The Mask of Perfection - My Personal Story

Growing up neurodivergent in a world that often values conformity over individuality can be an isolating and painful experience. As an AuDHD (a combination of Autism and ADHD) person, I’ve faced countless challenges stemming from the intersection of my neurodivergence and the critical environment in which I was raised. My parents' constant barrage of criticism shaped my self-perception and contributed to a relentless drive for perfectionism that has been both a coping mechanism and a burden.

From a young age, I was bombarded with messages that I was not good enough, that everything I did was wrong, and that I would never measure up. These harsh judgments were not just occasional comments but a constant background noise that shaped my understanding of myself and my place in the world. The impact of these messages was profound. I grew up believing that I was a problem, a burden, too much, and yet never enough.

In response, I developed a mask of perfectionism. This mask became my armor, protecting me from further criticism and rejection. I wore a suit to work every day, projecting an image of unassailable competence and control. I worked long hours, overachieving at every task, and making projects more complicated than they needed to be in an effort to prove my worth. This relentless pursuit of perfection, however, came at a significant cost.

While the mask of perfectionism served me in some ways, allowing me to excel in my career and avoid immediate criticism, it also made me unlikable and difficult to relate to. My colleagues and acquaintances saw the polished exterior but not the real me, leading to misunderstandings and strained relationships. They often perceived my perfectionism as insincere and not genuine, which was deeply hurtful and hard to recover from.

In my late 30s, I began the challenging process of unmasking. This journey of self-discovery and acceptance has been both liberating and difficult. Shedding the mask means confronting the deeply ingrained fear of not being good enough and learning to embrace my authentic self, flaws and all. However, the habit of perfectionism is hard to shake. It remains my default mode, especially when dealing with strangers or encountering new situations.

Perfectionism, while sometimes beneficial in the short term, is generally detrimental in the long run. It prevents people from seeing and knowing the real me, making it difficult to form genuine connections and be vulnerable with others. The mask that once protected me has become a barrier to the very things I value most: authenticity, connection, and acceptance.

Perfectionism is a common trait among Autistic and ADHD people. For many autistic individuals, the desire for perfection can stem from a need for predictability and control in a world that often feels chaotic and overwhelming. The drive for perfection can also be linked to a fear of making mistakes and being judged harshly, both of which are common experiences for autistic people.

Similarly, ADHD individuals may strive for perfection as a way to compensate for the challenges they face with attention, organization, and time management. The constant pressure to perform flawlessly can lead to burnout and feelings of inadequacy, as the standards set by perfectionism are often impossible to achieve consistently.

My experience is not unique. Many neurodivergent individuals grow up in environments that do not understand or support their differences. They develop coping mechanisms, such as masking and perfectionism, to navigate a world that often feels hostile and unwelcoming. These strategies can help in the short term but often lead to long-term emotional and psychological costs.

Unmasking and embracing our authentic selves is a lifelong journey. It requires courage, support, and a community that understands and values neurodiversity. As I continue to navigate this path, I am grateful for the community and the opportunity to support others on their journeys. Together, we can create a world where everyone, regardless of neurodivergence, can thrive and be celebrated for who they truly are.