Nothing Changes Until You Do

On December 10th, a true better man died….my father, Ray Arata Jr. He was a good dad, father,husband, son and brother. He was a University of California Bear and played football. He was a fair and impartial judge, presiding over the Superior Court of San Francisco for 40 plus years. He was a Republican who loved debating with me. His father, Ray Senior, was also a judge and these two men were tough acts to follow. 

I share this with all of you because my dad was the type of guy that always was willing to learn. He came to the 2017 Better Man Conference in San Francisco(it was the only one he attended) and when it came time to choose which breakout to attend, he walked up to me and said, “I’m going to attend the Binary/Non Binary session because I don't understand and want to”. He could have attended the women’s or men’s breakout but he didn’t. As his son, that moment made me extremely proud.

In the past year and a half, the weaponization of DEI and the term woke , created quite a reverberation throughout corporate America and many companies. Many lessons have emerged, not just from this past year, but from years prior when men were shamed and blamed. Many companies placed much of their efforts on stabilizing and lifting up the voices and opportunities of marginalized groups. This was a good thing and its intent intact and it came at a cost.

However, the fallout is where we find ourselves currently. Many companies have discontinued their DEI efforts. Men have stepped back, and companies are attempting to “move on”. And that's not working. It’s time for change and we at Better Man are ready!

While efforts to focus on DEI may have quieted, men’s behavior and who it impacts hasn't changed.

Over the last several months, I started receiving emails and calls to focus on male leadership in a variety of companies, due to internal assessments, polls and hiring challenges. One company shared with me that many of the women were having the kinds of experiences with their male leaders that were anything but inclusive. Non inclusive communication and behavior were the most common grievances. Several companies have reached out for coaching. This got me thinking…

The Reality is…not much has changed- An Invitation

Mike Robbins, a past keynote speaker for Betterman, wrote a book titled “Nothing Changes until You Do”. The title of this book resonates with me as it relates to  current male leadership  behavior across many companies. 

In thinking about my father, the invitation for all of the men reading this is to lean into what you don't know, to get curious about how others are experiencing your leadership and to commit to being BETTER. This is the road less travelled

Note:

The vast majority of men haven’t done anything “wrong”. We’ve had the luxury of our privileges and our own lack of awareness being accepted as a way of being, then being tolerated, then blamed.

Those times are in the rear view mirror and companies that want to win the war on talent, recruiting  and retaining the top people in order to remain competitive, MUST put attention on the critical importance of leveraging male leadership. How this is done is key.

Here are my learnings and suggestions:

Men still occupy the vast majority of leadership positions and as such, emphasis must be focused on skilling up male leaders that result in behavior change

Rather than make this a “DEI” issue, re-contextualize this as an inclusionary leadership skill building imperative.

Instead of shaming and blaming men, meet them where they are, know that they can change and just need support.

Senior male leaders must lead the way and model  behavior change so that managers and directors can follow suit .

The old school masculinity model doesn't serve men in their business or personal life and must be addressed and rewritten at a core level…(what we do at work we do at home)

Where do we go from here with Better Man’s guidance

Male leaders need coaching

If you are leader in your company needs coaching and is open to feedback, visit the Better Man services webpage here 

Male leaders need training to shift their behavior and communication

If you would like to explore how Better Man can support your efforts to meet your male leaders where they are, email Ray at ray@bettermanconference.com

Men need a safe place to come, listen, be witnessed, and see other men doing the same

If the idea of meeting two times a month, virtually men only, I will be starting a men’s group that will focus on everything related to healthy masculinity. This is a space that is for the man that wants to be a better father, partner, husband, leader and friend. All men are welcome. If you would like to participate, email Ray at ray@bettermanconference.com and in early 2025 you will be contacted. Calls will be 2X a month, 90 minutes. These calls are free of charge.

Remember, nothing changes until you do. Let's be the change that our families, companies and communities need us to be.

Ray