It's time we had that uncomfortable conversation about coffee mugs.

Coffee mugs are failures. All except one and we'll get to that in a bit.

To fully enjoy coffee, to me anyway, is for it to be the exact right temperature for the whole cup. Too hot and you have to wait or sue McDonalds. Too cold and why bother. Tepid is just that.

So when you look at all the coffee mugs you've ever encountered at home, in cafes, those paper and plastic abominations you walk around with on the street, they're all miserable failures.

Visualize the classic coffee shop (god, how I love classic coffee shops) mug. It's kinda white, not very large, has a handle that fits two, maybe three fingers. It's a bit worn and thick and the first few sips are too hot but the third is about perfect. It feels good in your hand because having a cup of coffee in a real coffee shop means breakfast and what's better than going out to breakfast.

But really, the mug is a failure.

It's too small, and the window of coffee temperature perfection is short. In a great coffee shop, a joyous, life-giving server moseys by with a hot pot of coffee and magically tops you off and says something pithy that makes you smile and feel welcome.

I need a moment here...

But that's the perfect scenario and rarely do we get to start our day in that kind of nirvana.

For me, being the self-employed type who has the pleasure of enjoying my coffee at home every morning as the sun comes up through the trees and the cat keeps trying to sneak into my lap; it's a different thing altogether. And it's taken me years to finally embrace what I contend is the perfect coffee mug.

The Kodi Stainless Steel By HEB Blah Blah Blah.

Lousy name, but ohhh, how this beast changes everything.

First off, it's a weapon. It's a solid pound or more of thick, brushed stainless steel. CyberTruck, step aside with your finger chopping hard edges. This beautiful piece of stainless is solid, sculptural, modern art with a majestic presence.

And it keeps your coffee fucking hot. Exactly hot. For as long as it takes to savor its 16 ounces of morning joy.

The handle is thick, stainless, and perfectly welded to the thick, hollow body. The curves and quarter-inch thickness and wide opening fit four of my big fingers. The flat top is begging for my thumb. When I pick this damned thing up, I know I'm holding something substantial that matters. And with a pound of coffee in a heavy stainless pound cup, well now you've got two pounds of steel in your hand.

It's kind of like holding a petanque boulle, except for breakfast.

It just feels right.

And the clear, heavy plastic lid that doesn't need to screw on, but has a well designed black plastic gasket holds tight to the inside of the mug. I've had these mugs for several years and never has it spilled a drop. The only failure is the sliding cover for the sip opening. It's thick and substancial, but the little arms that hold it in place tend to break. That's why HEB sells four packs of new sliding thingies. One would hope that someone would reengineer this piece, but then the whole apparatus would attain absolute perfection, and humankind can just quietly slip away, knowing it can attain no better.

Yeah, YETI is headquartered here in Austin, and this Kodi mug is probably a knockoff idea from them, but honestly, YETI, from what I've seen, you haven't matched this yet, and I don't have to mortgage my soul for the Kodi.

And you can't have one in New York or Paris or Montana or California or Guam.

They won't ship you one.

You have to go to an HEB supermarket and pick it up and pay for it and take it home.

And HEB is only in Texas.

So if you're in New York or Paris or Montana or California or Guam, you're shit outta luck, unless you're a good friend or client of mine and I'll ship you one.

And I have shipped them all over the country to good friends and clients. So if you're reading this at breakfast and you're a good friend or client, you've probably got a mug in your hand.

I've even given it several nicknames. Viking War Mug, Viking Breakfast Mug of Doom ad nauseam. I'm not sure why but Viking something-or-other just seems to fit. The handle is big (I'm a big guy and I can never find a mug that fits my hand, till now). I imagined an expensive photoshoot with big gnarly-ass Vikings toasting high with their hot coffee and roast breakfast beast and big swords just before sailing off to battle.

My thinking is that if you suddenly find yourself in an altercation during breakfast, you've got a two-pound steel weapon in your hand to smite enemies.

So this is probably more about coffee mugs than you've ever cared to read if you got this far. If you did, congratulations on your stamina. If I'm a good writer and you're not in Texas, you're unhappy because you can't have one of these wonders of coffee holding.

But there's hope. Call me and if we're friends, I'll send you one. Or hire me for a lot of money (or even a little) and I'll put one in the mail for you.

Oh, and one last thing. They come in several colors, a great dark green, white, black and a boring dark blue, but don't bother. The paint will eventually chip and the beautiful stainless steel will peek through. Just get the stainless. It'll be an industrial breakfast wonder for the rest of your life. That's why I got inspired to write this today. I've had a dark green Viking Breakfast Mug of Doom for years and the paint is peeling and while grocery shopping yesterday, I stood in front of the Kodi aisle and lusted after the big stainless and unpainted beauty for a few moments and said to myself, fuck it. Buy the mug. And I did. And I washed it this morning and filled it full of hot French Roast coffee and it was such a thing of beauty that I put it on the huge pecan table as the morning light came in through the wall of windows and photographed it a dozen different ways and sat down with a cat sneaking into my lap and wrote this.

Now I suppose I should go do something useful. Or make another pot of coffee.