Marriage Is Hard—But Not in the Way You Think

My introduction to marriage was not in its ideal form, a reality I feel is shared by more people than not (because no marriage is ideal). I often thought of my parents' marriage, which ended in divorce in my adulthood, as more of a curious matter than one to be idolized. Other marriages I had a chance to witness seemed turbulent at worst and joyless at best. The common saying, "Marriage is hard," took a passive definition for me that meant marriage is a place where joy and contentment take a rightful backseat to duty and perseverance.

However, like many millennials, I let my imagination run wild when it comes to romance, connection, and the happily ever after. At least here in Addis, I imagine we're the first generation with broader access to television, be it stationed in a group around a neighbor's TV or, if we were lucky, our own. I remember watching Egoli and Acapulco and ታላቅ ፊልም on Saturday nights when I was quite young. I re-watched Kuch Kuch Hota Hai at least 40 times— mesmerized by how Rahul stared deep into Anjali's eyes as they ran through a cornfield. I read Sydney Sheldon, Danielle Steel, and other fiction that portrayed romance. Late into my teens, I consumed enough Friends, Fresh Prince, Ally McBeal, and Gilmore Girls from pirated sites on compromised flash drives and VHS to give me— an eager teenager— an idea of what love, relationships, and conflict can or should look like.

In this vacuum where many of us are educated about interpersonal relationships through television, gossip, and our early experiences, we take in so much that may not be conducive to a healthy, long-term commitment like marriage. We end up with a misguided version of happily ever after, where life is perfectly happy, free of conflict, and primarily exists to feed our romantic and sexual fantasies. Looking back now, because retrospective vision is 20/20, I can tell much of the narrative I heard around marriage is formed out of fear and people's own experiences of traumatic and unhappy marriages. It was always strange to me how there is immense social pressure to marry, yet, when you talk to people about the institution of marriage, it is rare to hear a positive report.

Of course, it is understandable that the marital union has generationally suffered silent and unhealed pains because of various factors, including infidelity, violence, our collective lack of emotional intelligence, the lack of awareness and secrecy/silence around abuse, the lack of legal or even social frameworks to redress these abuses, the silence around navigating marital challenges within a prevailing hush-hush culture, and the list goes on. If we aren’t facing these issues in our own homes today, many of us witnessed them growing up— and commonality doesn’t mean we emerge unscathed. Unfortunately, many of these serious issues that plagued unions for previous generations still remain a serious concern today. It shouldn't come as a shock, therefore, that there is a strong negative narrative around marriage; and that there is a negative reaction to modern-day portrayals of what we saw and see as traditional marriages. The common reality is triggering, and a defense mechanism is only the natural response.

Part of this defense mechanism is to villainize marriage itself. Most of us crave intimacy and connection on a deeper level— that's why conversations around dating, marriage, family, etc, are so common and in-demand in our day-to-day lives. It's because it's a shared basic human desire. Studies time and again prove the protective nature of marriage— with married people living longer and healthier than their unmarried counterparts. Despite this, many fear and avoid marriage, and others enter the union of marriage simply to placate a parent. Many want the fun of dating, the companionship of a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but marriage feels like the trap door at the end of the road.

I worry, from my own experience, that this strong negative sentiment around marriage may have eclipsed the incomparable joy and deep fulfillment that comes from marriage. I fear the pessimistic report we hear about marriage prior to and during our marriage is dictating the reality we live in our marriages. Let me give you an example. My relationship with my husband was at its most stressful, most difficult state when I was incessantly listening to this narrative about marriage, which was given to me in high doses when I first decided to marry. Even though I loved my husband (my then-fiancé), and I had no doubt this man would treat me with love and respect, I couldn't help but dissect every single interaction we had through the lens of the information I was receiving. 'What ifs' filled my mind. When I look back, I can accurately say I was spiraling. Although both my husband and I did our best to deal with all this at the time, the honest truth was that this phase of our togetherness was our hardest time together thus far— and I can confidently boil down the problem to the bug in my ear.

I learned something refreshing when I stopped listening to this narrative and decided to listen to others with varying perspectives. It turns out, marriages can be... happy. You can actually like and love your spouse well into the years of marriage. Sure, conflict happens, and that is normal— you are bringing two different, imperfect worlds into a version of oneness, and it'd be bizarre if there wasn't any friction along the way. Here was something crazier— if you actually decide to be on the same team and work through your conflict, try to out-love each other, you'll emerge stronger, happier, and less likely to see your spouse as an opponent to be struck down. Sometimes truth is stranger— and much simpler— than fiction. It turns out, "Marriage is hard" means you're continually making room for this merger, and sometimes it's uncomfortable but, in most cases, worth it.

I suppose my message here is that the very thing that's convincing us that marriage may be a trap, that it may be a place where our peace and personal freedom go to die, may just be a self-fulfilling prophecy. My argument is that if we removed ourselves from this overwhelming narrative of marriage being a lackluster place and perhaps tapped into the stories and experiences of those in joyful marriages, we may have a balanced and realistic view of the institutition.

I am so thankful that this is my lived experience and that I stopped listening to the pessimism around me. I am also astonished that this unsolicited negative portrayal of marriage continues long after I tied the knot. Close to five years married, and I still get the "መስሎሻል!" ("You'll see!") and the "ቆይ _______ እስክትሆኚ፣ እስኪኖራቹ፣ እስክትሆኑ እኮ ነው!" ("It's only good until you two decide to ______")— the advice that has you thinking that the joy and love you feel is temporary, that the other shoe will drop at the next life milestone, and that you should never drop your guard.

It is a battle for me to constantly insulate myself from this rhetoric around me that, at times, seems to sneak up on me. Some year and a half or so ago, I was having a casual chat with someone, and I was making banter about how my husband has a hard time finding things in the house. I made a joke about how being a good wife is all in vain. Without missing a beat, this person turned to me with her head backward, eyebrows raised, and said to me, "ጥሩ ሚስት ነኝ እያልሽ ባልሆነ?!" ("You can't possibly be saying you're a good wife!") Although I shrugged off the comment, it genuinely hurt me so much, and I had to struggle to squash the seed of self-doubt this conversation sowed in my mind.

To me, removing this negative rhetoric as much as possible is the single greatest gift I've given myself, and it has rewarded me with a peaceful, happy, and loving marriage that's filled with the kind of understanding, friendship, and romance that no rom-com or book can ever emulate. The reality— and difficult reality— is that marriage requires you to be increasingly vulnerable. In fact, any fruitful, growing relationship requires a measure of vulnerability. And vulnerability is risk. At the end of the day, when you choose to marry and stay married, you are taking risks for love, and you are likely rewarded with the deep, amazing joy that comes from overcoming fear.

If you're at that age where you are kinda sorta starting to think about marriage, I encourage you to consider many perspectives. Good marriages may not be talked about as much, but they're not rare. I'd recommend taking a moment to consider the possibility that the most potent forms of fear come in the name of love— that the overwhelmingly negative narrative you hear from those you love and trust may just be one side of the conversation.