Our Worst Enemy as a Leader, is Lying in Wait Inside Us

“The kind of people that all teams need are people who are humble, hungry, and smart: humble being little ego, focusing more on their teammates than on themselves. Hungry, meaning they have a strong work ethic, are determined to get things done, and contribute any way they can. Smart, meaning not intellectually smart but inner personally smart.”

Patrick Lencioni

When you look in the mirror early in the morning and you see a human being, you realize that you have an identity no one else has. You are one of a kind, you have value, you are important.

As long as your ego helps you to be in content with your values, to love yourself, to set your own boundaries in communication with others, and maintain your self-esteem, that is a sign for a healthy relationship between your conscious and unconscious mind.

Being self-centered is what helps us survive and take care of ourselves - physically and mentally. But if this self-centrism works 24/7 in every situation, that is a sign that something is going in the wrong direction.

How do you find out? If you always want to win no matter what and constantly compare yourself with others, or get angry when people around you and in your team especially, have success, or helping and supporting irritates you, or put the goals above all, no matter the situation, or put your attention always inwards, or like listening predominantly to your own voice, or prefer talking rather than listening etc., means that you need to decrease drastically the size of ego.

I still clearly remember the first ever time I was promoted as a manager. Back then, I always thought of myself as the smartest person in the room. Even if we assume that this was true, which was very rarely the case, you cannot gain anything while you are listening to your own voice. On top of that, most people, especially the self-centered ones, always listen to reply, instead to understand. But that will result in creating of a toxic environment. This "poisoned" team, thanks to their own manager, like it was the case with my own team, might have some success, but it will be for a very short period of time. And after that, all the worthy members in the team will leave. And their manager is going to have to learn it the hard way. The only possibility then will be to start from ground zero - by changing your own attitude and put your team members in the center.

And that is very hard to achieve.

So, how to "kill our ego" as leader and put others in the center?

Here are some ideas:

• Assume that you don't know anything.
• Put your attention outwards.
• Listen actively to understand.
• Don't judge others.
• Let go the willingness to control.
• Delegate on a daily basis.
• Be supportive.
• Focus more on the effort.
• Be driven by purpose, not recognition.

Life and work become much more brighter when we have an approach of the beginner. When we assume that we don’t know anything, we enter our "learning mode". And we give ourselves the opportunity to pay more attention to the people around us.

If we are in content with our inner “I”, it is much more easier to put our attention outwards, on others, on the world around us.

And we can focus on the difficult task of listening actively in communication. Of course is hard to stop listening only to reply. But communication is not a battle, nor a race. The idea is not to win. The word itself derives from Latin "to share" - both sides gain when they listen to understand.

For every human being in general, but especially if we want to be successful as leaders, is important to avoid judging others, especially if we are not aware of the background in every single situation. We can communicate much more effectively when we accept that every behaviour has its motives, and our primary job as leaders is to discover those motives and to create a full picture, before making a decision.

You can't "kill your ego" if you don't let go the willingness to be always in control - of persons and/or situations.

Instead, we can delegate not the tasks, but the trust - that is the path to empower others.

And be supportive. Not when they succeed. No one needs support when she/he is "winning". People need our support when they are on the losing side. We create strong, unbreakable bonds and show that the "purpose" is much more important than meeting the goals at any cost.

Your message is "The Effort Matters".

And finally, but not least is to forget about recognition. When we are driven by values, we don't need appreciation. Our common success is sufficient to give us the feeling of fulfilment.

In other words, we have put our Ego in a "hibernation mode". It lies deep inside us, and only we are responsible to keep it that way.

The exact opposite of the old story:

Once there was a great sculptor. His art was so perfect that when he would make a statue of a man, it was difficult to say who was the man and who was the statue. It was so lifelike, so alive, so similar. An astrologer told him that his death is approaching, he was going to die soon. Of course, he became very much afraid and frightened, and as every man wants to avoid death he also wanted to avoid it. He thought about it, meditated, and he found a solution. He made a statue of himself, eleven in number, and when death knocked on his door and the Angel Of Death entered, he stood hidden among his eleven statues. He stopped his breathing. The Angel Of Death was puzzled, could not believe his own eyes. It had never happened− it was so irregular! God has never been known to create two persons alike; he always creates the unique. What has happened? Twelve persons in all, absolutely alike? Now whom to take away? Only one has to be taken… The Angel of Death could not decide. Puzzled, worried, nervous, he went back and asked God, “What have you done? There are twelve persons exactly alike, and I am supposed to bring only one. How should I choose?” God laughed. He called the Angel of Death close to him, and he uttered the formula in his ear, the key to finding the real among the unreal. He gave him a secret code and told him, “Just go, and utter in that room where the artist is hiding himself among his own statues.” The Angel of Death asked,” How is it going to work?” God said, “Don’t be worried. Just go and try.” The Angel Of Death went, not yet believing it was going to work, but when God has said it he has to do it. He went into the room, looked around and, not addressing anybody in particular, he said, ”Sir, everything is perfect except one thing. You have done well, but you have missed One point, there is an error ." The man completely forgot he was hiding. He jumped and said, “What error?” Death laughed and said, ”You are caught! This is the only error. You cannot forget yourself. Come on, follow me.”

...

So, being self-centered is good for us. But only to a certain extent.

Good leadership requires putting our focus on the people and give them the freedom to be the best version of themselves.

When I think of that, one expression always starts echoing in my mind:

“The only way to make ourselves irreplaceable as leaders, is to make ourselves completely replaceable.”

Don’t you agree? 

-Stoyan