Menopause & Divorce – The Dreaded Pairing.

It’s common to think the end of a relationship is down to finance, stress, illness or family pressures. That, or simply meeting someone else that you would rather be with, and you then separate from your partner. 

Divorce and separation are common in midlife.  

Menopause is a life transition that affects relationships too.  

The two can also be connected.  

Navigating the choppy seas of midlife and menopause can bring a couple closer or mark the end of a relationship – that’s how it was for me.  

Over 60% of divorces in the UK are initiated by women in their 40s, 50s and 60s, ages when women are typically going through some stage of their menopause transition.  The number of women in the UK alone that are going through the menopause at any given time, is estimated to be around 3 million, a significant proportion of the population. It will be replicated in many other countries around the world. You are not alone.  

Navigating the unknowns of menopause tests relationships.

It’s not good or bad. It just is. It can be both super challenging and hugely growthful. It’s how you come out the other end that is the unknown. 

We know that during the pandemic, more marriages ended than was the norm. Endings, though painful at first, can also bring new joy and adventure, especially if you have been struggling for years with menopause symptoms and less-than-ideal communication with your partner. 

Menopause changes a woman’s brain. She is rewired for change.   

Is the challenge communication? Sex? Both or more?   

Well, it honestly depends on who you are and who you ask! 

Marriages rarely need to come to an end if there is still trust and love as this can often be reignited by talking, counselling, and opening up discussions about the root of the problems. For couples that have been together for a long time, marriage can simply become stale.  

We often hear from menopausal women “I don’t feel like myself” and from men, “she’s not the woman I married”. Well, of course not, she’s a hotter version and maybe you’re not the man she married either. Point to self. 

Hormones change, families change, careers change, people change and relationships change as we grow older. Women face a whole host of issues as their bodies change that require support, patience, communication and understanding. 

Don’t assume menopausal women need fixing.

Sometimes they simply need to be listened to and understood, not offered solutions. A fabulous question for a struggling menopausal woman is, “What do you need me to do?”  

What your partner might be trying to say, is that they don’t understand you, and do not know why you have changed. Men are fixers by nature, and if they can’t fix something they feel pretty useless. Changes in mood, libido and energy can be taken personally.

This is exactly why we should not shut men out of the menopause conversation. 

The many changes menopause brings for a woman’s body & mind have a huge influence on relationships, confidence and sense of self.  Weight gain is very common. Imagine what it’s like to suddenly realise the habits and practices that used to help you are no longer working? There is a loss of control.

Remember 80% of women will struggle with menopausal symptoms.  

A recent study by the Newson Health Clinic in the UK, one of the leading centers for menopause support and education, commented:  

Only a third of all the women surveyed said they had been offered treatment or HRT to relieve their symptoms. However, most thought getting support or treatment could have potentially saved their marriage.  

So, what was my story?

It was 2020 and I was living in the hills of Wales, Covid hit and so did lockdown. Unknown to me, perimenopause had also arrived. Mood swings, lack of confidence, frustration, anxiety, loss of libido, sleep deprivation and temperature fluctuations had all done their bit, along with the inability to flee the country and travel. 

Ladies, we need to talk - not just to our girlfriends.

We need support from qualified experts and women who have been there. It takes a village.   

I was lucky. I started a 1-2-1 Transformational Coaching Program with Meno Collective. I worked on my emotional and physical symptoms. I opened up to the conversation about everything from nutrition and exercise to communication and emotion, as well as sex and relationships. 

These days I am not married to that person anymore and I’m 100% happier.

Mostly because I understand what happened to my mind & body was beyond my control, part of the midlife change and I also learnt a whole set of tools on how to deal with the changes. I’m now living in another country with a new love, travelling the world full-time and healthier, happier and stronger than ever in my life. 

Menopause happens to all of us. Relationships transition too.

We change and not always in the way we expected. There can be loss and grief. Sometimes we grow with our relationship and sometimes we grow out of it.  

It doesn’t have to be as drastic a change as I made, it is all about choice. DO what is right for you.  

What can you do? (Tips for men and women) 

1. Knowledge is power. It’s important that women are informed and supported through their menopause transition. The earlier, the better. Track and treat menopause symptoms. You can access our symptom checklist and tips here.  Be uncompromising in seeking and accepting high quality personalised care to treat your menopause symptoms. Make sure you understand side effects of medication – for example anti-depressants can decrease sexual desire.  It’s important to understand men experience testosterone changes (more gradually) which can affect libido, moods and sexual performance.  
2. It’s on both of you to stay curious. Learn more about menopause. Encourage your partner to do some research. Get honest about your communication and make it a top priority. Be ready to tell your partner what you need them to do. Consider a relationship counsellor or sex therapist (like Dr Jane who works with our Meno Collective clients).  Midlife is stressful and when communication feels like the last thing you want to do – it means you need it the most.   
3. Try a marriage sabbatical.  Described by Mia Freedman as “outstanding” it could be well worth a punt. The sabbatical is time out from your marriage to take a breather and get some space. It’s like a vacation or even long service leave from your marriage. 20,000 Australian couples divorced following the pandemic, not all of us want to be locked in a house with our other half for months on end. 

Written by Beck Walsh