Keeping an Abundance Mindset - an Interview with Therapist Mary Donovan, MA, LMFT

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For the Chinese translation, follow the link here: Keeping an Abundance Mindset

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Let's face it, many of us thought we would be back to our game nights, hanging with family and friends, and strolling our local Targets a month ago but instead, we are faced with increased lay-offs, figuring out how unemployment works, and fatigue from the stress of working from home or a continued job search in an increasingly small pool of available work.

A gracious friend of mine and a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist agreed to an interview to discuss ways we can keep an Abundance Mindset when the times look bleak. Here is a transcript of our interview below.

At the end of this article, you will find resources for free video-counseling through Couple & Family Therapy Center at Pacific Lutheran University. Please reach out via the provided contact information.

(Interview begins)

Kip: Thank you again, Mary, for agreeing to this interview. Can you please share a bit about yourself and your work for our readers?

Mary: Thanks Kip! Happy to be here. As a Marriage & Family Therapist, what makes my style of therapy unique is the specific focus on the “systems” at play in a person’s life. That means I’m not only looking at what is going on inside a person’s mind that is shaping their reality but give equal consideration the context, relationships, and cultural influences that all greatly impact their holistic well-being. Often, it’s these systemic influences that create the very messages we carry that are so destructive to how we view ourselves and our world, and more often than not, block our path forward towards positive change. So, it’s very important to consider these ideas to help folks create positive change in their lives.

Kip: Thank you, Mary. In our talks leading up to this interview, you have described to me the concept of keeping "an abundance mindset," can you please share what you mean with our readers?

Mary: Absolutely! I love this concept of an abundance mindset versus a scarcity mindset because I think it’s a really helpful tool to help people use their brain to their advantage – whether it’s being applied to general life challenges or specific ones, like looking to land that job in a time of crisis.

"Abundant-style thinking helps us to focus on what we do have and what the possibilities are – it is a lens of hope that helps us see our best selves and what could be."

The basic idea is that abundant-style thinking helps us to focus on what we do have and what the possibilities are – it is a lens of hope that helps us see our best selves and what could be. It is creating a dream based on our own potential and daring to believe that it’s possible, even if the path forward is not super clear yet. Scarcity-style thinking is the opposite of that – the idea that there isn’t and might not ever be “enough” – or worse yet, that we might never be enough to deserve access to those things even if we can see that they do exist. Scarcity is all about limiting your thoughts and yourself, and it is weighted down with negativity. Scarcity-style thoughts are often the source of our insecurities and create fear in our lives. And that’s where things get tricky because our brains like to keep us safe – it’s one of its basic functions – and when we’re scared, that triggers our protective systems into play. And while this sounds all well and good – who doesn’t want to stay safe? – in actuality, this can take our rational thinking part of our brain offline and turn on our fight or flight system. This means we’re not grounded and able to think clearly and calmly, and we cannot access our best selves until we’re out of this mode.

Kip: I can imagine a lot of people, including myself, have fallen into this scarcity-mindset during this time of self-isolation. Personally, I've relied heavily on taking walks with my dog and completing house chores in order to have a sense of control over my surroundings, which reminds me of the good in my life. I suppose in a way I have been practicing an abundance mindset through these simple chores.

Mary: It certainly sounds like you have! This is especially important in times of frequent or constant stress – kind of like, oh, I don’t know, Coronavirus lockdown 2020?

Kip: Haha, right!

"Abundance helps us truthfully see our strengths, build hope and possibility, and increases our chances of success."

Mary: If you’re like most of us, this is a stressful time for a multitude of reasons. And if you’re looking for employment on top of this, even more so. That means scarcity-style thinking is just primed to get into your brain and ruin your day. We’ve all been there. It’s normal. But it’s not helpful. Scarcity won’t help you be your best self, ever, and especially not when you’re completing tasks with added pressure like applying for jobs or interviewing. It’s much more likely to create a self-fulfilling prophecy, as the scarcity-style thoughts seep into our language and behavior. We tend to communicate outwardly how we are feeling, either verbally or non-verbally, and if we’re projecting scarcity and fear, it’s likely only to hurt our chances of success. Abundance, on the other hand, helps us truthfully see our strengths, build hope and possibility, and increases our chances of success. Plus, it feels a whole lot better to use this mindset! A win-win, in my opinion.

Kip: So, if someone wants to work on having an abundance-mindset, what strategies would you suggest to help build on that?

Mary: Abundance-style thinking takes practice, especially if you’ve been living in scarcity. If you’d like to improve here, start by taking a few minutes each day to focus on your strengths and what you hope for in your future. Cultivate a daily routine around gratitude that feels genuine for you; what is just one thing you’re truly happy you do have, either in your life or about yourself? This sounds simple, but there is a lot of research on how a gratitude practice can be super helpful in changing the way we think and see the world. Also, when scarcity sneaks in, as it does, just work on noticing it and intentionally shifting your thoughts back towards an abundance lens. Our language and inner monologue impact our reality so much, so this small practice can really pay off.

Kip: Great advice, Mary. We have all faced rejection and some of us more-so now that job hunting has seen greater competition with fewer roles available. Can you share your thoughts on dealing with rejection?

"A job does not tell the whole story of you or your abilities."

Mary: Absolutely. Feelings of rejection are always difficult. What makes them nearly impossible to manage is when we take that external experience and apply it to our internal sense of self. For example, “I didn’t get this job, therefore there must be something wrong with me.” Another example might be the implied rejection many feel when sending out countless resumes, never to hear back. Feelings of rejection can hit our core sense of self-worth when we allow it to. We receive many messages each day of our lives, from many sources, and we must become decerning customers about the messages we take inside and choose to believe. Whether you get a job or don’t, you’re the same you on the inside. The same you will always be worthy, capable, and deserving. A job does not tell the whole story of you or your abilities.

Know your worth and know it may take some time to find a job that’s the right fit. Just because it hasn’t happened yet, doesn’t mean you won’t find it. As a society, we tend to focus on the “end result” as what matters most, and sometimes overlook the important steps along the way that signify positive progress. Each time you apply for a job, work on your resume, network, or otherwise work towards the final goal, you are taking positive steps. Don’t discount your progress just because you haven’t reached the final goal yet. Give yourself props for the hard work you have already put in!

Kip: I like that a lot, “A job does not tell the whole story of you or your abilities.” Preach it from the rooftops!

Mary: I think the power dynamic people feel when going in for a job, especially when you really want or need the job, can be difficult to navigate. That perceived hierarchy and the implicit message to “prove yourself” in the application and interview process doesn’t usually bring out the best in people. When we feel on the spot, many people tend to feel defensive and shut down – an easy road back to that scarcity-style thinking. Yes, you may want or really need this job – and – that does not discount your strengths, skills, and what you have to offer as well. The more you can hold this space for yourself, the more likely you are to get a positive outcome because you are more likely to demonstrate your worth. Try to remember that a great job is a two-way street - it’s not just about what you can do for the company, but what they can do for you. Define for yourself beforehand what you want from a company – what is important to you? What supports help you to be the best at what you do? Thinking about what you want from the company beforehand will help you decide what jobs are worth your time to look into, and also prepare you to ask about these items when you’re interviewing. Asking helps you determine if a job is for you, shows the company you’re invested and serious, and w

ill help you land a job that will feel great once you’re in it.

Kip: Excellent points, thank you for sharing. With everything that's going on, it's important to find new ways of relieving stress and staying mentally sane. I've recently picked up the app, Headspace, and have recently tried meditating which I’ve found very helpful. Do you have any further thoughts you'd like to share for our readers in regard to staying mentally fit during this pandemic?

Mary: Yes, Headspace is great! Calm is another great mindfulness app that can help with guided meditations. Mindfulness practice helps us stay in the present moment, rather than jumping on the “what if” train to the future or past, which in times of stress, might lead to increased anxious or down thoughts. Mindfulness also helps bring greater awareness to our thoughts, develop insight on what is circulating in our self-narrative, and possibly most importantly, cultivate a non-judgmental stance towards yourself and your thoughts, which is a much more productive lens to create positive change in your life.

Kip: Do you have any additional strategies you'd like to share?

Mary: You know I do! Here are some additional ideas that might work for you:

• Gratefulness. Developing a routine around being grateful, as we touched on earlier, is another great skill for self-care.
• Get outside, safely. I also recommend getting outside at least once a day, especially if that means you can get out for a walk or some exercise safely.
• Routine. Try to keep up a routine as much as possible. This routine might look very different than pre-COVID times, but that doesn’t mean you can’t add some structure to your life. It will help you be effective on those items you need to be productive on, and add some control back into your day-to-day life. In this routine, it’s a great idea to make sure you’re getting proper sleep, and be intentional about sleeping mostly at night, not too much during the day. Try to eat healthy foods that help you feel good. Shower every day and get dressed for the day – even if it’s very casually – PJs all day every day might sound good in theory, but it usually doesn’t play out super well for our mental health.
• Exercise. And, very importantly, exercise (and add it into your routine!). If you don’t have gym equipment, no problem – there is a veritable cornucopia of YouTube videos on workouts you can do at home. Yoga, dance, body-weight movements. Go at your own pace and meet yourself where you’re at. Consistent exercise won’t “cure” your stressors, anxiety, or depression, or make COVID go away, but it certainly will help you feel better and improve your ability to manage these challenges.
• Connect. Make time to connect with important people in your life. Call or video chat, make plans for virtual “get-togethers” on a consistent basis. Especially if you’ve been feeling isolated, this is very important. As humans, we’re hard-wired for connection with others, and our relationships play an important role in our happiness. This need stays the same during a lockdown, we just have to be creative about how we go about meeting that need.
• Create & have fun. If you already have some creative hobbies, great! Check-in with yourself to see if you’ve been using them lately. Sometimes when we have more time and are simultaneously more stressed, our creative efforts fall off. Creativity and art are very important for our brains and will help you to reduce stress. Don’t have a hobby off the top of your head? Do some quick research online, or poll friends for ideas. It doesn’t have to be big, and it doesn’t have to be perfect. Just choose something you’re interested in that you think you’ll enjoy, and give it a go!
• Boundaries. Make work boundaries that work for you and hold them. If you’re currently working, or if your current work is the job search, it’s important to be intentional about creating “workspace” and “rest space.” Recharging and time away from what you’re working on are so important to you being able to do your best work and be your best self. If you work and play in the same space (i.e., your computer, desk, living room…), create a routine at the end of your work time that symbolizes the changeover – this could be closing out all work programs and taking a walk. Or play an “end of work song” when you’re done for the day – whatever works for you. Since work and home are the same now, making a mental model of separateness needs to be more intentional, or you’ll find yourself still doing work things at 10 pm, and feeling more drained than ever.

Mary: Hopefully, these ideas will get you started. Knowing and using activities that take your stress levels down a notch and keep you calm will serve you well in life, as well as the next job search.

"Part of managing well during this time as a parent is adjusting our expectations of our kids to match the situation."

Kip: I’ve worked with a few candidates now that have been personally impacted by lay-off or furloughed due to Covid-19. Most of them are at home with their children. Do you have any advice on how to maintain healthy boundaries with your children during quarantine?

Mary: Yes, this has been really hard for a lot of families. There is no perfect solution here, as so many resources are taken out of the equation with the stay-home measures, but hopefully, there are some things that can help. Firstly, as adults, we feel the stress and uncertainty of this time, and our children are feeling that too. They just have fewer resources and less resilience than most adults to manage these feelings. So, they might be very desirous of their parent’s time, attention, and reassurance. Part of managing well during this time as a parent is adjusting our expectations of our kids to match the situation. If we have the expectation that they’re emotional needs remain the same as pre-COVID, we might struggle more to adapt the parenting skills to match the moment.

Secondly, personal space and boundaries are important skills for everyone to learn. Kids learn most by what is modeled to them by their caregivers. So, the more parents can model reducing stress, and have conversations with their children about the importance of quiet time in kind ways can really help kids. Explain that quiet time is something everyone needs for themselves sometimes, and see if your child is willing to help you with that. If you have young children, use your child’s toys as a way to roleplay these conversations / your expectations during “quiet time” so they can understand. Put them “in charge” of quiet time to get their buy-in, or set a reward for them to work towards. Help them gather toys and resources to help keep them busy during those breaks. Write or draw out the schedule – if you’re expecting them to hold the information in their minds, most kids will forget. Rather than making the conversation punitive, try making it into a collaboration or a game where the child is included. Make it about your family working together against these challenges. Kids learn and thrive in play, and are much more likely to be successful in this medium. Plus, it’s more fun as an adult to go about setting boundaries this way as well!

Lastly, if there is another adult in the home, it’s important to have a trade of schedules so you can support each other having a true break. This is going to vary a lot from home to home, but if it’s possible, it’s definitely something that can help.

Kip: Any thoughts on staying productive with children in the home?

Mary: What we talked about before I think is really important here, too. When you’re setting “quiet time” or “meeting time” boundaries and teaching your kids what this new reality looks like, recognize this will take practice and time to adjust to – for parents and kids alike. Be gentle with yourself. This is a time of significantly increased stress for most, and your productivity will just not look the same as it would in “normal” life. That doesn’t mean you can’t be successful, but it does mean that you will likely need to adjust expectations on yourself and redefine what “successful” looks like in COVID times. You’re just one person, and you can only do so much at once.

Take a look at a typical day currently, and assess where your kids will be most likely to do well with quiet time or spend some time immersed in some entertainment – try to plan your time strategically to get your most important items done at those times. If there is more than one parent in the home, trading on and off shifts with the kids will help some. If you find you need to shift your work schedule to later in the evening after bedtime, be intentional about not trying to work all through the day as well, and taking time “off” to recharge during the day if work is being pushed to the evening.

Kip: Thank you, Mary, for all of this great advice. Before we wrap up, what has been your favorite activity during this quarantine?

Mary: Hmm…like most of us I think - given the lack of flour on the shelves at most supermarkets - I’ve really been enjoying baking. I also love being able to get outside more during the day than I typically can do and have more quality time with my husband. Even with all the safety measures, social distancing, and masks, it’s great to enjoy a short afternoon walk as a break!

Kip: Thank you, Mary, for taking the time to speak with me today. Stay safe, stay healthy, and I will talk with you soon!

(Interview end)

Mary Donovan, MA, LMFT is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Redmond, Washington, and is the owner and therapist at Nurturing Growth Therapy PLLC. She is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and EMDR clinician. She has a special interest in working alongside women to help them navigate life stressors and to feel and be their preferred selves. Mary works with clients around life transitions, career challenges, anxiety, depression, grief, trauma, and family of origin dynamics, among other issues. Mary also has extensive experience working with children (6+), teens, and families, especially around transitions in the family unit such as divorce, separation from a loved one, grief and loss, and challenging family dynamics. Mary enjoys working with couples to help resolve their challenges, get “unstuck” and build meaningful relationships.

For further information on Mary Donovan, MA, LMFT, please visit Nurturinggrowththerapy.com.

Kip Brookbank, B.A. in Fine Arts, is a Technical Recruiter with Amazon based in Seattle, Washington. He has an interest in helping candidates get placed in their dream roles, supporting the LGTBQIA+ community, and assisting where he can.

Need more support?

Couple & Family Therapy Center at Pacific Lutheran University

For those needing more support during this time, but unable to afford counseling, please look into the Couple & Family Therapy Center at Pacific Lutheran University. They serve individuals, couples, and families around a variety of issues. The clinic is part of the well-known graduate school training program for the Marriage & Family Therapy Program and is generously offering therapy free of charge at this time to help meet the need of the community. All sessions are being offered as telehealth (video sessions or phone). Please note, the clinic is only able to offer therapy to residents of Washington State at this time. If interested, please reach out to the clinic directly at (253) 535-8782, and they will get back to you shortly. You can also check out their website: https://www.plu.edu/mft/the-couple-and-family-center

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