, it didn't happen that way).

Swap the directive no (or don't, or stop) for softer words or questions:

Wait; hold on; is that allowed?; pause for a second!; look at me; freeze your body; good choice?; what do you think I will say?; is that safe? What is the rule? I need ____; Can you _____? Also, saying a child's name is a great swap for no, as people naturally pause when they hear their name.

Little one: *running down stairs*

Instead of: NO DON'T RUN DOWN THE STAIRS (I've done it. It happens)

Try one of these: Wait! Pause your body. Is running on stairs allowed? Is that safe? What is the rule about stairs in this house? Can you walk down the stairs? Spencer - are you running?

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Little one: *interrupts your Zoom call for the third time*

Instead of: STOP INTERRUPTING ME WHILE I AM WORKING (I've done that, too)

Try one of these: Can you see I am working? I need time to work right now. What is the rule about work time? Freeze. Is it a good idea for you to be in here? Walk out of the room. I'll be with you soon.

**

Swap the contradictive no (or you can't, or you're wrong) for words that validate or lend to thinking:

Actually; that might be true, but...; it might feel that way, but; I can understand why you would think that; instead; thank you, but; we are not/you may not; another time; yes, and...; let me think.

Little one: Can I have candy before dinner?

Instead of: No! Of course you can't! No candy allowed before dinner!

Try: Hmm, is that a good choice? Is candy allowed before dinner? I wish I could give you candy before dinner, but then you won't be hungry for dinner! What do you think my answer is? You may not have candy right this minute. You can have candy after dinner - would you like to pick one out now?

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Little one: You said we were going to the park!

Instead of: No I didn't. I never said that. That's not true.

Try: Actually, I said... I know you'd like to go to the park, and I wish we could! Maybe you heard that, but what I was saying was...Instead of the park, we can either go for a walk, or ride your bike - what would you like? I would love to go to the park, and we'd be there right now if it wasn't raining! What can we do other than the park?

(N.B., I have tried, "the park is closed," which was followed by, "then why can I see kids there?" to which I had to respond, "the park got sprayed with pesticides, and I guess those parents don't care about their kids," and that did work, but it really only works once.)

Does it seem like saying no is the fastest way to shut your child down? To stop bad behavior? To move on your with your day? That's correct. There are times when that is all the time or the bandwidth you have. But - usually you do have twenty seconds, and when you do, if you employ these word swaps instead of a blanket no, you will find that your child starts to resist you less, think for themselves more, guide their own behavior choices, develop a less contrary temperament, and, to the horror of the authors who wrote that one article, maybe even like you more.

Challenge yourself to stop saying no to your children, your employees and clients, your significant other. The benefits of extinguishing no extend into every relationship.

Bonus swaps! For fun, here are five more word-swaps that I use nearly every day with my littles:

Swap: Do I have to separate you? With: Do you need a break?

Swap: Calm yourself down; stop crying! With: I want to help you, but I don't understand you when you are crying.

Swap: Use your indoor voice! With: Can you lower your voice for me?

Swap: It's time to... With: Would you like two, or three, more minutes?

Swap: You're making a big deal of nothing. With: This seems like a big deal to you.

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What parenting word swaps keep your littles happy, secure, calm, and cooperative? I'd love to know!

Once you start seeing the positive changes from language swaps, you will begin to look at words you use in every context. Language has power. Wield it wisely.

*Disclaimer - I'm a parent working in #tegaltech, not in developmental psychology. I'm giving you some parent-to-parent information here (because we all need a little help, and can you picture anything more helpful to parenting than spending tens of thousands of hours divorcing people?). See your ped, your therapist, and your children's teacher if you have true behavioral concerns.

Erika Englund is a family law attorney-mediator-strategist, amateur disruptor, and believer in positive, productive, affordable & efficient divorce. She's a legaltech evangelist, because she hates justice gaps, a former law school professor, a professional speaker and continuing education provider, and a happy co-parent (usually; she's not perfect) of two young children in Northern California. She wants you to know that this isn't legal advice.