A positive personal story to mark Blue Monday

From the lows of deep depression and suicide.

From shell of a man devoid of self-belief and confidence at tock bottom

.......to talking in front of hundreds of people. 

"F=@#!"

Was the very thing that came into my head when I walked into the main room for the Shared Services Forum Annual Conference at The Titanic Hotel just a couple of months ago. 

I did a count of the tables and the room was going to have at least 300-350 leaders and professionals from the works of Shared Services and Transformation there.

I was unable to get my head around the magnitude of what I'd put my hand up to contribute until I got there that morning. I turned up just after 8am on the first day, as I was exhibiting there as well

I was part of a 4 person-panel doing a talk on

"Synthesizing Technology & People to Empower Success"

On the panel was a representation from the Consulting powerhouse Gartner, from the highly reputable CIPD, someone very prominent in the world of ESG.

Alongside these highly reputable names there was little old me.......a one-person band juggling profit with purpose across two companies.

It was truly one of those pinch me (and holy sh!t) moments. 

While the recovery journey I've been on since 2018 has had several stand out moments, this was hands down a huge step. A massive deal.

So how has this come about?

Before all the talking, writing, and sharing on LinkedIn; before all the talks, training, sessions, webinars and podcasts I'd always been a quiet, reserved person!

I've always had low self-esteem and a lack of self-belief/confidence. I've often been my own worst enemy, often a prisoner to a constant barrage of negative thoughts and feelings in my head. 

The last 18 months I've been getting out of my comfort zone and 'putting myself out there' delivering talks, Q&As, podcasts, webinars, sessions to large teams online and in-person. 

That said this was easily the largest number for an in-person talk of any kind I'd ever done!

I would never have dreamt of going to conferences like this, the Internal Audit Conference in Edinburgh just weeks earlier, the Procure To Pay Conference back in Summer to talk. 

If someone had said a few years ago I'd be on stages like this I'd have scoffed and brushed it off. In fact scrap that....even 18 months ago that I would be up on stage I wouldn't have believed them. 

So, what how was the time in the build up before and on the day of the panel:

• - Reading countless numbers of blogs, reports and insights in the days and weeks ahead of the big day
• - Up until 2am the night before prepping as well as struggling to sleep with nerves
• - Fighting to keep my anxiety, deep-seated self-limiting beliefs, insecurities and a barrage of negative thoughts at bay 
• - Rewriting my notes at least 5 times in the two-three hours building up to the talk. 
• - Deep breathing and pacing around the main room in the build up to me being called. 
• - Going to the toilet feeling like I may throw up (and praying there wasn't a mic malfunction as I was already mic'd up for my panel)

Walking up on that stage and doing the panel, in front of so many people was nerve-wracking yet exhilarating.  It was up there as one of my proudest work and personal achievements. 

The positive feedback afterwards I'll try never to forget. And try to hold onto forever. To try to use it as fuel and confidence to drive forward and push more boundaries this year (and beyond)

When self-doubt is peppering my mind (which is often!), this is one of the moments I try to keep coming back to.

For anyone reading this who's in a bad place, at rock bottom and looking to get their life back on track - pls hold onto the concept of HOPE and BELIEF; that you will find what needs to come from within to get you to where you want to be.

I hope you find the will, resilience, heart, fight and determination to get through it.

And when you do, through your hard work and efforts, you can look back with pride on your progress, whatever that looks like for you.

Thanks for reading.

Happy Blue Monday everyone!