A Love Story in Four Parts: Overcoming Communication Toxins (Part 3 of 4: I'm Listening)

[Running an experiment this week: Publishing fiction on LinkedIn! Curious to hear your feedback in the comments or in a DM. Part 1. Part 2.]

Tom wasn’t too keen on this idea.

“We’re starting our life together, officially, and you think we’re already on such rocky ground that we need outside help?”

“I think that we’ve never learned to properly argue with each other, and these communication problems are hurting us.”

Tom had to acknowledge that the argument about buying the co-op or moving to San Francisco when he’d just wanted to get married had confused the heck out of him.

“It doesn’t have to be a therapist, it can just be our pastor, but I think we need a few sessions of counseling.”

“Ok, I’m game to try.”

But that didn’t seem to be the case. When Sally asked Tom if he’d prefer to meet with their pastor or a licensed therapist he’d keep changing his answer. First, he’d say, let’s do the real thing since there’s no shortage of therapists in New York. Then Sally would get a list of referrals on her own, and when she went to go over the names with Tom, he’d say, I thought you were just going to schedule an appointment with the pastor. And when Sally would inform Tom that she’d scheduled a meeting, he’d suddenly have a work conflict.

The second time that she had to cancel on the pastor, with great embarrassment, she went to confront Tom about his refusal to actually go to counseling. Instead of taking the subway home, she walked, feeling that the long walk would let her clear her head, and help her approach Tom calmly. She felt angry, but she didn’t want the potential cure for their communication woes to cause more problems.

By the time she got home, the anger she’d felt about having to cancel on the pastor a second time had faded quite a lot, and she felt like she could bring the topic up calmly.

“Tom,” she said, “you and I had agreed to go to couple’s counseling, and lately I feel like you’ve been avoiding it. Today I had to cancel on the pastor for the second time, and that has left me feeling embarrassed.”

This was the last thing Tom wanted to talk about. Things had truly been busy for him at work. And though he knew he’d been avoiding this whole counseling thing, he really didn’t think it was necessary.

“Come on Sally, what do you want me to do about it? I told you I’m busy at work. There are some clients I can’t just cancel on.”

“What I want is for you to make our couples counseling a priority. Could you commit to a time to going and then stick to it?”

Tom was caught off guard by the direct nature of the question. He couldn’t really just say no to this request; he had agreed to go to counseling with Sally.

“Well, maybe we can put this off a little, just until work settles down a bit more and we’ve got some more boxes unpacked.”

“I feel I expressed how important this is to me, and it’s something that I think our relationship needs. Our wedding is less than six months away, and this means a lot to me.”

Tom looked at Sally. He felt backed into a corner, but he also realized that this was something that Sally really cared about.

Seeing the look of indecision on Tom’s face, Sally made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. “If you come to counseling, I’ll tell you why I broke up with you in college.”

Even Tom had to admit the counseling was not nearly as bad as he’d thought it would be, in fact, he’d learned some useful skills. And he’d found out that secret from so long ago.

“The Merritt Parkway! You dumped me over the Merritt Parkway!” Tom ribbed good naturedly after their session, as they unpacked still more boxes that evening in their new home. Tom was glad to finally have the mystery solved, and instead of being hurt, he found the whole thing hilarious, now that he and Sally were soon going to tie the knot.

Sally’s cheeks flushed. “I don’t think I’ll ever get over how dumb that sounds.”

“So the moral of the story, when driving with Sally Thompson, don’t ever take the long way home.”

“That’s not the moral of the story at all!” Sally said, initially hurt, but then recalled some of the lessons she’d been learning in Dr. Sachem’s office. They’d decided to go with a psychologist after all for three pre-marital sessions.”

“What I mean is that then, what I got so angry about, and failed so completely in actually expressing, was that I felt like you weren’t listening to me. It felt like we were never able to work on making decisions together as a team. It was just an endless cycle of you and I being angry about having to make decisions, and never able to reach an answer.”

“So just ask first, before taking the scenic route.”

“Yeah Tom, exactly, or not exactly. I love taking the scenic route with you. But sometimes the best thing for us is to take the direct way back. And I want to be able to make those decisions with you, not against you. You don’t need my permission, so much as we need to be able to work together.”

“So what do you think of Dr. Sachem?” Tom asked, wanting to change the subject a little bit. He felt like they’d done enough ‘work’ on their relationship for the day.

“I liked her, didn’t you?”

“Of course, she’s great, but you have to admit, with all that talk of active listening, you can just see her practicing it on us.”

“I think active listening can really work, it seems like one of the best ways to let someone know that you are really listening.”

 “Really, isn’t it all a little too much, “Frasier Crane, ‘I’m listening.’” Tom really put on his best bass voice and did a pitch-perfect impersonation of the classic character. Sally couldn’t help herself and burst out laughing. Tom could get her every time, well almost every time. It was one of her favorite things about him.

“Hey Tom, I have an idea, anytime when we’re in a really big fight, you do that exact impression. You’ll get me to laugh and we’ll both be reminded how important listening is.”

“Alright,” Tom said. He always enjoyed Sally’s appreciation of his comedic talents. “But what will you say when you need to get me to laugh.”

Sally blushed again and shook her head. Then said, “Merritt Parkway.”