Know Thyself - Shame

I listened to Bill George- Professor at Harvard University on one of my favourite topics Authentic Leadership. He raised a startling question “What is it that you are ashamed of?” This was a profound question, especially now that I am well and truly in the Know Thyself mode.

 After ruminating on this tough question, I have come with the following:

 Our Background

 This is the biggest bucket that contributes to the shame factor. Race, Religion, Parents, Economic Status, Education, Schooling and Friends are some elements that contribute to our shame. 

 Looking at myself: 

 Race was a big tick, as the Tamil population we keep telling ourselves we are one of the oldest on the planet and we have so much to be proud of. The language is rich, which consists of a wide genre of literature and music. It also has practical survival guides like the mighty Thirukkural to keep us on the straight and narrow. Nothing to be ashamed of there. 

 Religion was cool, as it is liberal and thinks that all religions are equal but follows different paths to the same source. It also has some impressive temples around the world. The Tamil Diaspora is into outdoing each other, building Temples which means, there is always a Temple wherever we go. But to cap it all, Temples like Angkor Wat and Thanjavur Big Temple, are testament to the power and prestige of the Hindu Religion and its longevity. 

 Parents, as respected Health Professionals were of no concern on the shame front. Nor did they resort to any abuse while I grew up. They were more into doing their duty to the extent we grew up on our own. The only problem was that folk would dob me into my parents if they thought I was misbehaving in any way. Which was a pain.   

 Schooling also was not an issue, as I went to a Convent school favoured by the colleagues of my parents. In fact, most of my friends are very proud of our school, while I am more relaxed. The fact that I did not go to university but climbed the corporate ladder with my accountancy qualification was kind of cool. No shame in any of these factors. 

 Now to the curly bit. Region. Which may sound quite strange to many of you. My father was from the east of Sri Lanka and Mother was from the north. For some reason, the northerners had a superiority complex and would fail to comprehend how someone from the north could marry someone from the east. They would cast a beady eye. My father, as a consultant, disregarded this beady eye and went about his business of curing folks. Later in life, with people who did not know my parents, this became quite a big irritant. For those who asked me where I was from (believe me, the diaspora ask) I offered up my mum’s hometown. 

 Thinking about this, I should not have done that. It goes against my core values of transparency and just being who I am. I was ashamed and wanted to avoid the beady eye. Which is strange, as I always stuck out like a sore thumb in my professional career with my background. That never bothered me at all. Acceptance of one’s own seems important to self. That is a revelation indeed. Glad to report I am more forthright about it now. 

 Actions we take 

 Looking back over the years, I am relieved to say that I do not recall anything that stands out as something to be ashamed of. I have always tried to live my values and stand for greater good. This meant, I am not everyone’s favourite and at times and it has got me into very hot water. But I have no regrets at all. In fact, peace of mind is what I feel. 

 Life is full of learning opportunities. We make mistakes. If we know we have learnt from it, that is not something we feel ashamed of. We are stronger for the experience. I can confirm my life has been one big learning experience. In fact, I am proud of what I learnt and how I recovered from some real bloopers. 

 Some of the usual suspects that people are ashamed of are, treating others badly, not taking on our responsibility, operating as though the ends justify the means, wasting our life, succumbing to bad habits and living an inauthentic life. 

 Others are victims of abuse and there is a sense of deep shame as the person thinks they are to be blamed. I must thank the universe that I was never subject to such a things. 

 Some folk have done some hard-core stuff in their lives. Criminal or other odious activities. Some are quite ashamed and regretful, while others can waltz through life, without a care in the world. 

 Each person is wired differently. This exercise can be an easy or confronting one, depending on the person. Finding out this shame, and remedying it is good. This way we come to terms with it and put it to bed. If not, it will be present and gnawing, which is a pest. Getting know our shame can be a revelation. Just like mine was to me. We can use this insight to respond to our environment better and to get ahead in our maturity stakes. 

 Anything top of mind in that you are ashamed of? 

Any other areas that I have left out? 

How will you overcome your shame?  

Anything you will do differently?