The KPIs of Parenthood

If you know what it's like to be putting out a non-literal fire one minute and kissing a scraped knee the next, you're likely in the working parents club. It's easy to try to imagine what it's like to navigate the world (and brain space) of being both an employee and a parent, but it's different when you're in the thick of it. Because parenting is not one journey -- it's a unique path for every parent and every family.

If you're in this club, you may miss your child's first steps, but you still stare at them in awe at their second or third attempt that happened to take place when you finished work for the day. You're proud of these little innocent beasts you somehow produced (or acquired) and find delight in seeing them overcome every tiny challenge and turn around every learning curve. And whether you admit it or not you watch for those KPIs - is your kid ahead? Delayed? On track? Even if you don't follow your kid's progress like an award-winning competitive research marketer, your kid's doctor asks you anyway so you best be paying close attention and taking notes.

For some of us, we notice there may be something different about our child. That may be something that was called out from early on, or it can be a series of observations that we barely mentally acknowledge until they add up to a conversation that leads to a peer mentioning the phrase "early intervention." And suddenly you're down the rabbit hole of the internet realizing that perhaps something is indeed different about your child. They check all the boxes. You were supposed to get them evaluated by 18 months? Well, that was 18 months ago. Or they are only 18 months old and you question how anyone at 18 months can be diagnosed with anything.

What does this post have to do with a professional networking site? Doesn't it belong on Facebook? Well, I want to post it here because I think it's important that we embrace all of ourselves in the work we do, which means bringing our full selves to work, but also figuring out together with others how to best manage through what life throws at us. Because there are enough people on LinkedIn that I'm sure for every challenge there's another hundred plus plus people facing the same or similar. So I share this to help others going through this feel less alone, and to seek out community amongst peers who have been there or are in the thick of it. Because we must be able to bring our full selves to work while also ensuring that we are the best parents possible for the children who need our support.

The Responsibility of Top Performance

My first childbirth had some relatively minor complications and ended in my son being rushed to the NICU as they tell me he was blue and not breathing. He spent ~36 hours on a c-pap machine until they released him to me. He was perfect. (He still is perfect.)

From early on he seemed a bit disconnected from the world and a bit overly sensitive. There were a few missed milestones, but nothing major. The doctors didn't seem concerned. And then, at around 18 months of his life the world descended into pandemic isolation. We holed up in our apartment and barely stepped outside for months. Even visiting grandma and grandpa was off limits. We were grateful we could continue working from the safety of our home. My son jumped on the couch and screamed to never-ending phonics videos on YouTube as we attempted to focus on our work in our only other room. At the same time, I happened to also find out I was pregnant with my second child. With no vaccine available, we decided it was best to continue to isolate completely.

It was an interesting time for all of us (and still is) and in hushed Facebook group and zoom conversations I heard stories of women leaving the workplace and those who were struggling through the days. While I didn't want anyone else to be struggling, it did help to know that I wasn't alone. But I knew that I had a choice to stay as strong as possible. I know a lot of working parents, especially women, felt the need to do this over the past years. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't.

That time is somewhat over. For my family, we have reunited with our parents. We no longer are trying to manage childcare via nanny YouTube and working all at the same time. It felt like finally taking a huge breath of fresh air after trying to free dive into the depths of the more cavernous blue hole and hoping that one day I'd be given the signal to start swimming furiously back to the surface. A signal that never really came. But back up I swam anyway, making it just in time to take a big gasp before diving back down again.

This is the reality for anyone who faces challenges in life, and given that we are all human I know that everyone goes through moments like this. The moments when you feel like a duck kicking with all your might under water and wearing the Zoom-perfect shirt and smile above it.

Now, imagine being told your child might require 30 hours a week of therapy plus to be taken to a special preschool. There are many decisions to make all at once and a whole business built around "helping" these kids change who they are to become more like everyone else. Welcome to the world of being a parent of a kid on the autism spectrum.

You quickly learn--by everyone you share this information with--that your kid can't possibly be autistic because s/he's so this that or the other thing (for the record a child can be bright, advanced verbally, and autistic.)

But you have evaluation and paperwork that says you're not making it up. Even though you may doubt the diagnosis or want a second opinion.

Then you remember you have a kid who would rather ask Alexa "what's the capital of Mozambique" than talk to other kids or kick a ball or roll in the dirt. Who has memorized all 50 state capitals, most state birds, and a good percentage of country capitals. Who says "they're in Santiago!" when you get out of the car at a park and mutter to yourself about how you wish you brought a warmer jacket for him since "it's a bit chilly!" A kid who is constantly running around and spinning and jumping and rhyming sounds but not looking you in the eye when you call their name or looking in the direction you point. Who cries bloody murder if there is a loud noise nearby like the blender or fireworks or too many people talking in an echoey hallway. Who reverses his pronouns and asks statements as questions while also running around saying that his favorite element is oxygen but he also likes protactinium and einsteinium. A kid who at 3 is reading most words 5 letters or less and sounding out the longer ones, who is doing 35+ piece puzzles, but who is in, now certifiably, in the 9% and 25% for certain fine motor skills, according to an OT evaluation.

You remember how you once, as a third grader, qualified for a GATE (gifted and talented education) program and didn't stay long because of your then also diagnosed ADHD.

...And thinking of how, with your kid, that all of those observations you brushed off because you didn't want to really think too hard about it or didn't have the time too really did add up. A few priority KPIs are in the red and seem to have no clear path to green. You get a hunch that you ought to be managing your family in a more agile manner. And you're already 18 months too late to the party, because there's a whole bunch of research that says early intervention is the best way to help your child fit in the with the world.

Except there's a also a whole mile-high pile of commentary about how interventions available do more harm than good. And you're left with links to books and a thousand websites and parents who respond to your Facebook messages telling you're awful if you don't enroll your child in the most expensive private therapy and schools you can find and others who tell you you're horrible if you sign up for any services whatsoever as your child is perfectly perfect the way they are. And your friend tells you that maybe your kid is just awkward because you haven't exposed him to normal socialization due to COVID and just being socially awkward parents. Everyone has an opinion. And you aren't even sure what opinion you have yet other that all of these doctors recommending a thousand therapies for your child must assume that you have nothing else to do in your life than help your child. And the guilt oozes in and you realize that all that working parent / working mommy / working caretaker guilt you felt previously had nothing on this new feeling.

In a funny way the complexity of life forces one to be even more productive at work. To ruthlessly prioritize what will drive the most value and not get caught up in the things that don't matter. It makes one drill down to the KPIs of both work life and home life. Because nothing can be perfect but you can still drive towards success. And you need clear goals and to constantly evaluate if you're headed in the right direction and to change course if you're not. But sometimes it can also feel like you're headed back down that free dive and there's no one to tell you it's time to race back to surface. It's on you to turn around and make it back in time.

The beauty is that, with the right amount of privilege and determination (probably 90% privilege and 10% determination) you'll manage to breathe again. To live the schizophrenic life that is being a working parent/caretaker. To be more efficient with each dive and learn the fastest way back up for air.

What challenges have you faced in your life that have made you stronger as an employee and parent or caretaker? How have you navigated the time and mental space needed to support your loved ones while also continuing to bring your best self to work?