Overheard Advice about Advice

I was at my favorite restaurant recently, just chilling over a solitary lunch and writing a blog post in their off-hours.  There were maybe five other patrons in the entire place, all seated at the bar, so naturally, the next diners were seated about two feet from me, with only a screen separating us. I wasn’t intentionally eavesdropping, and in a crowded dining room, their voices would’ve been lost amid the clatter and chatter. But, given the quiet atmosphere and their proximity, whether I liked it or not, I was part of their conversation for the next hour, no matter how hard I tried to tune them out.

It turned out to be some sort of job interview, with the man who was doing the hiring speaking just a bit too loudly, likely assuming they were alone. Despite my attempts at polite distraction, I couldn’t help hearing every word. Let me tell you, I learned a lot about their industry, and by the end of the hour, I was sure she had the job. When he ended the conversation by repeatedly calling her “darling,” I knew she had sealed the deal. She clearly knew her stuff, and their work personalities were in sync. I would’ve hired her!

Beyond the impromptu lesson in workplace dynamics, this eavesdropping experience gifted me an unexpected nugget of wisdom when the hiring manager said something that has stuck with me since:

“Never take feedback from someone you wouldn’t take advice from.”

This resonated immediately. Over the years, I’ve learned the value of filtering advice—especially the unsolicited kind. Years ago, I was taught not to take advice from anyone who hasn’t succeeded at what they’re recommending to others. This has been an effective guide in my life, stopping me from taking financial advice from people in debt, health advice from junk food addicts, or happiness tips from people who seemed perpetually miserable.

But there’s a subtle difference between advice and feedback. Advice is more like proactive guidance—a recommendation on what to do. Feedback, on the other hand, often arrives after the fact, as a reaction to something you’ve already done. And yet, just like advice, feedback only deserves attention if it comes from someone with credibility or expertise we respect. Why should we let someone’s criticism or praise affect us if we wouldn’t go to them for advice?

Unsolicited Feedback: The “Should-ing” Problem

This advice makes even more sense in today’s world, where most feedback is unsolicited—whether it’s from friends, family, or even anonymous commenters on social media. We’ve all seen people “should-ing” on each other: “You should lose weight,” “You should change the way you laugh,” or “You should fix your nose.” These “shoulds” come from everywhere and often aim to fix things about us that don’t need fixing, or even things that are impossible to change.

In my experience, people who constantly dole out unsolicited feedback sometimes use it to feel useful or superior. It may give them a temporary sense of power or validation, especially if they’re focusing on fixing others instead of reflecting on their own issues. I had a friend once who would constantly say, “Are you open to feedback?” before giving it. But his “feedback” often didn’t feel constructive—or kind. It was mostly about things I could barely change, even if I wanted to, sometimes down to my physical features or even my DNA. This so-called “policy of truth” became so frequently hurtful that he’s now an ex-friend. He may have been genuinely trying to help, but not every critique is helpful or even necessary, especially when it’s about something a person can’t fix in a reasonable timeframe.

That brings me to a rule of thumb I’ve adopted about giving unsolicited feedback: Only offer it if the other person can change the thing you’re pointing out within the next five minutes—ideally within 30 seconds. In other words, limit it to things like “Pssst, you’ve got a gigantic piece of broccoli between your teeth” or “Pssst, hey, your zipper is down.” Things they can fix quickly and be glad you mentioned. If it’s something that can’t be fixed in a few minutes, it usually comes off as unwelcome “should-ing.” I don’t like it when people “should” on me, so I try not to “should” on others.

Take Only What’s Useful

This brings me back to that nugget of overheard advice: Don’t take feedback from someone you wouldn’t take advice from. While this may seem harsh at first glance, it actually sets up healthy boundaries. Just as we don’t go to unqualified people for advice on how to improve, why should we listen to feedback that’s not coming from a place of expertise, kindness, or genuine understanding?

Constructive feedback can be helpful, but it should ideally come from people who understand our goals and respect us. Before letting feedback sink in, I ask myself a simple question: Would I seek this person’s advice on this topic? If the answer is no, then it’s usually a sign to let that feedback go.

So What About the Job Interview?

As I wrapped up my lunch, I found myself wondering about the job seeker on the other side of the screen. Would she be open to her potential employer’s feedback? He seemed knowledgeable, though a bit loud and overfamiliar. Would she be able to filter out anything that felt overly personal or off-base? For her sake, I hope so.

So what do you think? Have you heard advice like this before? Do you agree with not taking feedback from someone you wouldn’t take advice from? And yes, in case you’re wondering—I’m actually asking for your feedback here.

#acquisition #feedback #advice #leadership #businessadvice