My Coming Out Story - Or the One That Mattered to Me

Coming out is a funny thing. Not haha funny, but funny in that it’s not just one defining moment when you declare “hey world, I’m gay” and then never have to repeat those words again. 

There's no big trumpet announcement everyone hears. For me and I’m sure for most others, explicitly coming out happened during multiple periods of my life and to multiple audiences. I came out to friends I made while attending a liberal arts college in early 90’s, post-college friends back in Houston, high school friends I reconnected with later in life, and to first job acquaintances. And, of course, I came out to my parents – Filipino immigrants who each took their flavor of gumption to make it over to Texas in the late 1960’s. My late dad as a steward in the U.S. Coast Guard and my mom as an entry level accountant at Arthur Young accounting who later met via the matchmaking of the small, Filipino community in Houston and Galveston.

It was December 1998. I was 26 and three years into my career in Houston's energy industry. I had started to meet gay folks, but my maturity was more like a 16-year old high school student than a mid 20s professional. I wanted to let my parents know that I was gay; that in time I would go from being perennially single to someone who would one day be married with a dog and in the process of adopting a baby. I would want to share that info with my parents, so I thought it was time to come clean, to let them know there would not be a future Mrs. Vinluan joining la familia.

 So for Christmas, I treated them and my younger sis to a performance of the musical Sunset Boulevard [ok big clue for those wondering how they could possibly not already know] starring, in her return, 60’s legend Petula Clark. After the show, as we cozied up in the booths at the local IHOP, and before any Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity could be eaten, I started into my spiel, which of course I practiced like I was about to give a speech at the UN. I had told my sister what I was going to do earlier that day, hoping her supportive face smile help me get over any fears. I started, and before I could get very far, and anticipating whatever objectives I had thought would come out of their mouths, I got, well, a different reaction:

Mom: I knew it. You know, son, I will always be supportive.

Dad: I am very comfortable around gay people. When I was younger and selling lottery tickets on the streets of Manila [true], I had many friends who dressed as ladies. Are you going to dress as a lady?  [I resisted the temptation to explain the difference between gay, drag and trans.]

And so it went. And even though that conversation was tough, any moments of amusement in my recollection helped soften the consternation and tension that was felt that night. What followed wasn’t always smooth sailing. It took them a bit to understand how not to trigger their always-gay, now out-to-them son. And I had to make sure I remembered that my parents were trying, that they just wanted the best for their kids and they were trying to grapple with how. But whatever stress this caused, it was still a huge relief to no longer to have to cover up this big part of me and my life goals (of having a husband and family one day).

Twenty years later, I’m grateful to be in an organization that takes Diversity, Inclusion and Belonging so seriously. Although I sometimes wish that the comfort I feel in my skin today I had when I was a Texas teen, I’m grateful to understand what it’s like to shield one’s true self — and to later free oneself of that burden. I use this understanding in my role as a leader of a team of talented Client Solutions Managers and as global co-chair of our Employee Resource Group out@in. Here I’m given the privilege to be able to help mold our environment, where people can hopefully reveal their full selves so they don’t feel a need to spend energy “covering”, and hopefully, if I’m successful, I can do what Rosanna Durruthy, Head of Global Diversity, Inclusion, and Belonging at LinkedIn, said during her LEDA remarks earlier this year:

One of the most powerful things we create is the space for others to prevail, a space for others to show their gifts and talents, and the space for people around us to have what [we] would call the opportunity to demonstrate their excellence