A Neighborly Take on Masculinity

by Dale Grant

I’m regularly humbled by the Kids DIY Workshops at Lowe’s. The closest I come to bringing home six figures is whatever vintage Ninja Turtles I can find on eBay. I tear up every time Mr. Feeney delivers his farewell advice on the last episode of Boy Meets World. My automotive interests rarely move past Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars. I’d rather have a margarita than a beer, and I’ve broken every lawnmower I’ve ever owned and my yard still kind of looks like crap. I’ve never seen The Wolf of Wall Street, my wardrobe typically consists of Hawaiian shirts over t-shirts featuring my favorite cartoon characters. I value empathy and kindness over aggression and ambition. I’ll admit when I’m wrong, I see my wife as an equal partner (even though my name isn’t on the Costco card), and I have no problem being emotionally vulnerable. Yet, I’ve never questioned my masculinity.

The term “toxic masculinity” stems from a narrow view of what it means to be a man, like being the tough guy who never cries, the breadwinner who doesn’t ask for help, or the alpha who asserts dominance in every situation. It’s the belief that you have to drink a certain drink, avoid certain interests, or dress a certain way to be considered “manly.” The topic of toxic masculinity can put a lot of guys on the defensive because they feel it’s a critique of any interest or attribute traditionally associated with being a man. But that’s not what calling out toxic masculinity is about. It’s about shattering the illusion that there’s only one narrow definition of masculinity, not questioning the manhood of someone who doesn’t fit into some outdated mold. True masculinity isn’t about condemning traditional examples of manliness; it’s about recognizing that these aren’t the only ways to be a man. You can still hold your head high while embracing a broader, more inclusive view of masculinity.

Now, before you roll your eyes at another guy with a blog, hear me out. I may not have all the answers, but I’ve got, what I think, is  a take on what it means to be a man—or just a decent human being. And to explain it, I’m turning to a surprising yet rock-solid example of masculinity: Daniel Tiger, Sr.

For those of you who are not Daniel Tiger Fans, Daniel Tiger, Sr. is the grown-up version of the beloved puppet from the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, a regular segment of the iconic Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.

In the second season, the Neighborhood experiences a storm that causes significant damage. The four-year-old Daniel is understandably upset, and his ever-steady father consoles him by breaking down their priorities as they address the situation. I’m gonna paraphrase the hell out of this, but I think it’s a good roadmap for approaching masculinity.

Take Care of Yourself

Taking care of yourself—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually—is essential. If you do not take care of yourself, you won’t be able to take care of others. 

Physically, this means prioritizing your health. Does that mean spending every waking moment at the gym or only eating what bare-chested douchebags in grocery stores on TikTok tell you to? No. But it does mean being active and making an effort to be aware of what you’re eating. Avoid letting addiction to drugs and alcohol run your life.

Taking care of your mental health can mean creating a proper work-life balance, setting boundaries, and limiting negative influences. It can mean reaching out for help before you reach a boiling point or taking time for yourself when you need it. Keeping mental health a priority can feel difficult when we have so many obligations, but it’s a vital part of every man’s duty to himself.

Prioritizing your emotional health might rub against the grain of those who have a narrow, misbegotten view of masculinity  but it’s a crucial pillar of taking care of yourself. Recognizing that your emotions are valid and processing them is an important part of true masculinity. Repressing our emotions as we’ve been taught hasn’t been good for us. It’s not good for our health, our relationships, or our ability to be better partners, fathers, teammates, coworkers, or leaders. Learning how to experience and express our emotions is not only healthy but necessary.

Finally, spiritual health. This isn’t about advocating for one religion or another; it’s about finding a connection within yourself. For some, this may mean a connection to a higher power; for others, it may be a connection to nature. Taking care of your spiritual health is about finding some sort of belief and within that belief, a measure of peace.

Take Care of Your Family

After taking care of yourself, taking care of your family should be every man’s priority. This doesn’t mean you have to be the breadwinner or strap on dual pistols John Wick-style. It means committing to being a dedicated partner, father, brother, or friend. We need to look past perceived slights and find what connects us. We need to have active and open communication. This often requires sacrifices, compromises, and more often than not, setting our ego aside for the sake of the love we feel for one another.

For the dads out there, fatherhood becomes your most sacred responsibility. Once you become a dad, you never stop being a father, regardless of your age, their age, or your relationship with your partner. Fatherhood doesn’t make you a better man than those who do not have children, but it does enshrine you with a duty that lasts not just your lifetime but echoes in the generations that come after you.

You don’t need to be in a relationship to define your manhood, but once you are, certain responsibilities come with the territory: respect, communication, and compromise. Respect, especially, should never be compromised—even after a relationship ends. There’s no excuse for disrespecting someone you once cared about enough to be with.

The great Vin Diesel has made it pretty clear that family goes beyond those we share genetic material with. Being a good man means being a good friend. It means giving as much or more than you take and always providing a hand, a comforting shoulder, or a leg up when you can. Just like any other relationship, you can’t take it for granted. Your friendships—the ones you would consider your family—require effort to last. As a man, it’s your responsibility to do what you can to make sure you are the kind of friend worth having.

Take Care of Your Neighbors 

This sentiment applies not just to the people who live in our immediate vicinity but those we come in contact with every day—acquaintances, coworkers, the service people we interact with, etc. For any man, taking care of our neighbors is a foundational part of true masculinity. Just like our relationships with our family, it’s about respect and never forgetting the golden rule: treat everyone the way you would want to be treated. Nobody is beneath you. Treat others with kindness and respect regardless of race, sex, religion, political affiliation, orientation, gender identity, career, or socio-economic class.

Take Care of Your Neighborhood

Being a good citizen of your community, country, and the world is another key aspect of masculinity. A man should seek to leave the world a better place than he found it. He should find a cause, believe in it, and support it. He should vote. He should give back to the community when he can, and work to open doors for others, never pulling the ladder up behind him as he grows. He is a faithful steward of the earth and respects nature. He supports institutions that give people a hand up when they are down and understands that while not everything will benefit him, a rising tide lifts all ships.

Final Thoughts

You’ll notice that everything I mentioned above isn’t exclusive to men, which is kind of the point. There’s no clear-cut definition of masculinity or what defines a “real man,” nor does there need to be. If we all treat each other with respect, dignity and try to be the best versions of ourselves, then those definitions don’t really matter.

Remember, not everyone can check off every box all the time, and that’s okay. We may not always be in a position to offer a hand up or open doors for others.There may be times when we have to walk through the doors that have been opened for us. We may not always be in the right spot physically or mentally to “take care of our neighborhood, our neighbors.” We may stumble and trip and fall short of the expectations we set forth for ourselves but we should always strive to do our best to keep growing and ALWAYS treat each other with respect.

Toxic masculinity is real, and we should never hesitate to call it out because that nonsense has NOTHING to do with being a man.