On the Leader as the Parentified Child

So many leaders, early in their lives, were put into roles that were precocious to their age. Many leaders had a role in their family as a sort of a hero, the rescuer, or caretaker of the family's wellbeing. In that role these children became hyper responsible. They became used to being really effective, especially in handling chaos.

These children got used to being in charge, often from very young age, which is heartbreaking in terms of the dimensions of their childhood that they missed. But that child naturally grows up to lead others, direct the action around them and excels at getting stuff done. Their effectiveness gets rewarded. Achievement and contribution begin to matter more than more natural ways of being and the qualities of self-expression and joy.

That pattern of external referencing and validation and going to the next goal post gets very entrenched, and this propulsion to succeed can be wonderful. Often in our programs, we have some of the most "successful" people on the planet.

However, at some point in the life cycle of their leadership, they are going to hit a wall where reaching yet another accolade or another appointment or another raise, another piece of security, fails to satisfy.

That is an extremely pregnant moment. Suddenly, in adult development terms, these leaders have the potential to move from a socialized mind (where your choices are informed by what society commends) to an internally referenced self-authoring mindset in which they can choose from deep inside their own values, their own sense of purpose, their own calling, what they want to do and how they want to contribute.

Other family roles also play out as interpersonal habits or top team dynamics: An executive breaking tension through humor and deflection (what is sometimes called the mascot), a leader who gets blamed when things go wrong or isolated for being the only one voicing oppositional perspectives (scapegoat) or disappearing during conflict or difficult conversations (lost child). At its heart, vertical development seeks to release each of us from the childhood roles, cognitive schemas and emotional pain we carry so that a deeper, self-propelling, organic, developmental river can run again.

Until that profound shift is nourished – by taking time for healing and love to act as a balm and providing the containers in which transformation takes place – the most we can hope for are temporary and relatively superficial changes that won't touch the heart or unlock a person's true potential.