Pregnancy After Loss Awareness Month

TW: miscarriage

As promised, I said I would follow up with an article on this and with March marking Pregnancy After Loss Awareness Month, it seems like the perfect time.

Pregnancy After Loss conjured up a range of mixed emotions for me:

• You want to be happy…

…but it feels daunting

• It takes you back to the loss you had…

…will this time be different?

• Can I enjoy this journey…

….will I get a baby at the end?

Describing pregnancy after loss is challenging because it entails a multitude of emotions, and each person's experience can vary greatly.

For me, it was particularly triggering to get pregnant the exact same month, a year later. Would I feel the same? Would we make it beyond December?

I wanted to write this article to share what helped me navigate the pregnancy:

1. An absolute bible for me was a book from Zoe-Clarke Coates MBE  'Pregnancy After Loss' 

This day-by-day book was curated to help navigate those who had suffered a loss previously, with the tumultuous emotions, serve as a guide to not only survive the next 9 months, but also enjoy them. With diary entries from mums, how to process your grief and important milestones, it slowly allowed me to believe this could happen. Including a pregnancy advent, I appreciated the ability to colour in each week of pregnancy to track progress, although for some, this feature may induce anxiety.

2. Therapy

I have been seeing a therapist since 2019, and she has been on the whole journey with me from the miscarriage to finding out I was pregnant again, pregnancy, and now, post-birth. Reflecting and being able to talk through challenges and feelings allowed me to enjoy my pregnancy.

3. Rules/Boundaries

The 'Miscarriage Map' book included a section where you write down what you are leaving behind with this loss and what you are taking forward if you get pregnant again. This is very specific to the individual, but the most important one for me was 'NO GOOGLING.' How? You ask. It was very hard, and I had one relapse which made me realise why I could not allow myself to spiral on Mumsnet. This leads me nicely on to…

4. Better Births London | Midwives in your pocket

Leila Zahedi and Katie - literally the midwives in my pocket. Recommended by a friend, I knew that if I were to get pregnant again, Google was being ditched and ANY, I mean any question, was going to Leila and Katie. I signed up for a package that allowed me to have access to two incredible midwives, 7 days a week, with unlimited support via WhatsApp and teaching material throughout to prepare me and my husband for the birth. This was a game-changer for me and in my top two must-haves for those who are wanting advice/reassurance and often a needed second opinion.

5. Hypnobirthing course with Elise Tobias at The Birth Bubble

I had heard of hypnobirthing and knew a few people who spoke highly of the courses they went on, but nothing prepared me for the sheer amount of knowledge my husband and I would get from Elise. We did the two-day course and learnt more about pregnancy, birth, and my anatomy than you would learn anywhere else. It prepared us, both husband and I (very importantly) for one of life’s most important moments. More than anything, I was going into this journey equipped with a toolkit (relaxation techniques, affirmations, knowledge of birthing options, informed consent) to handle different situations as they unfolded.

Hypnobirthing was transformative for us. My husband even said that I was the calmest I have ever been when I was pregnant, which post-loss can seem unfathomable. I am so grateful for Elise as she prepared me to make informed decisions on my pregnancy and my labour, which turned out to be such an empowering experience, and we got our beautiful natural water birth.

My last takeaway for anyone reading this is that everyone is different. Every body, pregnancy, and baby is different. Don't compare your journey to others. Just know that you are the one in control. We can often go into medical settings, waiting for the experts to tell us everything and we follow. Educate yourself and do the learning. You do not have to do anything you are told. It is your baby, your body, and your decision.