Letters to a daughter. Five: Marriage and the family

Faith is a different matter. It resides in the heart not the mind. Some twenty years ago my daughter, who was then a teenager and who had lived with us in Saudi Arabia for all her life, went away to boarding school in the UK. This was her first exposure to a world in which faith, for much of the past century, has played a steadily diminishing role in the life of ordinary people.

So it was natural that the new environment would lead her mind to question much of what she had been exposed to during her earlier life. These questions were put to us - her parents. I thought, at the time, the best way to respond would be to put my thoughts in writing. This I did in a series of letters written over a period of about two months.

I stumbled upon these letters recently and thought that it would be useful to share them with a wider audience. There are a total of six letters. I will post them here in sequence inshallah over the coming weeks.

This is the fifth letter in the series. The fourth is at this link.

Five: Marriage and the family

Marriage is sacred. It is an act of worship and a blessing. An oft-quoted verse in the Quran tells us: And amongst His (Allah’s) blessings is that He created from amongst yourselves wives, so that you may find tranquility with them, and He created between you (the couple) affection and mercy for each other. Indeed, in this are signs for the thoughtful.

And in another chapter, we are told: They (your wives) are raiment for you, and you are raiment for them. The interpreters of the Quran, over the centuries, have marvelled at how these words encapsulate the essence of marriage: Just as clothes protect the wearer from heat and cold and sun and rain, so do husband and wife protect each other from the vicissitudes of life.

Popular culture makes much of romance and love. Make no mistake, love, of the romantic kind, may bring a man and woman together. But, in the end, such love turns out to be, in the words of that master of romance, Thomas Hardy, “As evanescent as steam”.

Marriage is not easy. Making it work takes effort and commitment. It takes understanding, thoughtfulness, kindness, sensitivity, respect, and willingness to compromise, to forgive and to forget. This is what the Quran means by affection and mercy. And this is what really holds a man and woman together long after the “steam” has evanesced.

Clearly a stable and happy marriage provides precisely the ‘habitat’ that is necessary to raise a family. And it is the family that the Shariah considers to be the heart, if you will, of Islamic society. Damaging this heart is tantamount to delivering a mortal blow to Islam. Recognizing the extreme danger of any threats to this ‘heart’ the Shariah provides for a multi-layered defense of the family.

Let me give you an example of what I mean: In talking about adultery the Quran does not say: “Do not commit adultery”. Instead, it uses the phrase: “Do not approach (or come close) to adultery”. The commentators of the Quran attach great importance to the choice of words here: What the Quran is saying is that any circumstances or situations that could put one in proximity to adultery must be avoided. It recognizes that Allalh has created man and woman to be attracted to each other. And if people who are attracted to each other are left alone long enough it exposes them to extreme temptation.

And so, the Shariah brings into effect a series of defensive measures: It prohibits khulwa – “being alone”; hence a man and a woman not related to each other should not be left alone. It discourages mixed company; hence you will see that in most Muslim societies men and women sit separately at social gatherings, and mixed work environments are discouraged. It urges women to dress modestly in public. It recommends (but does not require) that when women travel far away from home they be accompanied by a mahram – a male relative to whom marriage is not possible – a brother or a father.

So a series of defenses, as it were, are put in place, which if adhered to, will avoid complications that can have far reaching, sometimes irrevocable, and damaging consequences. Some people take umbrage at these “restrictions”. They say: Are we not adults? Can we not be trusted? Sadly, a mass of evidence – of broken families, traumatized children, shattered hearts and lives – suggests otherwise.

You have lived long enough and have travelled wide enough to bear witness to the truth of this. It was the rare friend you had at Cheltenham whose parents were still together. And you know how these girls suffered and, perhaps, continue to suffer.

This is the method of the Shariah: In order to take us where we have to go it sets down a series of guidelines. Follow them and you are on the "high road". Disregard them and you are on your own, with your worst enemy – your nafs.

In my last essay I will take up inshallah an issue that is quite topical these days in your neck of the woods. I did refer to it but passed by it quite quickly. This was not accidental. In the scheme of things, it does not merit the attention it is getting in the West. The Shariah requires women to dress modestly. The wording of the Quran does not allow for a more precise recommendation.

Most scholars think that the words of the Quran, coupled with other evidence from the life of the Prophet, suggest that garments should be loose enough so as not to reveal a woman’s figure and that the head should be covered. A very few of them are inclined to the view that the face should be covered as well. In the end, every woman must make up her own mind.

Let me end with words from the Book we live by: And those who say: ‘Our Lord let our wives and children be the apple of our eyes and let us be exemplars to the pious.’ They will occupy the highest place in Paradise in reward for their patience, and in it they will find a welcoming tranquility.”

In my next essay, inshallah, I will try and wrap up this discussion – at least for the time being.

To be continued...

Nadeem M Qureshi's translation of Why Muslims Lagged Behind and Others Progressed is published by Austin Macauley Publishers.