Mind Reader

A few weeks ago, my husband was telling his counselor about a few challenging conversations that he and I have had lately. She listened, as she does so well, and then matter-of-factly said to him "Sounds like you and your wife are reading each other's minds a lot. Stop it."

We both trust Susan. Rich often shares with me about his conversations with her, and as we process through them together, we often see tremendous growth.

And, we've come to expect deceptively simple statements like this one that feel like a punch in the gut.

A few days later, he found an article that talked about just this topic. Despite how good we think we are at it, we, as humans, are actually really bad at reading each others' minds.

I was especially shocked at the statistics cited in the article about how, even when we've known someone for a long time (like our spouse), our mind reading attempts don't get any more accurate.

Confession time: I have prided myself that I can "tell" what others are feeling or thinking. I've called myself "empathetic." I read all the non verbals, the language cues, the speech patterns, and then I deduce what others are thinking. And I thought I was pretty good at it.

But, Susan's statement, in the context of these challenging conversations my husband and I have been having, as well as some other introspection I've been doing, gave me a nudge to reevaluate.

I re-watched this video from Brene Brown that talks about empathy and what it is. I've watched it about a thousand times as I used to use it in training sessions. And, as I watched and listened this time, I was struck by the four characteristics of empathy that she highlights. One being that "empathy drives connection."

I have believed that my empathy skills are my most important tool in lots of conflict situations. But, too often, these conversations or situations don't lead to true connection. They might be resolved, sometimes as an "agree to disagree". Other times, they end in a stubborn stalemate. But often, I've started to recognize, they lead to negative self talk and disconnection. Uh-oh.

What's going on here?

Simplistically, being empathic does not mean we are mind readers. And while I believe we can often tell that someone is upset, or nervous, or angry, the revelation here is that it does not mean that we really know why they are feeling that way, or what additional thoughts or feelings that might lead them to.

Many times, though, I convince myself that I know exactly why someone said what they said or did what they did or looked the way they looked. And, it's usually not favorable. Somehow I take it personally; take offense; feel rejected or devalued or disregarded.

And although I don't like to admit this, I sometimes assume and then decide what someone was thinking or feeling without ever seeing or talking to them. You probably do this too. We all do.

A friend posts a tribute on social media, calling out important people who have made an impact on her life. She doesn't mention me. Surely, that means she isn't grateful for my impact. She doesn't see me as important. She doesn't even see me as a good friend.

My husband quickly wolfs down a dinner I worked all day cooking. He yawns and says how tired he is. He doesn't want to help with the dishes. He's not grateful for the work I put into the meal -- if he was, he'd jump up and take the lead to clean up.

There's an important meeting coming up to decide the future strategy of the business. You don't get invited. They don't think your input is valuable. You aren't as integral of a player as you thought you were. Maybe you should just resign.

I walk into a room of strangers. They are clustered in groups of 2-3 and no one looks over when I walk in. No one here wants to talk to me. They all know each other. I don't belong here. They don't want me here.

How many times did I assume some of disliked, abandoned, insulted, ignored, undervalued, or disregarded me? Why have I not stopped to ask and listen to truly understand what they think or believe?

I know I'm not the only one that goes to these very negative places. These selfish places where we believe someone's decisions have anything to do with us. These places where we read all the signals and assume we understand others' deeper motivations and thoughts.

This is so damaging to our joy.

Not only does it lead us into a destructive pattern of negative self talk, as seen in the examples above, but it also destroys intimacy and connection.

When we assume and then decide that someone is thinking or feeling something about us - especially something negative, we don't create connection. We create division, distance, separation. We rob ourselves, and the other person, from a genuine connection. From truly understanding each other. From intimacy. We can't know someone by deciding for ourselves what they think and feel and believe.

Not loving ourselves, and not enjoying connection and intimacy with others are in direct opposition to experiencing joy.

Empathy is valuable in relationships and in business. But, let's stop deciding what others are thinking. It's not taking us anywhere productive. It's not leading to connection. It's where empathy ends and mind reading begins.

Let's use our empathy to listen and feel with someone, but not to jump to deduce what they believe or think. Let's stop personalizing what we observe in someone else. Let's instead ask more questions. Listen longer and accept as truth when they tell us what they are thinking or feeling.

We accept others when we know we are accepted by our Father. We forgive fully when we've received forgiveness from our Father. We love out of an abundance of being loved by our Father.

And we can experience this acceptance, forgiveness, and love in our relationships with others when we empathize, but not when we cross the line and fancy ourselves mind readers.

Papa, I thank you for the gift of empathy. Thank you that we can listen and feel with others, and create connection and intimacy. Thank you that you want this connection and intimacy with each of us. Forgive me for times I've selfishly decided what others think or believe for them. I pray for the self control and humility to withhold my own assumptions and beliefs. Papa, give me a deep curiosity and thirst to seek true understanding and connection. Thank you that you'd listen to me all day and have given me the free will to think for myself, and help me to extend that same gift to others.