"Me Do It!" A guided autobiographical snippet.

How often do 2 people meet who form a bond that not only leads to marital vows, but where those vows actually are borne out in living together "until death do us part?"

The relationship between Marsha and Burton Danet turned out to fulfill exactly that dictum. In fact, during the Wedding Ceremony, the song from Leonard Bernstein's "West Side Story," "One Hand, One Heart," was sung by a close friend of the Bride:

Make of our hands one hand,

Make of our hearts one heart,

Make of our vows one last vow:

Only death will part us now

At the unusually early age of 3, because of treatment she was receiving from her mother, Marsha uttered the words which declared her independence for life: "Me Do It!" From then on she knew she had, in effect, to become her own mother of herself and NOT to be like the woman who gave birth to her and for whom so many characteristics had to be avoided.

When Burton also shared the deeply pathological aspects of his upbringing with Marsha during a mid winter "picnic" she had suggested, bringing along hot chocolate, the conversation lasted until 2 a.m. on the 2nd date, with the mutual trust and ability to communicate with one another becoming so clear that the seeds of what was to become a marital bond, indeed, were being sewn.

It was not easy! Being such a shy, withdrawn and anxious person, when Burton asked Marsha to marry him, he requested that no one be told yet! Then time passed, and he got up the nerve to affirm the proposal and to have both share the exciting news with friends and family.

Exactly 5 weeks later, the couple were married! Each had his/her responsibilities as did the Bride's mother. In Burton's case, however, checking off items on his clipboard was much more fun than studying for the Clinical Psychology/Neuropsychiatry Prelims -- written and oral -- which were requirements for the Ph.D. degree. To boot, the 52-week practicum in Clinical Neurology had to be attended at 8 a.m. every Saturday morning. Unfortunately 52 turned into 104 weeks due to the fact that the 1st year's exam was failed (!), but the 2nd year's exposure still led to the same result (!); only later was it discovered that sitting in on a medical clinical neurology course for 2 years in a row with 2 failures actually made no difference, as it turned out, in terms of being awarded the Doctorate in Philosophy.

When anyone asked Marsha what attracted her to Burt, the reply always was that she saw him as intelligent, quiet-spoken and the fact that he was studying Psychology. If the same were asked of Burt, he would reply, when he 1st set eyes on Marsha, they were both ushers at Section 5 at the University of Minnesota's Northrup Auditorium, where all the cultural events took place, like the Minnesota Orchestra, the Metropolitan Opera, etc.

Marsha was required to wear a white blouse and black skirt; Burton was required to wear a tuxedo (!). Watching her walk up and down the aisle for a whole year before getting up the nerve to ask her for a date, clearly he was more than attracted to her, but he was especially taken by the sound of her stockings (remember this was in the early 1960s) rubbing together as she traversed the aisle.

When he finally summoned the courage to ask for a date, the two went to a Dinkytown restaurant (available to the general public as well as to university students), and both ordered a hamburger and fries. Throughout the lunch ALL Marsha talked about was how much she LOVED ketchup! As she kept pouring on the ketchup, the 2 laughed and laughed. Something told Burton to take this woman seriously!

As ushers, as the performance was about to begin and their volunteer work was done for the night, they were allowed to take any empty seats. As they sat, for example, for a concert, Marsha kept jabbing Burton with her left elbow. He would then lean over towards her, trying not to convulse with silent giggling, and said, "Aren't you wanting to listen to the music?" Her reply: "Music, what music?"

Then that 2nd date occurred with the instantaneous and serious bonding. So Marsha was not only definitely wanting to have a lot of fun, but she had a most serious side she revealed to very few people, as she revealed according to her personal history. Therefore on the one hand, they could have so much fun; on the other hand, the deepest of personal discussions were taking place.

It is not possible to offer a detailed accounting of so many happenings that typified the budding and then the development of a long-term relationship. What is true, more so now in retrospect after Marsha's passing, is that the constant learning from her that was taking place for Burton literally never ceased.

Marsha never let pain get the better of her, but found a way time and again to seek out alternative ways of handling the most profound personal distress. Further she maintained a perspective on living with a forward looking attitude including asserting the ability to have her mind exert its influence over the body. In the form of relaxation techniques, guided imagery and various forms of physical and occupational therapies were her means to control the severest of pain.

Despite multiple physical challenges, as she called them, she never allowed anyone to call her disabled. When predicted by medical doctors multiple times to require a wheelchair, she defied such expectations. Although a trained clinical psychologist/psychoanalyst, Burton always felt Marsha's intuitive nature made her a much better psychologist than he ever was.

Historically the couple left Minnesota to spend 17 years in the New York City Metropolitan Area, followed by the rest of their marital life in the State of California. Arthritis in every joint of Marsha's body no longer permitted tolerating cold Eastern winters. Luckily fog did not exacerbate Marsha's arthritis, and the mild variation in temperatures and barometric pressures proved most beneficial.

The humor being expressed during their marriage never diminished. Hilarious laughter often peppered the day. Fun, rather than depression from exposure to the news, was the focus. Watching sitcoms for 2 hours before retiring for the night was a usual pattern.

The nature of the love and alignment of these 2 human beings may best be symbolized by the photo of a joint project, Burton's ocean/sunset photo and Marsha's weaving mimicking the waves coming onto shore.