Incarcerated By The Bars Within

Incarcerated by the bars within, I said. This morning, that was my first thought as I scrolled through FaceBook while drinking my green tea, trying to wake up. On my FaceBook feed, my memories popped up and there was a picture of me pulling chaplain duty at the local prison with the caption I wrote “The sad thing about prison ministry is that many are imprisoned by their thinking, and not the bars that hold them.” That got me to thinking about my practice.

The truth is that many of my clients land in my office due to the mindset that they carry. Moreover, their mindset is outdated, yet still plays an active role on how they live their life. How many of us are living with words that were spoken that no longer pertain to us? I like to give the example of my 6th grade teacher who told me that I was a failure. Those words stuck with me as I entered middle school and again into high school. It wasn’t until my late teens that something clicked, and I then thirsted for knowledge. My point being that had I stayed imprisoned by his words that I was a failure, I would have never invested so heavily in my education. Those words held me captive for far too many years.

What are you holding onto that no longer is relevant? Better question, what are you holding onto that was never relevant? I’m not mad at my 6th grade teacher. Granted there are better and more effective ways to inspire a student. But, what do we believe, and what do we own, that is simply not true?

I see this play out in relationship coaching all the time. We hold onto bad break-ups and use them as an excuse to stay stuck. It is safer for us to accept the role of victim, than to put in the work to become a victor. We settle, struggle and keep quiet on the important issues. And that is not a relationship that is healthy. And the longer that this pattern is repeated, the more damaging to our self worth in the long run.

When doing chaplain work in the prison, I try my best to take note of the internal script and self talk that my clients have. They have been beaten down, institutionalized, abandoned and in many cases talked to like they’re less than human. I am not excusing their behavior or crimes. I simply recognize the vicious cycle of hearing damaging words.

Going back to relationship coaching, it is no wonder so many people have the same relationship over and over, only with different people. They attract the same type of person. How we feel about ourselves is reflected back to us by our partners.

It is time to break the patterns. It is time to discard the negative thinking. It is time to say good bye to the bullshit that we carry around. Because if we are to have any shot of happiness the future, we can no longer be incarcerated by the bars within.