Key Leadership | The Rule Of Four: A Lesson on EQ

We are going to get right into this important lesson on both Conflict Resolution and Emotional Intelligence. You will see why as you read on towards the end.

Number One: You must realize that if you are breathing you have problems.

In fact, everyone that is breathing has problems. Nobody has an absolutely perfect life. This is vital to the process of understanding Emotional Intelligence. This statement of fact, like all statements of fact are not meant to be simply read-- they are meant to be applied.

Right out of the box if you want to deal with issues like a professional and get better results in your life start by developing the internal mission in your heart and mind that EVERYBODY HAS PROBLEMS.

Number Two: You must realize that everyone has a "pet peeve" or "hot button issue" in their life.

This is getting more personal. What is a hot button issue? I would clearly define it as any thing that you look, hear, smell, feel that triggers a response in your mind that says, "That isn't right!"

I remember sitting in a meeting with several good men, two of them were my close friends and the other three men in the room were new acquaintances for the three of us. I remember hearing one of the men at the table say something and instantly I looked over at my friend and his neck was red from what looked like pure fury after what the other man had said that was so wrong in his mind.

You've been there. Whether it is the toothpaste being squeezed in the middle of the tube, the way someone dresses, or someone coming to you saying that you aren't working hard or even worse someone using strong words like "useless" when describing you!

These and so many other examples put us in very uncomfortable positions often throughout our day. Everybody has these "hot button issues" in their life. Its unwise to go ask everybody you encounter what their hot button issue is, but usually if you have pushed the hot button, then you will know it!

In brief review, Do you realize that everyone has problems in their life? and are you willing to recognize that everyone has a hot button or pet peeve? If you can recognize these two practical principles then you are well on your way to advancing through the process of understanding Emotional Intelligence.

Number Three: You must begin with the end in mind.

Knowing the first two principles you need to now look at your life and realize what happens when your "hot button" is pushed. What is your most common reaction? Do you throw things at walls? Do you yell at someone? Do you go sit in a closet and cry? Identify it. What is your common reaction when your hot button is pushed?

Knowing what it is that sets you off emotionally is vital to ensuring you are maintaining emotional intelligence when an issue arises.

Number Four: You must make every effort to see it from their perspective.

Lets take a peek at a scenario happening in the office of a construction company.

The Project Manager has successfully built some of the most amazing structures with his finger print on them in the city. He has spent hundreds and hundreds of hours collaborating with the field staff, the office staff, sub contractors, upper management, owners and so many other people just to make this project an absolute success. One day the Human Resource Manager brings him into the office and says to him, "Joe, you aren't doing your job!"

Now, the Project Manager has one of two choices here in how he responds. He can either do what his gut reaction will likely be and become instantly infuriated inside of himself as he thinks to himself, "What right does this HR Manager have to tell me I'm not doing my job! He doesn't even know how I do my job! He's never built as much as a shed in his lifetime and he has the nerve to tell me I'm not doing my job!" Or he can respond by looking at this simple fact: The HR Manager is likely just doing his job. He very likely does not mean any harm whatsoever, and is not even attempting to demean the value of the work he has done! Maybe the only thing the HR Manager meant to share was a simple idea to help one tiny aspect of his job.

We need to make every attempt to see things from the perspective of the other person.

Now we have come to the final and most important part of this entire article.

We have done the prep work in our mind and heart to ensure we understand that everyone in life has problems, that everyone has a hot button issue, we've identified our end result of our response when our hot button is pushed and we've learned to see things from the other persons perspective -- and now the button is about to be pushed. We don't know when it will be pushed -- but we know it will be pushed no matter what!

Number Five: Apply the Rule of Four.

I remember when I was in college a man named Billy Paugh, who was a couple of years older than me, offered me this advice when he was sharing some thoughts on emotional intelligence as a leader. I have never forgotten it and I am truly grateful that Billy shared this with me as a young man.

The Rule of Four can mean anywhere from four seconds, four minutes, four hours, four days, four months or even four years to respond to a situation. I have applied it in my life and it has worked! I may receive an email that I don't like.

I must at least wait 4 seconds before determining my response, but I should often consider waiting four minutes before considering my response.

There are emails that I should wait four years to respond to, aren't there? I wonder how many Facebook posts would not be posted if we simply remember the rule of four? I wonder how many friends would still be friends if we remembered the Rule of Four? We know that the words that the other person used to push our hot button hurt us tremendously, why do we need to respond with the same line of thinking? Why don't we instead wait just Four Minutes before responding.

It is interesting in the Bible that the word patience is described the following way: "But let patience have her perfect work..." The key word in this statement is LET. Let patience happen. Let time happen. Let things unfold a little bit more. Let them keep talking. Let the other person know that they were heard. Let it happen.

If you force out a response to a negative situation you are placing yourself in a dangerous position as a leader in that persons life. Leadership is influence, isn't it? You may not have influence yet in that persons life, but you may have influence one day down the road -- shouldn't we begin with the end in mind by ensure we understand that we don't need to respond to that situation YET. We may need to respond, but let time happen. Let their be a delay in your response.

Sometimes waiting four years is best as well. Most people that set about to pursue their dream are faced with a tremendous amount of negative feedback from those around him. Wait four years before responding to it. Pursue your purpose for four years and let the results speak for themselves -- they will see. Either you will be proven right or they will be proven wrong. Just put your head down and keep moving forward in your life.

What would it feel like to drive home from work not having that conversation with your windshield that you had earlier at the office because of a negative response?

The Rule of Four should be immediately applied to as many areas and interactions as possible in your day. Your influence as a leader will greatly be determined by your Emotional Intelligence. Why not keep it in check?