The Importance Of Building Self-Esteem In Little Boys

Fragmented boys become broken men. In our society, the conversations surrounding building self-esteem, or lack thereof, tend to focus on the impossible expectations of beauty, purity, and behavior imposed on women. This major emphasis on the female struggle has led to the minimization of men who also struggle with similar issues of self-esteem. Self-confidence is something that boys are expected to develop at a young age, despite having limited guidance and few outlets to express their emotions.

 According to Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair, a clinical psychologist and school consultant, many schools have overpopulated classrooms and offer inadequate break times for the students. This can make it difficult for boys to wait for their turn, which often leads them to shout out answers and raise their voices. These outbursts are seen as a disruption and the boy is likely to be criticized for it, which harms their self-esteem. In addition, this can quickly diminish their enjoyment of learning and academics as they begin to connect those emotions to the acts of learning how to read, do math, and learn.

 Dr. Michael Thompson, PhD and co-author of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys agrees that shaming young boys causes them to convert their shame into anger, thus resulting in those same boys expressing sentiments of hatred toward academics, perhaps saying things like, “I hate this, I hate reading!” In reality, this phrase may translate to, ‘I am ashamed that I can’t read better’. This cycle can quickly turn into apathy towards academia and distancing themselves from school and learning altogether. In my own experience as a budding 7th grader, I remember trying my best at math until my teacher yelled at me in front of the entire class“ Why do you even show up to class I don’t even like you.” In a few words, she crushed me. And set up an internal system of self-hatred and insecurity that would plague me for the rest of my life. In retrospect, I understand that she may have not had the skills or capacity to assist me. To prevent the next generation of learners from experiencing these types of traumas here is what you can do to help.

How to Help:

-      Provide encouragement and allow them to learn how to trust in themselves and their abilities. Present simple challenges for them to work through to build their problem-solving skills; these tasks can be as simple as making their own food or packing their own lunch for school so they learn to trust in their ability to succeed on their own.

-      Teach boys to avoid comparing themselves to others by reframing the way they think about their strengths and weaknesses; having different strengths and weaknesses does not make someone better or worse than anyone else. Remind them that there are differences in abilities and talents which are unique to each individual.

-      Observe their media consumption and give reality checks as needed. Help them understand how to filter the information they consume by teaching them that the men they see on television and social media are not the norm, so they don’t feel compelled to live up to unrealistic standards of beauty or success.

-      Introduce a wide variety of role models into their lives. Rather than simply having a stereotypical “manly”, action hero be the sole role model, open their eyes to the many other possibilities for role models, including doctors, artists, chefs, musicians, and teachers. Demonstrate that there are many skills and talents that exist and are all worthy of respect, despite not lining up with the traditional societal view of masculinity.

-      Allow them to be open about their feelings; make time for them and teach them their words and emotions are valid and important. Normalize crying and expressing feelings in a healthy way without shame. Encourage friendships with a variety of people to diversify their perspective and view of the world.

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