My Corona Experience

Was it work? Was it a stranger passing me by? Was it the studio recording? Was it my 12-year-old and her viral fever that lasted more than a week? Was it a momentary carelessness on my part? Or my husband’s cautious trip to the mall for buying the girls their shoes? 

What was it that breached my bubble, got under my defences and got me by my throat literally? The care, caution and all the precautions since March 2020 had finally come to naught. I had the Corona virus.  

 Perhaps yours was a similar experience at that time or later. Perhaps you have yet to go through it. Whether you are a Corona veteran or have somehow not had the infection, thought of the entire corona experience can be overwhelming and scary. Whether you have travelled this path or yet to, we are all fellow travellers.  From the struggle and the overwhelming experience of it all bloomed into the creation of new thoughts, new patterns and dare I say it, a new purpose.  

As I look back on the Corona illness and the entirety of its experience, it has been transformative. Today (January 2022) we again appear poised on the brink of yet another wave. I know I will ride out this tsunami easier because of the lessons learned from the previous one. Lessons learned and refreshed in both gratitude and in mindfulness. Lessons learned in earning better health and fitness. Lessons revisited in time management and priorities.  

 Becoming Aware – I was aware of what needed to be done. I was far more in touch with my physical needs than ever. Since I pride myself on being mindful, at least most of the time, this heightened awareness took me by surprise. Each need was distinct and clear even through the fuzziness of medication and fatigue. I was in tune with myself. Whether it was the worry and need to keep my children safe or the surge of compassion for everyone suffering the havoc wreaked by the pandemic or the physical sensations of hunger and fatigue. I was in touch with myself. I was sharply mindful.  And so, the first lesson in mindfulness, that of being aware unfolded. 

Acceptance - The first two days of a mild fever had me confused. The mind kept rejecting the obvious. Acceptance that I was now infected with the Corona virus. Yet, only with acceptance could the road to recovery be traversed. Only when I accepted the infection for what it was, I was compelled to find the right solutions via the right doctor and the right treatment. Acceptance is always key to healing from what is or was wrong, a disappointment, a hurt or a loss. It allows us to move forward towards solutions, towards remedies and even opportunities. 

Living in the Moment – Whether it was the weakness and fatigue induced by both the infection and its very aggressive treatment, my focus was always on the moment. To sleep when tiredness hit irrespective of the time. To eat when hunger loomed. To quench my unending thirst with the healthiest possible options. To take the medicines per schedule.  There was no squandering of energy and even focus. I have always thought that a dancer’s carefully choreographed steps are the perfect example of living in the moment. Corona virus choreographed mine and I relearnt to live in the moment. 

Choosing Responsibility – My mentor Dr. Daisaku Ikeda wrote, many years ago, “your health is your responsibility alone”. These words are deeply impressed upon my mind. I have tried, with varying degrees of honesty and success, to take responsibility for my health. Physically, mentally, financially and spiritually. While I have succeeded to a point, there is much yet to be done. My days in quarantine ensured that I revisited this context of my life. It is time to choose to be responsible for rebuilding my physical health and strength. With greater honesty to myself. Holding back on patterns that so casually allowed for overeating or just adding that spoonful of sugar to that cup of tea. 

A friend reminded me from a Landmark piece of literature, “Responsibility is a grace you give yourself – an empowering context that leaves you with a say in the matter of life”.

 Clarity of Purpose - In my workshops and my talks across the globe, I have always emphasized the fact that mindfulness always brings about a new clarity of purpose, and becomes a reflection point for new goals.  And while many of those who recover from major illnesses have a similar journey, in my case Corona helped me to eliminate the unnecessary from my thoughts and in choosing my purpose. I did away with unnecessary conversations on the phone, exited many Whatsapp chats and groups, and gotten a firmer grip on using my time. This is not really the result of great will power or great self-discipline but an understanding and acceptance of what is important for my wellbeing. A new commitment to myself. 

I have long practiced journaling and especially keeping my gratitude journal. Thanksgiving is more than an American landmark. It has, for long, been my way of life. Yet each day in isolation allowed me to focus more and more on the many blessings of my life. I was grateful for each day spent recovering at home and not in the hospital, isolated from my family and in the impersonal dorms that pass for Corona recovery rooms and even worse, I was not in the ICU. I was grateful to my close friend for recommending a wonderful doctor, grateful indeed to the wonderful doctor for his timely, correct and aggressive treatment. My gratitude knew no bounds as my husband too recovered. And as phone calls and messages flowed from family and friends about our well-being and each one was an encouragement to get well and recover. As many stories about losses of loved ones and the spiraling numbers in the country reached me each day, I offered thanks not just for our recovery but the recovery of millions around.  

 A new realisation hit me – mindfulness will invariably lead to gratitude. Even as gratitude needs mindfulness. Without being mindful and aware, it will be truly hard to express and experience gratitude. For instance, if I am not mindful of having had a close shave while driving, I am unlikely to experience gratitude for having been saved from a near accident. Or when I take my husband’s thoughtfulness for granted and even overlook it, I cannot be thankful or grateful for it. 

 Mindfulness is then not a hyper alertness, but a state of awareness. Of noticing details and gestures. The seeming disconnection of events is something to be examined and not accepted. If I had not reached out to my friend for her doctor’s reference and if she had withheld it, I may have taken much longer to recover or even not at all. The seemingly obvious isn’t really. Life is a matrix of connectedness. Mindfulness acknowledges this. Gratitude is our thankfulness towards this connectedness.