Navigating the Likeability Trap

Expectations can be a dangerous thing in the workplace. People — especially those from marginalized groups — who do not show up in the world as others expect can be punished by being held back. Unfortunately, meeting those people’s expectations often means holding yourself back in an attempt to please others.

The above paradox is described as the likability trap by Alicia Menendez, who is an MSNBC host and the creator of the Latina to Latina podcast. She is also the author of The Likability Trap: How to Break Free and Succeed as You Are. Menendez sat down with LinkedIn News Editor Andrew Seaman for the latest episode of Get Hired with Andrew Seaman. The two talked about the likability trap and how people can navigate today’s workplaces and job market. 

You can hear Alicia on the latest episode of Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on Apple Podcasts or wherever you like to listen.

Do you have a job search or career question for Andrew? Email us at gethired@linkedin.com. He may answer your question on a future episode!

Transcript: Navigating the Likeability Trap

Andrew: From LinkedIn News, this is Get Hired, a podcast for the ups and downs of our professional lives. I'm Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's senior news editor for job searches and careers. Each week on Get Hired, we talk about leveling up. Sometimes we talk about finding work. Other times we talk about excelling where you are right now and through it all, we focus on how to stay true to yourself in the process.

 You may have noticed that a lot of the advice about getting hired or getting ahead in your career is individualistic. In other words, it's on you. You didn't get that promotion. Here's what you should do next time to make it happen. You didn't get that interview. Here's how to stand out even more. The problem with that kind of “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” rhetoric is that it ignores all the structural inequalities in our society, from the government and in our workplaces. One of the most insidious factors working against job seekers, especially women and people from underrepresented groups is the intangible idea of likability. How many times have you heard someone say, “I just don't like them,” even if the person is incredibly qualified? Some people may call it a gut feeling, but when you dig into it, what does it actually mean to be likable? Could it just be that likability is in the eye of the beholder? Okay. Spoiler alert. We're not going to solve this likability issue in this podcast, but we can at least talk openly about its role in our careers. Fortunately, we have a great guide in today's guest, Alicia Menendez. She's an MSNBC host, creator and host of the Latina to Latina Podcast, and author of the book, The Likability Trap: How to Break Free and Succeed As You Are. Alicia joined me to dig into how we can navigate all sorts of likability biases as we grow our careers. But first I had to ask her: what got her thinking about likability? Here's Alicia.

Alicia: I am a person who cares very much about being well liked. I think there are a number of reasons for that. I am a Cancer. I am an INFJ, if you've ever taken Myers-Briggs. I am just a really sensitive person who cares about the impact that I have on other people and how other people perceive me. I think you layer onto that, the fact that I am Latina, and as one of the Latinas I interviewed said, “we are raised with a PhD in graciousness.” I'm also a woman living in the United States though across cultures we train girls and women to think of themselves in relation to others. I think a lot of that can be a superpower. I think people should be mindful of how they make other people feel. I think where it becomes a challenge for women is when we become dictated by what other people think of us. So I originally intended to write a book, sort of like Eat Pray Love for likability, where I would do yoga and eat a gelato and learn to care less. What I learned as I interviewed women was that there are a lot of women like me who care very much, but there are also a lot of women out there who don't care. And they too feel they pay a price for being so brazenly themselves because there is an expectation that they should care. This is especially true if they are ambitious, it's especially true if they work in a male-dominated field. And so that key question, “why does this matter for women, and why is it nearly impossible for women to be seen as likable and to be seen as a leader” became so much more interesting to me.

Andrew: Can you also tell us a little bit about sort of how people tend to come up in this likability culture? Because it's obviously not something that necessarily is ingrained naturally as a child – you do want to belong, there is that sort of sense of wanting to be loved and cared for – but there's something much larger in our community, in our culture that basically imposes this on a lot of people to say, it's not just enough to belong. You need to be liked at the same time.

Alicia: Right. And I think there's a question of who you are liked by. So this question comes much more into focus for anyone who is not in the dominant culture, wherever they are. So this is true for a lot of women. It's true for LGBQT folks. It's true for Black Americans, Latino Americans, many of whom are Black, Asian Americans that we run up against this expectation of how we are supposed to show up in the world, and then consequences if we violate the expectation of how someone else expected us to show up. I use gender as the primary lens through which I'm looking at this question. So for women, it tends to show up as something I call the Goldilocks Conundrum: too warm, too cold. A woman is never quite right. So if you show up and you're super competent, super strong in the work that you do, people might say, yeah, she's good at her job, but they might not like you. If you show up the way that we expect women to show up – communal, warm – people might think you are great, everybody loves you, but people don't see you as a leader. It's not like a one time choice where you ask yourself, “do I want to be successful or do I want to be well liked?” It is at every stage of your career, the first time you apply for a job, the first time you ask for a promotion, the first time that you ask for a raise, anytime a woman is advocating for herself, she is doing this mental algorithm of, “is this worth the risk that I'm going to take?”

Andrew: When it comes down to sort of living this reality, do you think that people are waking up to this more or do you think still it's just, most people are like, “oh, this is life and this is what I have to deal with?”

Alicia: I think likability is one of the final acceptable frontiers of bias. I think that we have all been through enough DEI trainings that we know the way we're supposed to interview people. We know the way that we're supposed to manage, but there is this pull towards masking some of those biases as like, “well, I didn't like this person.” “Fit” is something we hear a lot. “This person's just not a fit.” What does that really mean? And what are you really saying when you say that someone's not a fit? I would add to that, that I think social media has exacerbated this question of likability, that there is an element of curation that is going into that presentation of self. And a lot of that ends up measured by likes and whatever you do that is well received by actual likes gets repeated and gets magnified. And so to me, this question of likability is more front and center than it has ever been before.

Andrew: Yeah. That's sort of where I want to start with this because I think there are so many different components, but as a community, as a culture, how do we start addressing this at a societal level? What is your suggestion for someone who says, “I want to help address this in my own little circle”?

Alicia: One of biggest places that this comes up is in feedback and the vast majority of feedback that women get is critical, subjective feedback. Meaning people love to talk to us about how we use our hands and the tone of our voice and how we sit in our chairs and less on our hard skills. And so one of the best pieces of advice that I got during the process of researching for the book was from an executive coach named Catarina Kostula. And she coaches the people she works with, if they're in a feedback session and someone says, “Andrew, you're just too assertive,” that you say “assertive compared to whom?” And then the second piece, which I think is even more useful is to ask, “can you draw a line for me from how you perceive my style, how you perceive me showing up to how it impacts the results of my work,” right? And that that gives the person opportunity. There may be a connection, right? And I may be able to say, “Andrew, I know you pride yourself on being deliberate, but sometimes your deliberation shows up as indecision. Just two weeks ago, we needed to deliver a deck to the client. You couldn't decide the font color you wanted. And we were 48 hours late in our delivery.” Okay. Now you have a really substantial way that you can connect the dots. But I offer that to say it also exists on the flip. It also exists for those of us who are giving feedback, right? Where before you give your feedback to an employee, whether that is casual in the hallway, whether that is formal, inner review that you ask yourself, “am I focusing on this person's results? Does this person deliver? And if they do, but there's something about the way in which they get there that I don't like, is that personal preference or is that actually the way it is impacting the team? And is that actually the way that is impacting the workplace overall?” Societally I also think just coming from a place of curiosity when people say like, “I don't really like that person.” What do you mean? What is it you don't like? What is it about them? And very often guiding people to what is most often the fundamental truth, which is you guys are really different, and your difference is making you uncomfortable. And you need to spend some time sitting with why that is. I'm always looking for glimmers of hope and something that happened during the 2020 election cycle is that when Joe Biden was considering all of his potential vice presidential running mates, ordinarily when people's names are mentioned, they do this thing where they're like, “oh me? Like I would never, like I'm so happy doing the job I'm doing.” And instead this time, I mean, it was all women. It was majority Black women. And I don't recall who started it, but there became a pattern of each of them saying, “yes, I want it and let me tell you why I deserve it and I would be great at it.” And they would add the caveat at the end, “I'll support whomever he chooses, but I would love to do this and I think I'd be great.” And what was notable to me is that that wasn't one person or two people. It was in my memory, all of them. And that to me is the vision we want to get to where people across the board can assert themselves, can assert what they want, can argue for why they deserve it. And that level of ambition and agency is rewarded regardless of who you are.

Andrew: Yeah. This show is obviously for people who are looking to level up in their career and get jobs. How do you bring that down to maybe that level? Obviously, hopefully a lot of people can aspire to be president, vice president and go into politics, but if you're looking to just get a job or maybe a promotion, how do you walk that line?

Alicia: There was a study that I include in The Likability Trap about women in STEM applying for entry level jobs and how women who had very high GPAs often suffered a penalty because people would be like, “well, she's clearly competent but like, is she going to be any fun? She's got a very high GPA in science or engineering–”

Andrew: Nose in the books all the time.

Alicia: Yeah. And which would be one thing if that were true for men and for women, but it was only true for women. There was almost a preference for women who were like mid-level achievers. And I say that because I think we have to know what we're up against when we're going into these interviews, when we're trying to get hired, when we're trying to get promoted. There is a bias against ultra competent women. A thing that I think about, which is this idea that people listen for what is not there. So if someone calls me for a reference check and I say, “hardest worker, super assertive, knows how to manage a team.” What they hear is “she's not warm, she's not likable, she's not going to be fun at the company holiday party,” even though I never say it. So I'm really mindful to fill in those gaps so that there are no assumptions made, so that I say “she is all of these things.” Right. “Here are all the ways in which she is going to perform and she is excellent and she drives results. In addition, she was a joy to work with.” So that you want to create a full picture of who a person is. And to your point about self-advocacy, this to me is very often where a sponsor, an ally, someone who's just rooting for you can step in. It is sometimes hard to toot our own horn to speak, to own our accomplishments, not just out of some sense of humility, but also because there very often is a penalty when you say “I am great, I delivered, here's what I did.”

Andrew: It may be hard to toot your own horn, but remember all those projects you finish, the workflows you put in place, you did that. Toot that horn. When we get back from our break, Alicia breaks down the difference between mentorship and sponsorship.

Andrew: We're back with Alicia Menendez, author of The Likability Trap.

Something I think about this, too, that I wonder, and this is something that I hope companies understand is that when it comes to diversity, that means different things for different groups of people. And when it comes to this likability trap, I'm assuming that gender parity is important obviously, you want to have equal representation within a company, but at the same time, this is something where you actually have to make active choices and active changes because women are sort of ingrained in that liability trap and culture as much as men. So this isn't as simple as saying, “okay, hire equal numbers of women to equal numbers of men,” right? That you have to do more than that.

Alicia: You have to do a lot more than that. And the mandate for all of this has to come from the top, right? You have to actually have leaders who are completely bought into this idea of unconscious bias and the way that bias shows up in everything from your hiring process to who gets promoted internally, to when you sit around a table, who are you actually listening to? I think sponsorship is a big piece of this. A mentor can give you great advice, but that is different than a sponsor who really delivers for you. And sponsorship, when it is baked into an organization, is just so much more powerful than when people are having to seek their own sponsor. Someone who can go to the mat for them, open doors for them, introduce them to people, like all of those things are the things that propel a person's career differently from advice on how you talk or how you use your hands.

Andrew: Sometimes you go into an interview and the vibe is just off. Maybe there's bias at play, or maybe it just seems like the organization won't be a good fit for you. How can you navigate the situation when it seems like your interviewers are pushing you to prove yourself more than you should have to?

Alicia: I struggle with this question a lot. There was one woman I interviewed for the book who kind of like didn't understand the entire premise of the book, because she had always worked at places where she was completely valued. Her skillset was valued. Her style was valued. She was very assertive, very aggressive, but she'd also worked in places where that was exactly what they were looking for from all of their employees. And she said to me that when she is in interviews for jobs, if she gets the tiniest hint that they're not aligned, that they will not value her, she's out, she's done. I have never had that luxury. I work in television, I'm in a field that's pretty narrow. I have had more meetings and interviews where I have felt, “oh, wow, this is going to be… if I am lucky enough to get this job, it is still not going to be a cultural fit, but I don't have that many options.” And so I would love to give everyone the advice that you want to, the second you have the slightest inclination that it is not a fit to let it go. But I don't know how realistic that is for most of us.

Andrew: Yeah. Something that I wonder too, and your book really does a good job of the realistic take on all this, is when it comes down to sort of when to put on maybe a mask and be that likable person, or stepping back from that likability to say, no, I'm not the sweet kind person today. What is your advice for people who have to navigate that in the workplace?

Alicia: As an introvert, this question is very near and dear to my heart, especially as an introvert who people don't perceive as an introvert. And one of the things that I've learned is in those introductory days and weeks when you're onboarding and people are getting to know you is, I try to be very transparent about that in conversation to be like, “well, this is how I am. So I need a lot of quiet time. And I need a lot of time by myself.” Work from home has mitigated a lot of that. So, perhaps I'll answer a slightly different question, which is for someone like me, who cares about being well liked, sometimes that can trump everything else, including my own wellbeing. I once took this management assessment where they were like, well, here's where you are. And then they drew a line to like here's how you're performing at work. And the person who was doing the assessment was like, “you must be exhausted at the end of the day, because you're an introvert who understands that for the purposes of your job, you have to overperform extroversion.” I was like, “I am exhausted at the end of the day. Like, thank you so much for seeing me.” And one of the things that I think can help mitigate all of this is overcommunication and clarity of vision.

Andrew: According to Alicia, that communication can be as simple as saying, “Hey, I need some head-down time today. So I'm going to shut the door.” And that's the beauty of most of Alicia's proposals. When you get down to it, they're not that hard to put into place. So what's her advice for something we can all do today to get results?

Alicia: So if you are the person who is actively seeking a job, I think being aware of the bias that you're going to run into predicated on who you are is an invaluable tool and working from there to mitigate that bias. My bigger takeaway would be that if you are a person who is in a position to be hiring others, that you are reckoning with your own biases and we all have them. No one is without bias. We all like people who share life experiences that we have had, who share personal styles. So really interrogating what it is that you are bringing to the process is absolutely critical. I'll add, though, a third piece, which is that for me, as someone who cares about being well liked, often when I go through a hiring process, if things are not aligning, I make it very personal. I do something that I talk about in the book, which is I ruminate, I think about “was it like the fact that they went to shake my hand, but I'm not shaking hands yet. So I tried to elbow bump?” “Was it the fact that I dressed in all black and they wanted me to be…” Like, I could go 100 rounds of what is it I did, in what way was I terribly awkward that set this whole thing off? And the truth is a lot of the time it has nothing to do with us. And one of the things that I have gained, the older I've gotten, the longer I have been in the workforce, the more television pilots I have done is that it very rarely has to do with me, Alicia Menendez, mother of two, wife of one, daughter of Union City, New Jersey. It has to do with what they needed, the other people who were in contention, and the way those chips fell in that moment. And it is much less personal than I am inclined to make it be. And so, if you are listening and you are the type of person who like me, puts your head on the pillow at night and revisits every awkward encounter you've had with the day and blames yourself for each of those awkward encounters, I just want to remind you, it probably had absolutely nothing to do with you. And of all the things you carry from today, like let that go.

Andrew: No, I completely agree. So thank you so much for all of your advice, Alicia.

Alicia: Thank you, Andrew.

Andrew: That was Alicia Menendez, host of the Latina to Latina Podcast and author of The Likability Trap. One surefire way to get me to like you? Send us a career question to gethired@linkedin.com. Andrew's Mailbag – the name is a work in progress – starts next week. And I can't wait to dig into everything you want to know to get a new job and to get ahead in your career. Remember, it's up to you to put our advice into practice. Still, you always have a community backing you up and cheering you on. Connect with me and the Get Hired community on LinkedIn to continue the conversation. You can also join my weekly Get Hired live show every Friday at noon, Eastern time on the LinkedIn News page. And if you like this episode, leave us a rating on Apple Podcasts. It helps people like you find the show. And of course, we'll continue this conversation next week, right here, wherever you like to listen. Get Hired is a production of LinkedIn News. The show is produced by Michele O'Brien. Joe DiGiorgi mixed our show. Florencia Iriondo is head of original audio and video. Dave Pond is head of news production. Dan Roth is the editor in chief of LinkedIn and I'm Andrew Seaman. Until next time, stay well and best of luck.