The phrase every young person must learn to say before they step inside a workplace

 I have a16 yo niece – friendly, gentle and soft spoken. Like any other 16yo, she’s obsessed with friends and her phone. She’s also pretty and talented and has a few thousand followers on Instagram. I’m not one of them – I was quietly blocked a few months ago after I reported to her mom that one of her posts looked rather risqué. The post disappeared and along with it, my status as a loved aunt. That was a year ago.

 This week she was visiting my city, spending time with cousins her age. Naturally, meeting me wasn’t on the agenda and so I was pleasantly surprised when the phone rang. “I’m going back tomorrow. I’m free today evening.” An olive branch was being extended and I wasn’t going to let it pass! “Would you like to come spend the evening with me?” “Shall I pick you up?” “I’ll drop you back tomorrow morning on my way to work.” Yeah okay, I can come, she said.

 It was the day of my weekly guitar lesson, my guitar teacher was on his way, I needed to head home. But this was far more important.

 That evening, I introduced her to the street dogs I love, we eschewed mom’s offer of home-cooked food or pizza delivery and hopped across to the mall, window-shopped, wolfed down tacos, resisted coke and promptly rewarded ourselves with delicious frozen yoghurt, discovered we had a common love for home stores, looked at beautiful vases and smelled fragrant candles. She introduced me to her favourite music – I outwardly smiled and inwardly groaned as she oohed and aahed over the lyrics which I thought were rather plebian and suppressed the urge to introduce her to Gulzar and lyrics that were actually beautiful. We discussed our favourite shows and she introduced me to “Suits” which we watched together for 30 minutes before crashing out. It was the best evening I’ve had in a long, long time.

 But what was even better was the conversation we had during the car ride.

 “What are your plans for your summer vacation?” I asked her. “I want to go to stay with my cousins in Bombay (two lads in their early-mid 20s) but mom says I can’t go alone till I’m older. “She’s right”, I said. “Hmmmm… she nodded understandingly. “And do you know why I agree with her?” I asked. “Because I’m a girl?”, she ventured. “No. It’s because I don’t think you would have learnt to say “No” yet”.

She stopped scrolling on her phone and sat up in her seat.

“What would you do if you found yourself in a situation that you weren’t sure about? How easy would it be for you to accept that you didn’t like it and say it out loud?”

“Have you ever said “No” to something that made you uncomfortable?”

Her eyes widened and she started to chat: “You know on the flight to Delhi, there was a guy sitting one seat away, the seat between us was empty… Once the flight took off, he folded up not just his armrest but also mine, curled up on the two seats and slept. His head was touching my arm but the poor guy was sleeping. I didn’t know what to do. He didn’t mean any harm.”  After some time, I said “Excuse me” a few times, gently tapped him on his shoulder and then he woke up with a start, said “Sorry” and sat up on his seat." "He was only sleeping. I felt bad about waking him up. "

 “Look, I can’t speak for him and I don’t want to. But his action made you uncomfortable. And that’s enough.”

 “You should have said “Excuse me, I’m feeling uncomfortable”. With no explanation, with no justification whatsoever. Not apologetically, not furtively or half-heartedly, but squarely looking him in the eyes. Not angrily, not smilingly, but just calmly without any expression. That would have been right. That would have been sufficient.

 I believe it's a phrase every young person must learn to say. And they should practice saying it. In college. With friends. With aunts and uncles.

 It will take practice, the first few times you probably won’t be able to, you’ll probably avert your gaze, look for an escape route out of the uncomfortable situation. But practice till it becomes a part of your muscle memory, and you’ll see just how powerful it is.

 What makes is so powerful ? The fact that you’re not taking responsibility for another person’s intention, you’re simply taking responsibility for how it is making you feel.

 “If the other person doesn’t pay heed to it ?” “Pause and repeat it, till he or she does."

 “What if the person retorts with - “No one’s ever said this to me before”, “You’re wrong ”, “That’s crazy !” “What are you saying?” "Say – “I’m not speaking for anyone else here. I’m speaking for myself. It’s how you are making me feel.”

 Another variation of it is “Sorry, but I feel disrespected”.

 If he / she are well-meaning, they’ll immediately correct the situation. If they don’t, walk away and report it.

In my many years of working and living through good and bad relationships, I realize every single time I’ve said this phrase out loud, I’ve emerged stronger and lived to tell the tale. Every time I haven’t, I’ve put myself through unnecessary heartburn and lived to regret it.

 This morning, I saw I had a new follower on Instagram. I think I’ll wait a little before following her back. Let her learn that good people and agony aunts aren’t in it for the popularity.