The importance of keeping your cool in negotiations

A few weeks ago, I was invited to interview for a very interesting job in Abu Dhabi. I have been to Abu Dhabi a few times and welcomed the idea of relocating to the peaceful and beautiful emirate in the Arabian Gulf. And, it's a job that I could do standing on my head. Typically, it took a few weeks to arrange the first and second interviews. The first interview went without a hitch. The second interview was a disaster because the interviewer sabotaged me presumably to put his friend or cousin in the job. I want to use the experience as a teaching moment.

There were several warning signs that put me on alert that the second interview was not going to go well. And these warning signs came because they are negotiation tricks that negotiators use to destabilize their counterparts - although this was an interview, not a negotiation.

First, the interviewer wanted to reschedule the already early interview (it was scheduled for 8:30 a.m.) for 7:30 a.m. He tried to do it overnight while I was asleep.

Secondly, he invited me to tell him about myself and then he rudely interrupted me and started lobbing unrelated academic questions at me that I was completely unprepared for because I have never been in an interview in which I was asked detailed questions - when you're working, you have your books around you - not everyone has a photographic memory. So it was unreasonable to ask such questions.

Thirdly, he didn't ask about my experience, which is substantial in the field of technology and especially satellites.

Finally, he didn't tell me about the job for which I was interviewing.

The whole thing lasted less than 5 minutes, he hopped on, asked me stupid questions rudely, and then got off. During the interview, I had to bite my tongue not to scold him for running the interview so poorly and unprofessionally. But I was aware during the interview that I was being ambushed by an asshole and I had to decide on the spot how to handle it. I decided to be nice and not click off of the Zoom call, which is what my intuition was nagging me to do.

But there are a few lessons here and these lessons apply to all negotiations, whether for a job or in contractual negotiations:

1. Find out first. Always ask with whom you are interviewing and, if possible, ask around about him/her. If I had known the interviewer, I might have found out in advance that he runs stupid, unprofessional interviews and is unreasonable and rude.
2. Don't be too eager. I was being too nice when I agreed to a time-change of an hour earlier. I should have listened to my intuition and asked them to reschedule it for the next week but not the anti-social time of 7:30 a.m. as a "last minute change request." I should have seen it was a power play and rejected the request. Of course, a normal change request done in advance is not unreasonable.
3. Don't lose your cool. Even when a counterpart is trying to bait you, losing your cool will only backfire on you.
4. Be nice. Even when your counterpart is being rude and aggressive, be nice. You can be assertive and still be charming.
5. Make an exit. In reviewing how I might have handled the fiasco of an "interview" better while maintaining my dignity would be to say something like, "This is not an interview. Thank you for your time." And then leave.

I would be lying if I said I was not upset about how this interview went. Even the HR guy was embarrassed and flummoxed. I knew that the job was already earmarked for the interviewer's friend or cousin. And he sabotaged me on purpose. But once I got over my annoyance, I realized that this was a blessing in disguise - I would not want to work with such an asshole anyway and I wrote to the HR guy and gave my feedback to him even though it was obvious I wasn't getting anywhere with this company. And this is a lesson to myself and hopefully you - in the course of your contractual negotiations with people, be nice. You can be an effective negotiator and still be polite and gracious.

What do you think? What kind of "less than perfect" interview and contract negotiation experiences have you had? How would you have handled this situation? What would you have done or said differently, if anything?