More years in good health, part 5: keeping good company more often than not

This is the penultimate section of this opinion series on how to boost the number of years you spend in good health. In this section I provide an account of what might be effective mental frameworks to nurture meaningful social bonds that promote healthy lifespan and stave off pre-mature mental degeneration.

It is worth noting that despite huge advances in medicine to prevent mortality from physical morbidity, that success has not necessarily translated across to morbidity driven by mental illness.

There is no shortage of reminders as to the importance of being rich in quality, social connections in relation to good health. Nonetheless, I’ll share some.

• Alzheimer’s society reports that I n 2020, Covid-19 contributed to a 17% increase in Alzheimer’s and dementia deaths
• According to the CDC, social isolation is associated with a 50% increased risk of dementia
• CDC research also shows that poor social relationships is associated with a 29% increased risk of heart disease and 32% increased risk of stroke

Enhancing the quality of your social life appears to be truly a life-or-death consideration. We must also understand the nuance between social isolation and loneliness.

Loneliness is the feeling of being alone, regardless of the amount of social contact. Social isolation is a lack of social connections. Volume does not equal quality, and reducing social isolation alone, is insufficient.

Below I offer my account on what might help you to strive for deeper, more meaningful bonds within your social circles.

1) Show vulnerability. Vulnerability is the single most disarming and inspiring quality you can demonstrate to a friend or relative. It signals that you trust that person and declares that you are sharing a psychologically safe space. Showing somebody, you trust them is the easiest way to invite them to trust you. People tend to mirror the behaviours they see. By extension, it signals to them that it is safe for them to also be vulnerable with you. When two people are being vulnerable, and share trust, it dramatically increases the chances of having meaningful conversations that boost intimacy. Critically, it prevents time spent having conversations that actively discourage intimacy, like small talk.  

2) Be authentic. People are drawn to authenticity. We have an easier time being authentic as we age and become less worried about people’s perceptions of us. Note how important it feels as a child to have the same, latest pair of shoes as your classmates. In fact, we optimise for standing out the least possible for fear of rejection. As we age however, we learn to appreciate (and look to spend more time with) people who are brave enough to be authentic, overcoming social norms. In a world full of posturing, enabled and encouraged by social media, authenticity and high self-esteem feels fresh and alluring. Aside from increasing the pool of people who might want to interact with you, authenticity also ensures you are attracting people you are truly compatible with. The closer our projected identity is to our actual identity, the more time we are able to spend being true to ourselves, with people who appreciate us for who we truly are.  

3) Seek out relationships when you least need them. I contend that people should seek out relationships when they are feeling content in their own skin. Relationships that spawn out of need are, in my opinion, bound to expire, or in some cases, survive by feeding off their host (you). In other words, friendships that emerge in response to you not feeling like you are enough (not attractive enough, not wealthy, or intelligent enough) will either keep you in that state of low self-esteem or break once you are able to independently stand on two feet. These bonds are insidious in nature, however. This means that there is rarely a single, clear reason to break these damaging bonds, making them hard to diagnose and identify. Failure to address them over time can have an incredibly damaging impact on self-esteem and invite an even greater number of poor-quality social connections. The opposite of all of this is also true. When you are experiencing a period in life of contentment with your decisions, you are, I argue, best placed to forge new, meaningful bonds with people. These bonds are far less likely to be lower quality.

4) Overcommunicate and assume best intentions. This is simple to understand (not practise). People are notoriously awful at communicating with each other. We struggle to make ourselves understood, and due to our poor ability to empathise (despite what we may think), we also do a poor job of understanding others. It seems logical then to adopt a stance where you are more explicit about the way somebody or something has made you feel. This of course takes courage, but it is worthwhile. In addition, given that we will not fully understand what drives our loved ones to act in the way they have, we are well-advised to assume best intentions from people we generally accept have our best interests at heart. It’s a wilful blind faith we need to prevent the type of friction that can erode the fabric of relationships. Of course, conflict and friction are an opportunity to strengthen bonds and reset relationships.

5) Have a modest expectation of gratitude. Simply put, do things because you feel it is the right thing to do, as opposed to doing it because you think somebody is watching or because it might earn you a reward. Being compensation driven is in our nature. However, in the context of building better social connections, it can be damaging to have a big expectation that a friend will express gratitude in a fashion that matches your standard. Time and time again, I have observed friendships being undermined by one person feeling snubbed by the response of another when one has extended what they deemed to be a generous offering, worthy of deep praise and recognition. It seems most of us are bad at expressing gratitude but quick to expect it from others. If you disagree with this, consider that it would be logically impossible for so many people to feel let down by friends if everyone was as good at expressing gratitude as they thought they were.

6) Set boundaries. It is neither wise nor possible to give ourselves fully and evenly to all life’s demands consistently over time. Our energy is finite, and it must be protected. Time spent practising self-care is an indirect investment in the quality of our social connections. It is my contention that having meaningful interactions and experiences with our social circles starts with saying ‘no’ more often than we tend to. This goes hand in hand with the importance of having tough conversations to intentionally sculpt the type of relationship you share. By saying no and not rejecting conflict, we increase the likelihood of bringing our best self to invitations we accept. I feel strongly that nothing increases resentment and erodes disposition more than feeling like we are consistently prioritising other things over our own wellbeing. It can be hard to say no because of how it might be perceived. However, if we get better at framing why we are saying no, “it’s because I’m saving myself for your big birthday event in a month”, we will find it is taken as a compliment more than a snub, thereby promoting quality interactions that boost intimacy with our connections.

I certainly do not practise the above as effectively as I should, but I hope this piece has served as a helpful reminder of the importance of quality social interactions and offered some thought-provoking insights on how to cultivate them.