Miscarriage - my journey and how it redefined me

This week is baby loss awareness week. October 2022, I found out I was pregnant. October 2021, I also found out I was pregnant. I have wanted to write about my experience to hopefully support others and encourage a conversation and awareness on a stigmatised topic. However, I found the thought of doing so without a healthy baby in my arms too hard to face. 

Where to start? Miscarriage is a topic that needs to be discussed more openly and thankfully there has been increased awareness in the last few years but more needs to be done with the statistic that '1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage’. Once I opened up about my experience to others, it felt like that statistic was higher as many more shared they had also had one or more miscarriages. Perhaps we are being more open and so it feels more common?

As I mentioned above, October 2021 I found out I was pregnant and on the 11th December 2021, we heard that numbing phrase “I’m really sorry there is no heartbeat”. It’s genuinely a feeling you cannot describe nor imagine unless you have been through it. Our whole world was crushed in an instant. So many questions, so many thoughts, so many feelings. 

As you process all these feelings, the desires and dreams you had of being a parent, what you imagined for your baby, you can’t imagine coming out the other side. People will be well meaning but say unhelpful things; “It wasn’t really a baby at that stage”, “Everything happens for a reason”, “You can try again”. I didn’t have the energy at the time to say that’s not ok although in hindsight, I wish I did because it’s a learning process for them. Some of us have had the "oh don’t you want kids". Now I respond with "yes we do, we had a miscarriage last year". 🙃

It was hard to see babies in the park, on the TV, on the train, they were suddenly everywhere. It was hard to see and hear pregnancy announcements, turn up to baby showers with a brave face. Without loss, we often people please and this is when that needs to go out the window. If you’re not up to things, don’t force yourself. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions, triggering you at any point and looking after yourself is the priority. Your loved ones will understand. 

I wanted to write this article to share what was useful for me post miscarriage in the hope that it may help others too. Down the line I’ll share what helped me with pregnancy after loss because that’s another journey. Experiencing a miscarriage is different for everyone but I’m sharing a few things that helped me process the loss:

• Speaking to people who had gone through the same journey. For me, this meant those who experienced a miscarriage as their first experience of motherhood. Unfortunately our first attempt of motherhood was robbed from us and ultimately it will never be the same, just different
• Podcasts - The Miscarriage Hope podcast
• Books - The Miscarriage Map
• Talking: everyone is different but for me this helped 
• Not forgetting my partner: we went through this together and often men don’t get the support they need when they experience this loss
• Momento: we bought a candle to light on the 7th day of every month that year to remember our baby. Seeded Hope - I bought a beautiful bracelet with a Forget me not seed (the seed of loss)
• Time: allow yourself time to process, time to heal 

The loss I experienced was life altering for me. It gave me a different perspective and I am forever grateful that I now have a baby girl. I am thankful for organisations such as Tommy’s charity who dedicate their time to research on miscarriages and have been able to support so many families. I am also grateful for having the ability to speak up. Without sharing with a friend, I would not have found out the research on progesterone and how taking it during early pregnancy could prevent another miscarriage. My friend who also had a miscarriage, went on to have a successful pregnancy taking it and so did I. We can’t say if this was the specific reason and I’ll delve into it further in another article but I feel it made a difference. From an anxiety perspective, taking progesterone every day up until approximately 20 weeks allowed me to feel I was playing a part in having a successful pregnancy. 

If you’re struggling, it’s likely someone else has too and if you feel comfortable, there’s no time pressure, share your story. You don’t know what you’ll learn!

I saw this quote yesterday: “Grief will come in waves and stages but it will be with you for your whole life”. The loss that I experienced redefined me and gave me a new perspective that I’ll always have. 

There is global wave of light this Sunday at 7pm where you can light a candle in memory of the babies who lit up our lives for such a short time. You can read more here.