Please Pause

Both my sons are off to college -- hundreds of miles away. For the first time in 15 years, we have no hockey games on our calendar.

What is on our calendar is the mandatory weekly phone call that each son needs to have with my husband and me.

That’s right. Weekly, we will “talk” on the phone for around 15 minutes. The first call was this week.

While it was great to hear their voices, I felt like it was a bit forced. It seemed like I was just firing questions and getting short answers back.

This week I started a book by Wendy Lynch and Clydette de Groot called Get to What Matters. I interviewed Wendy last month for the people analytics & personal growth book I am writing.

What struck with me about Wendy was that she is both an extraordinary data scientist and communicator. She’s a story teller who also knows how to listen.

I knew I needed to read her book about communication at work.

In the first few chapters, I found a tip that I plan to use in my organizational change management work -- and in my weekly phone calls with each son.

As leaders, this tip I believe can help you too. It’s called the Three P’s.

As you know, the best leaders listen. It helps them lead. It’s how you establish rapport and trust, learn important facts that you could not get any other way.

It’s hard to listen if you are doing most of the talking.

Wendy and Clydette’s tips will help us ensure we are creating space for the other person to get comfortable and talk.

The Three P’s from Get to What Matters

Pause- When someone is sharing something with you, maintain eye contact, keep an interested look on you, and count slowly to three before responding. Silently invite that person to share more and see what else you learn.

Prompt - When another person is sharing information and you notice they are excited, frustrated, or disappointed, notice what happens when you acknowledge that emotion with short empathic prompts: “Wonderful!” Or “Oh No!” Or “How disappointing!”

Paraphrase: When people are explaining or sharing their thoughts, paraphrase their words back to them and wait for them to say more. Repeat back two more times. Notice how much more information you gained from their second and third response. Practice with a friend. Offer to be a sounding board as they talk about something that is important, and practice paraphrasing. Notice how that is for you and the other person.

Now, the hard part for me — waiting for the next call with each son, so I can try out the Three P’s in those conversations that matter a lot me.