Kindness is Power in an Age of Bullying

By joseph Pangaro

"BULLYING" attention school personnel and parents. Here is an article I wrote about this topic. As the new school year approaches please consider these observations. “Kindness is Power in an Age of Bullying” By Joseph Pangaro I was recently asked to create a program for young people on Bullying, Cyber Bulling, and Internet Safety. The target audience was 7th and 8th grade kids, Middle schoolers. For anyone who knows me knows that making presentations is part of what I do professionally- I teach cops, school administrators, teachers, and businesspeople. One of the keys to being a good presenter is to know your audience so you can deliver a message they will identify with and will have some impact on their lives. Even though I have had 4 kids of my own go through these very difficult years I was never required to speak to their friends about the tough issues kids in middle school face. As most of us know middle school can be brutal, even if you’re not someone who got picked on- these years are the ones when we go from being a kid to a young adult and all that comes with it. We can be vulnerable. But never one to turn down a challenge I accepted the job and set about to create a program for these kids. I wanted to speak to the pain that bullying can cause to the victim, but also the reality that as we become adults we may look back on our actions in a different light; especially if we were the bully’s. One of the most powerful and painful emotions we can experience, in my opinion, is regret. As life teaches us the lessons it has to offer, we all make choices about ourselves and what we will do and become. Some people make bad choices for lots of reasons, some out of our control and others we clearly chose based on our personalities and life circumstances. Unfortunately, as time grinds on we may look back at some of those choices with deep regret, especially if those choices hurt other people. So here I am wanting to talk to these kids as young adults and find a way to help any bully’s realize they should stop their behavior and to provide any victims with some hope that people are listening. There is another group of kids out there too, a group we don’t always recognize in this paradigm, those are the kids that are not bullied themselves and they are not bully’s, these kids are the witnesses to bullying. They see the sometime vicious and hurtful actions of classmates, and many are intimidated, they don’t want to stand up for a victim for fear of being on the receiving end of the bully’s wrath. They watch in silence, and they suffer in silence. Seeing injustice can be very difficult. As humans, many of us are empathetic to the plight of others; in this scenario, these witnesses are deeply affected. A few years back I authored an article about this very topic. I talked about a girl I witnessed in 6th grade receive some horrendous bullying, but at 11 years old I could not stand up for her. The pain I suffered was real and it bothered me all my life that I could not help her. When I finally did make a stand, it was for her and me. Unfortunately, it did little to help her and only brought on some harassment to me for making the stand. Regardless of the specifics of that incident it is that incident that informs me about these witnesses, I know firsthand. Let’s get back to my challenge, creating a program of value for these middle school kids. So, I decided to start out with definitions I thought the kids could relate to; we talked about- “popularity” and what it means and who wants it. Don’t we all want to be popular in some way and have lots of friends? Then I defined “Power” and how it is used, acquired, and abused. And finally, I tried to bridge that gap by revealing to these kids that while some people use power, like the power of bullying a weaker person to feel better about themselves, and obtain power or status, it is really an act of weak person that bullies. The link, and it’s a link we can all see even as adults; bullying doesn’t stop at the schoolhouse door, bullies are everywhere. Ever work for a boss who is a bully? Or a co-worker? These people usually have many personality flaws that they hide or try to overcome by using whatever power they have, and attack people in a weaker position, if not a weaker person physically or mentally. Once I had this concept nailed down, I had to offer an alternative to the kids. After all we are all seeking acceptance, status, friendships, and power of one sort or another. It was then that it hit me; the simplest truth was that at its very essence, “Kindness is Power”. Being kind to a weaker person, no matter the person’s weakness: status, financial, mental, physical, position or anything else, Kindness is the most powerful thing we can offer, and being kind is the most powerful thing we can be. In my own life I have seen examples of this trait in real time over and over again as many of us have. I have seen cops reach into their own pockets and pay for the meal of homeless person, or a first aid member offer comfort to a person on a call knowing that person was going to die, or the hundreds of other acts we see all around us all the time if we look. Kindness is power. I knew that was the hook for the program; that was the message I wanted to send; I just hoped the kids would get it. I gave the presentation a few weeks later and it seemed to go well. As part of the program, I asked the kids to be “kindness hero’s” and let someone know if a child was being bullied. I hoped it would send a positive message. There was a girl in the audience and a principal walked over to her after the program and said, “Aren’t you new here”? The girl said she was new it was her first day. The principal asked who she was sitting with at lunch and the girl said “No one”. With that three 7th grade girls came over and told her she should sit with them. The girl smiled; kindness had impacted her and the girls who showed that kindness. I thought that was great, it felt like the program really gave the kids something, after all here was tangible proof. Well, that was nothing compared to the privilege I was given a few days later. One of the principals called me to say he enjoyed the program, but added that there was a boy in the 7th grade that came up to him and said “I want to be a kindness hero”. When asked what he meant the boy said there was a kid in his lunchroom that was being picked on by other kids at another table and he wanted to have that boy sit with him and his friends. When asked why he wanted to do this the young man said, “Kindness is power” and that boy should not be treated like that. The principal moved the kid’s seat that day and now he sits with his new friends, friends that value him for who he is. I was overwhelmed. I asked this principal if I could visit his school and shake this Kindness hero’s hand. He made the arrangements and few days later I traveled to the school and met this awesome young man. He was unassuming, soft spoken and shy. I asked him why he did this for a kid who was picked on and he said he didn’t think it was right and it hurts his feelings to see it. He said when he thought about it, he decided to be brave and use the power of kindness to help the kid. It was all I could do not to cry, and I’m not ashamed to say it; some things in life are so beautiful they demand our surrender. To be in the presence of such a wonderful young person was a gift that I will never forget. He changed the life of the boy who was bullied, he changed his own life by stepping up and he changed my life by allowing me to witness it. We live in a time when pain and anger, suffering and angst are everyday fare; this small episode reveals the truth: kindness is power, it is a power we all possess, if we choose to wield it for good. Look around you today and in the days to come as we approach the new school year. Be a kindness hero, be powerful. Let me know what you think. Email: JPangaro@Integraservices.com

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