It's OK to be Afraid

When I moved from New Jersey to San Diego 10 years ago, I did so with some guilt. My maternal grandmother, the matriarch of our family was in her late 70's and I was the primary grandchild that went to visit and call her. In fact I called her every day because she was/is my 'Mom Mom' and I love her. I was worried about if anything were to happen and I could not be there.

She shrugged it off only wanting what was best for me like any amazing family member would.

Not three years had gone by when I found out she had cancer. I struggled with guilt that I bottled up inside, afraid to speak it out loud, not wanting my guilt to overshadow the care that she needed.

Two years after after her diagnosis, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with her second bout of breast cancer. Her son having moved out of state, my wife and I were the only family she had locally.

Once again, I was afraid. My wife had told me about her mom getting breast cancer when she was 40 and how horrible it was, now it was back.

For the next few months, twice a week I would drive my MIL to the infusion center to get Red Devil, something she fiercely hated. I would sit next to her doing my work, but more often than not thinking about my grandmother.

There were times that I desperately wanted and really needed to break down, overwhelmed and scared by the events unfolding in front of me and not knowing how I could take care of both of them, plus do my work plus be emotional support for my mother and wife.

All that kept me going was knowing that the people I loved most in the world needed me to be the best version of myself for them and I could not let them down.

I refused to them them down. I can't tell you my work didn't suffer because it did. My energy was spent elsewhere. I also can not tell you that my dogs went on as many walks as they should have. I was constantly out of energy. But things gone done.

The day we had planned a celebration of the end of my mother-in-laws chemo, I got a call that Mom Mom had passed away. I still went to the celebration, knowing that my mother in law wanted me there and I wanted to be there despite how hard it was.

In regards to my grandmother, I am very grateful because about a month prior, work called me in and I flew cross country. It was close enough that I got to be there to help with Mom Mom, I got to be there to say goodbye. We spent one last holiday as a family, having 'Break Fast' in a communal area of the hospital.

I am happy to report my mother in law is doing well now.

But my wife is now 35, five years younger than my mother-in-law was, when she first got breast cancer...so once again I am afraid. What happens if she gets sick? What happens if I need to take care of my children, my wife and my mother in law? Will work understand? Can I still help those that rely on me?

The thought of losing my wife again...the first time was scary enough.

This newsletter is called 'The Honest Recruiter.' I do not think I need to explain how or why I am being honest with all of you about this. This is real life. This is what people both with and without jobs go through every single damn day. But how often is it spoken about?

How often do we open up about the REAL struggles and fears we are faced with? Or a better question might be, why do we not talk about it more?

I get that it is hard for us to be vulnerable. I grasp the notion of stoicism. I can see how some might think being 'strong and silent' is what is best for everyone.

But...you know what being 'strong and silent' did to me?

After Mom Moms death, after my MIL got better, after my wife got pregnant, went through that hellish pregnancy that left us with my two perfect angels, Brooklynn and Hayley...AFTER all that I wound up with male postpartum depression and severe burnout.

In conclusion, if you have gotten to this point in the article, all I ask is one thing...if you don't feel comfortable being honest with others about what you are going through, at least be honest with yourself. That is the first step to recovery.

**This article is dedicated to my grandmother, Bernice Roth. The one person in my life that always accepted me for me and taught me the importance of humility.